Walk Away Fiancee

[kml]

In the 2 years that I have known Amy, she has had 7 different jobs and changed her major in school 5 times. Amy is 34 and pursuing her Masters , I am 32 and have a professional job with NYS. I have my MBA and am very stable. I feel that I am the most stable thing that she has had in her 34 years. I just don't know.....

I know I could have done things differently.

LOL!!!! Can't you see? This is NOT about you, this is about HER. And you, my friend, are a sucker for that "White Knight" syndrome. You felt you could "save" her - NOT GOOD.

You need a woman who doesn't NEED saving, who has her own act together and could maybe even save YOU in a pinch. Not one whose first response to depressing life events (grandfather stuff) is to go out and have an affair (yes, you heard me right. Sorry to break it to you, but 99% of the time when a man says it, and 95% of the time when a woman says it, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means "I have the hots for someone else". I'd lay odds she did something inappropriate on one of those nights out, or at least has been flirting with some other guy.)

Stay dark. Look carefully at your own issues - what attracted you to such an unstable person in the first place?

Ellie

[fish]

Dude - You are young, you have a good job, you are not married, you do not have kids.

let her go. You can do better

[built4speed]

Totally. I had a big diatribe written for you yesterday saying roughly what kml said, but I thought it too harsh. You have so much going for you, what are you doing with her? Trade up!

And get the heck out of the basement. You are an engineer and make good money. The real estate market is perfect if you're not selling. Go get your own place and attract some higher quality women.

And I agree: why are you attracted to such a, well, basket case? Why do you think so little of yourself that you would hang with someone like her? Use your therapist to work on your issues and you'll never look back.

[fish]

Nate

You are getting some VERY valuable advice on this forum. I have walked in your shoes. DON'T DO IT!!!

I strongly recommend that you read a book on co-dependency. Your situation fits this description perfectly.

You find a girl in need, her life improves, you remind her how much you helped her, she resents you, the relationship ends.

Find a partner, not someone who "needs" you.

[nate75]

Thanks all...you have given me a lot to think about. At minimum I do believe that I have codependancy tendancies. This frustrates me and makes me feel like I am even more responsible for this mess. Kinda like, if only I knew sooner...

Nate

[nate75]

I am so frustrated. It has been 10 days and Amy has made no effort to contact me for anything besides "business". I know that I played a role in our situation and am working very hard at making myself the best person possible. I just wish that I would be given the chance to show Amy my changes. I have moved out and have absolutely zero interaction with her.

On a positive, I have resisted all temptations to contact her. I fully realize that I my situation were to turn around it would have to come from her wanting to contact me. I just don't know why she has no desire to contact me. I do have my issues but I have a lot going for me. I have a great job, education, in shape (workout 5x a week), am kind, generous, loyal.

I guess that establishing a codependancy relationship with Amy was a fatal flaw for my situation....I still love her....

I just don't understand.....

Nate

[kml]

I know that I played a role in our situation and am working very hard at making myself the best person possible.

STOP ALREADY!!!!!! Sure, we all have improvements we can make in ourselves, no one is perfect, but in this situation, it is HER that has the problems, okay???? You're a good guy and a good catch - except for your co-dependency white-knight-syndrome stuff. Work on THAT, okay?

Perhaps you should read Dr. Laura's book on the Ten Stupid Things Men do to Mess up Their lives - I haven't read it but I'm pretty sure your sitch would be in there somewhere.

Sorry to be so harsh - believe it or not, I am in a reconciled marriage and I totally believe in DBing. BUT - I think it's a mistake to continue when serious problems like these appear BEFORE marriage. AFTER marriage you have a commitment to work through things; BEFORE marriage is time to shop around and make sure you're a good fit. She's not a good fit, man, okay?

Ellie

[NikB]

Nate - so sorry that you're going through all this but I really have to echo what everyone else has said.

I get how hard it is - but if all this is going on now, marriage is only going to make it a thousand times worse. It will hurt so much more emotionally (not to mention financially!!) if this happens again in a year, or 5, or 10 - or more likely, repeatedly every few years. Do you really want to live with that? Do you want to have kids someday? If so - do you really want this woman to be their mother??? Step back a minute and set the feelings aside, and look at your life 10 years from now. I think it'll help you get some clarity. Then you can deal with the emotional "fallout" from that clarity.

[fish]

Nate - Move on my man, it's over and you are much better for it.

AMY DID YOU A HUGE FAVOR!!

Your a good guy, with an education and a solid career.

Go find a stable chick.

[nate75]

[quote=kml]

You're a good guy and a good catch - except for your co-dependency white-knight-syndrome stuff. Work on THAT, okay?

Thanks Ellie! I just wish Amy would see this...yanno? It has been almost 2 weeks and I have not heard a thing from her.

Nate