Mixed Signals - version 13...

[Dom R]

I hope you have fun with your daughters today

[FLTC]

cf,

That su&ks. I'm sorry to hear that there may be another set of shoes in the closet. All you can do is detach and worry about you. The two hardest things to do in this situation, but there really is no other way. You are over a year into this. I think you and I ae the only nes here from that time period. I can still remember writing to your posts, as I drank several beers every might in my dumpster-garage apartment, and I've been out of there for 14 months. Boy, this is hard for all of us.

[FLTC]

[Broken Tree]

Cat,

Sorry to hear this news. Be strong man, you are going throught a touch time. Are you talking to any doctors at all that can help ease your mind? Detach is so hard to do but we must. I am working hard on it.

BT

[cat03]

If you allow fear to control, your thoughts, desires, feelings and actions then you aren't in control in a positive way.

As a former control worry wart (not 100% there but pretty close) I want to remind you of this piece of advice you've posted earlier, also, that I think you are right by accepting that it is not your place to control her in any way.
It took great growing pains, but I've let my H go, if he wants to stay with ow, drink himself stupid and what have you, then that's on him, I will continue to focus on me and the kids. I'll let him lay on the mess he's made and just pray for him, pray that that good man he was surfaces, in the meantime I dont' want to be squirming each time H has a craziness episode, I'm unhitching my car from his crazy rollercoaster.

My prayers your way)))))))) these verses has helped me these past days, as I agonized about the fate of my M:
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29,31

It is my prayer today that your soul is free from fear and that as you run you will not grow weary, as you walk you do not be faint)))))))

[cat03]

hope you are doing well catfan

[catfan]

Hey Cat03 et al,

Yes doing well. Things have improved greatly between my wife and me. She's still in a very, very different place than me. This past Wednesday when I picked up the girls I just went to her and apologized once again for my horrible comments from the Friday before. I also for the first time asked for her forgiveness. For all the mistakes I've made as a husband, a friend and a father. I told her no I never intended to make them but I know I made them and am actively make amends for them. This I think really helped melt a lot of the anger she'd built up in the last 45 or so days. She acknowledged that she knew it was from my heart and without agenda but did say it would take a lot to change things. She right now, as she's said before, can only work on being friends. My comment back was I have always viewed her as a friend and ask that she treat me like the good friend she wants, no cold shoulder, no dismissiveness, etc.

Of course earlier in the evening on Wed I told her I needed access to our house this Friday and Saturday because I was moving on Saturday into a new apartment. She was pretty angry at that point from the previous Friday's blow up. But it seemed my asking for access to get my things angered her even more. I don't know for sure and won't speculate any further.

Bottom line here is she isn't willing to completely let go but she's not wanting to reconcile or consider it right now either. So I must move forward for myself. If she doesn't like it then that's her issue to deal with not mine.

Last night we had dinner and talked about the summer schedule, man having to coordinate everything like this sucks. As I went to leave I again told her my thoughts and reiterated where I am at. This all because once again we clearly were really enjoying just being together! She would like to do things like this more but without any goal in mind. I told her I understand but we both need to realize if we continue to shoot at nothing we'll hit it every time.

OK that all said I will now admit I am questioning whether or not this relationship is worth salvaging. Some time back I wrote down all the qualities and things I wanted in a partner, put it in my wallet and forgot about it. Recently I happened on it again and looked at it. Honestly I'm not certain she meets enough of those points. Another thing, in this whole process of being separated I have gotten much clearer about what my wants and desires are, what my life goals are now. She's nowhere near developing that and I'm not sure I am willing to wait for her to figure it all out. (See comment above about shooting for goals)

So that's where it stands, I'm continuing to move forward with my life. Yes I'd like for us to be clearer about where we are going but I'm not letting that lack of direction control the rest of my life.

[catfan]

Well she basically told me tonight that we are headed for divorce. It hurt like ever living crap to hear that but there is a strange sense of relief in it as well. 15 months of separation have been hard, revealing, interesting, full of personal growth and triumphant as well as sad, lonely and great loss. We've experienced deaths in both our families, had friends get separated, others divorced and others reach the verge of separation only to get back together.

Now facing the end I look back with fond memories of the last 23 years. So much has happened in that time, good and bad. But now I only have good thoughts of it all. All that I do, all that I am, all that is in me is love, compassion, optimism and Faith.

So a new chapter now begins and there is so much to look forward to!

[FLTC]

Ughh.

[catfan]

You know FLTC sure it sucks because the impact it will have on our kids, our families, our friends and of course each other. But after 15 months of separation and honestly 3 years of relationship challenges knowing what it seems the future holds is liberating. The burden of stress that limboland creates is gone. I have a calm sense of relief and an excitement for the future.

Sure I shed A LOT of tears last night but I kept coming back to one thing, the man I have returned to being. I know this is going to sound strange but when she announced she loved me but wasn't in love with me back in Sept 06 she didn't realize it but she wasn't only defending her aching heart she was giving me a gift. She helped turn me in the direction I had been seeking for some time, a direction that would take me on a journey to rediscover the man I really am.

As I sat up a good bit of the night I kept coming back to something very precious to me, her father. He was a GREAT man and in the 3 short years I got to know him before his death he had a huge impact on me. I have always wanted to very much like him. Yet I struggled for years and never felt worthy enough. Well the gift she gave me took me on a journey where I discovered I had been that man all along. The problem was how I viewed myself. So now I stand tall, stand proud and know I am that man! A man full of optimism, passion, compassion, respect, responsibility, hope, love and above all Faith. A man that let's those qualities drive and direct my every thought, deed, action and words.