first time i've read your thread, and all I can say is WOW!
I think it's so fortunate that Chocolate eyes posted to you before others did. he saved you from being sucked into a three letter forum where you'd have been encouraged to "act as if" for 5 years.
I think it's so fortunate that Chocolate eyes posted to you before others did. he saved you from being sucked into a three letter forum where you'd have been encouraged to "act as if" for 5 years.
True, true, so very true.....(not knocking the three letter forum, just knocking the 'as if', cuz it sure didn't work for me...)
Way to go DMB, amazing. Your wife will thank you for the tough love, she really will. I agree, its hard to watch them in pain, but I have stepped back too. My H is very empty and numb as well.
Quick update on where things are. It has been 10 days since contact was cut off with the OM. So far, (I think) so good. My W is talking to me about "normal" everyday stuff these days. Kid stuff, neighborhood stuff... you know, just what "normal" couples talk about. She is also taking care to thank me for stuff I do every day. The normal stuff...feeding our baby, bathing the kids, taking out the trash, etc. That feels good.
We have stayed away from R talk for several days. She isn't ready, I am probably not ready. She has to get her head right before we go down that road. (..and I hope we get the chance.)
She said she needed to get out of our house/environment for a few days, and decided to go with our kids to a vacation home we have access to. I supported this. Yes, yes, warning signs popped in my head immediately, but it is fine. She will be with our kids, AND a parent of hers. No chance of a vacation rendez-vous with the OM! I have a couple of sources of information, and trust (gasp!) that there won't be face-to-face contact. With there be phone calls, emails with the OM? I dont' know. Gotta take a leap of faith I suppose.
Since she left, she has been emailing me, and calling me with "normal" H/W stuff. That has felt good that she is opening the lines of communication again.
Before she left, last night (for V-Day) she bought a little gift for me and was said to me "it isn't from me, it is from the kids only." The "glass half full" part of me says that she did it as a positive sign. I am not even going to talk about what the "glass half-empty" part of me is saying...LOL
So far, she has been doing what she said she was going to be doing. I haven't discovered any reasons to doubt her claim that it is over. Everything I have suspected has "checked out." You can't fault me (or any of us) for being a little paranoid right?
I guess the real question is, does she want to come back fully to our marriage, and commit to working on what got us in the sitch in the first place. I don't think I will get an answer for a little while, but as long as the A is over, I can be a little more patient.
Since I have a little free time the next few days, I am going to take this opportunity to finish my GAL project I started a couple of weeks ago. I also have a whole list of things I am going to get done. The days of letting the ever growing proverbial "to do list" expand even more are gone. When I took control of my life again by exposing the A, I became a person of action forever!
I really cant believe how similar your situation is to my own! I feel like I could have written your story minus the gender difference and my H OW is not married. Do you have any advice for me..anything at all? I need some help
Hey DMB. Just caught up on your thread. How bout an update, unless I missed it somewhere. Wish I'd have been here sooner. I'm like Choc, a big supporter of exposure.
Exposure for me gave me back my dignity. And it ended the affair.
Let us know how things are going.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
... and everyone needs to keep in mind that every sitch is different. What works for some, won't work or will backfire for others. Exposing the A would not have done a thing in my sitch. I chose to DB and it worked for me.
I'm not saying don't expose the A ... but again, every sitch is different. What will exposing it get you? For me, the answer was nothing. I chose to put my energy, and PMA, elsewhere.
