Such a weird day huh!? Even though you haven't placed much emphasis on v-day in the past, you probably can't help but hope something will change today.
Today finished up sucking really badly - W said something, I reacted, it snowballed.
D and I went out for dinner together - W was going to the soccer game with friends from work, so she said she'd get dinner on her own. Usual Thursday routine. On the way home D was really cranky, so I called W to see if I could go by and get some cartoons on DVD from her (I don't have any here) for D to watch to make her feel better. W said I could come over, but that she was leaving in a bit. So, D and I got there and got the movies and stuff, and we were starting to leave.
No idea quite what happened - Maybe it was when I hugged W, or maybe I said something, but W got really upset and started to talk about what she had talked to her therapist about.
Quick rundown.
1) She has lots of confusing relationships right now, including me. She doesn't know what she wants, but she is unhappy. She said she sends lots of people mixed signals because she doesn't know what she wants, but that she wasn't being fair to anyone.
2) She knows I want a M and for she and I to be together. She said she can't handle that right now.
3) She said therapy is very stressful for her and she always finds it difficult. She had an appointment a couple of hours before I got over there.
4) She got mad when I told her I had made plans for her birthday. She said that she'd prefer for me to check with her first - She said she'd still go, but that I need to talk to her first next time.
So, I talked to her for a while - I explained that I understood that she wanted to be separate, and that I thought it was a good idea. I told her I didn't expect her to want to live with me tomorrow, because I wanted her to be happy with herself first. She talked a little about what she needs to do for herself, then I, like a complete moron, brought up OM. KA-BOOM. Got accused of snooping, told me she didn't trust me, blah blah. Basically dredged up all of the old stuff from last fall. Not good. She said that she is tired of people accusing her of having inappropriate relationships - I guess people at work have brought up similar comments that I have. On the plus side, we both acknowledged that no other person is the problem, and that it is between she and I.
She was honest with me about her feelings towards me - Basically she is still hurt and still has a lot of resentment (Obviously). She told me that the only reason I want to fix our M is because 'you don't have any other options right now'. She is terrified of she and I getting back into our old routines and habits, and said that when we were living together she was stressed out because she we starting to get back to that.
I guess the plus side is that she said "I don't want a relationship right now. I'm not going to say never, but I need to work on me". She also acknowledged that I had done a lot to help her and support her, but she didn't feel that I had really changed. I just told her that I didn't want things to be the way they were anymore than she did, and that I had worked through a lot of my problems.
At one point I told her that I understood how unhappy and confused she was at the moment, and that I was trying to understand what I needed to do to help her - She just told me that she needed to do things on her own, because she always tries to help everyone else and doesn't take care of herself. She got really upset when I told her that every once in a while I see her happy and hope that at some point she can feel like that every day. I think that is what she really wants, but she's obviously a long way from that right now.
By the time D and I left, she was half an hour late for her game, which I know was stressful for her. She refused to even be touched by me at all when we were leaving and just seemed totally uncomfortable, even with herself. She told me she just needed to be alone for a while. I have no idea if she actually went out tonight - She logged off IM, but that doesn't mean anything. She had been drinking a bunch when I got there, so I think the day in general, plus therapy, had been difficult for her.
So, I guess I screwed up pretty bad tonight - We'll see how she is tomorrow. I know the right thing to do at the moment is lay low, keep my mouth shut and wait for her to make the next move. I want to send her an e-mail to apologize and 'clear the air', but I know nothing good will come of that.
