I'm not very good at all this DB stuff, but I think you err when you talk to her about your feelings. That is why you are getting the neutral tone responses from her. Don't talk about your feelings! Even if you've given up on the DBing, stop it!!!! She is not capable of understanding at this point. She is too wrapped up in her own pain to feel yours. And all it does is cause you more pain. Did you enjoy that dagger to your heart? I think not. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
Yeah, got abused by FIB on the phone this morning also. I'm slow to let go I guess. It's not like all the pain/ fear/ anxiety I've been feeling the past year has disappeared either. It's all there and hard to deal with that plus her leaving and her EA.
No, I did not like the daggers.
Quote:
Frank, make a goal to accomplish ONE thing today for yourself that will benefit YOUR life. Finish a work project. Talk constructively to one of your partners. Do that computer stuff you do so well. Do what you do best. Aces, Frank. Think aces.
That's what I'm setting as a goal today. No calls to anybody until I get ONE thing done.
Quote:
Take care of Frank and so much of this will become so much easier for you. I promise.
And I know you always keep your promises. Thank you.
Have you thought that maybe when you tell your W about how YOU feel it makes her cool towards you because it is actually making her feel guilty. That is not what she wants to feel. She wants to feel that good strong Frank will be fine without her - heck, maybe she has talked herself into thinking you will be better without her - and so when you tell her your feelings it brings her back to reality and she just can't handle that.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Have you thought that maybe when you tell your W about how YOU feel it makes her cool towards you because it is actually making her feel guilty. That is not what she wants to feel. She wants to feel that good strong Frank will be fine without her - heck, maybe she has talked herself into thinking you will be better without her - and so when you tell her your feelings it brings her back to reality and she just can't handle that.
Yes, I agree with you. I'm going to stop any and all conversations about anything other than house, kids, dinner, whatever is needed to 'live together' for now.
No matter how you look at it, having a 'relationship' with a married man who 'loves his wife' is not the actions of an emotionally mature person. Both HER and OM.
The things I am doing that are reacting to her are really unhealthy and I need to stop. I can't do anything for myself and my life unless I'm healthy.
Being in this place I've been in for so long isn't how I want to live my life. While I can 'wish' she had decided to support me in January when I started down the path of healing myself, she didn't. That's the way she is.
Now, the way I am is to problem solve, but some problems are best left alone because the more you try to fix them, the more they hurt you.
In all reality, what am I losing. If this is how I react when she's around, maybe I am better off without her in my life.
So for me, the question is what would I do to live life for myself? Wipe the slate clean, start over?
I sure am sorry that you have to continually hear the drivel that comes from your wife's mouth. My own experience, and the stories that I've read here on this board over the past year and a half have convinced me that having an MLC spouse in the house is the worst form of torture.
I seem to recall several mentioning to you a while back that it would be good for you if you could somehow manage to get away for a day or couple of days. Any chance of that happening anytime soon? Seems like it would do alot for you in terms of being able to find some balance inside and maybe even recharge your spiritual/emotional batteries so to speak.
I hate that need we have to understand this mess. Mostly because it's always so non-understandable. If you're fairly rational minded, like I am, the chaos of thought that these men and women live in is just amazing. Emersing ourselves too deeply in it just leads to pain, confusion, and frustration.
I hope you're doing better Frank. If you need to kick anything around, just let us know.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I hate that need we have to understand this mess. Mostly because it's always so non-understandable. If you're fairly rational minded, like I am, the chaos of thought that these men and women live in is just amazing. Immersing ourselves too deeply in it just leads to pain, confusion, and frustration.
Yeah, and I have enough on my shoulders with my own issues of the past year that I'm dealing with also.
One of my friends today said we should just tell the kids (D12 and D17) and either have W move out or live in the guest bedroom since she really can't afford a place of her own right now. It's a 'self respect' thing. She's in some kind of EA and he felt I should put my foot down.
All I have as evidence are phone logs and text message logs and a couple e-mails that imply 'feelings' but don't say anything directly. And circumstantial evidence that there could have been a PA this week. W doesn't deny anything, she just says nothing now and erases her text messages.
Last month we 'agreed' to just keep the status quo from now till June to give us time to get into a better financial position and to give the kids a 'stable' situation till school gets out.
I know there are other people on the board who are living with a WAS who is on the 'divorce train' and coping with the living arrangements. I just don't know what to do. It's between hurting the kids now and having to carry THAT burden also or just dealing with the situation as it is and learning to detach while living in it.
We sleep in the same bed, we're cordial, and getting along most of the time.
If I can detach under these conditions I'll be alright. Two years ago it was a lot worse with her affair but we didn't sleep in the same bed, she was in the guest bedroom. But it took me about 4-5 months to get to the place where I really wanted her to go and I wanted to go on with my life without her.
If there is a relationship with another man taking place, she would need to leave my house. Period.
We love our kids and we do our best to protect them and make this as easy for them as possible. Protecting my kids would mean not letting them see that it's ok, not only to violate and discard your marriage commitment, but to do it right in front of the one that you made that commitment and those promises to.
Of course, you don't know for sure, and I understand that. I would not in any way hesitate to make these feelings known to her, even to the point of asking her point blank if she is involving herself emotionally and/or physically with ANY other man. These are reasonable conditions on your part to her continuing to have the privelige of staying in the house.
Just my opinion.
MLC or no MLC, we are not required to live in humiliation while our one time spouse flaunts a new relationship in front of our face.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
About the kids. Having to say something to our kids was hanging over my head for months and causing me pain and anguish. I assumed I knew how they would react and how it would affect them. We told our twin sons S14's before Christmas. Horrible night. Wasn't how I wanted it to go down but it did. The next day they were 95% back to normal by my observation. Are they affected by it? Yes. Do they lash out in anger. Sometimes. But they're boys going through puberty. Me not lashing out at W helps.
S6? Told him last Friday. He wants Dad to get a green house.
Does divorce affect kids? Absolutely. Does how we behave and react have a direct bearing on how well they do. Absolutely. Two months ago would I even believe I would be typing these words. No way!! I thought it was more drivel spouted by W.
Frank, we've been dealt a sh*tty hand. Do we fold and collapse. I think not. We make the best of it. We soldier on.
The kid issue is tough. But we're good dads. And always will be.
"We can't always control what life throws at us. All we can do is face it with courage and the best that we have."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
In all reality, what am I losing. If this is how I react when she's around, maybe I am better off without her in my life.
If you could only realize and believe the truth in that simplistic statement, all your anxiety and fear would dry up.
Why fear or be anxious about loosing something/someone that has such a negative influence on us? There is no sense in it when there is such an abundance of things in life that can make us happy and content.
There's that word again... "abundance"! Try to keep it in mind, it helps!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
