Please help...need MLC advice

[tpaschal]

Tpschal,

I am coping with depression, but sometimes not well.

Are you on any meds?

I guess I feel like he is the one who wants the divorce, not me, so why should I do all the work for it and make it easy for him?

Absolutely. I wouldn't lift a finger.

I know, though, from different sources, (including his cell phone text messages that I look at when he leaves it laying around!) that they fight...

Why are you snooping? Quit. Right now. It will only cause you pain. And if you get caught, or confront him over anything you find, you will only make things worse...much worse. Rise above. There are much better ways you could be spending your time.

But according to him, he is oh-so-happy, is moving on with his life, and she will be a part of it.

Baloney. Smile and tell him you're glad he's happy. But he's not. She's just a pacifier.

...but he doesn't want to hear anything negative in connection with her...

Do not say anything negative, ever, about the OW. If you attack the OW, he will attack you. And it will only make you the common enemy and give them something to unite against. Stay the h*ll out of that.

Bomb

Not sure if I'm doing the quoting thing right---hope so. First, thanks so much for responding. It's nice to know that someone is listening and cares.

I was on meds for a while but was having some physical side effects (crazy itchy skin rashes), so got off of them. Should probably start on something new, but can't afford to see my psychiatrist right now. H's partner was my GP doctor, and he would be happy to still see me for free (H's two partners are disgusted with his behavior) but it would be incredibly awkward to go into the office right now.

I have not spoken to a DB coach, though I've thought about it several times. I haven't done it mostly because of financial reasons. Since H stopped paying enough to cover the bills, I have to be really careful. We had paid off all our debts before this all started, and we didn't use credit cards. (Did Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace plan.) Now I've had to reactivate an old credit card that was in my name just to pay for gas and groceries when the money runs out each month. Can't afford counseling sessions.

I had been seeing a Christian psychiatrist in my area, and after funds got tight he continued to see me for a couple of months for free, but I started to feel bad that I was taking advantage of him. He has a fairly small independent practice, and he needs to make a living, too! I haven't seen him since early November. Had to stop taking the kids to their counselor, too.

H did say yesterday that he realized he had made some mistakes in how he's dealt with the kids (ya think?!) and would be willing to go to counseling with them. I am glad of this, but feel like it is mostly manipulation on his part. Guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, hmm?

You asked how I've been DB'ing. Well, I've read the book DR several times and try to apply the principles and strategies there. I've gone dark when he starts spewing hatred and nastiness, and I've been trying my best to act "As if."

I know he expected me to get nasty and squash him to the ground and rake him over the coals with a nasty divorce when I found out about the affair. In fact, I think he was counting on it. He expected me to file and do the work for him. I think he's been very, very surprised by my calmness (for the most part) and by my calm insistence that I do not want a divorce and believe that God can restore love to a marriage beyond any hope or expectation.

But he's still determined to press forward with a divorce. So now what? It's hard to know what the right path is.

I try to pray, though sometimes I feel "stopped up." I know that's coming from my end, not God's. Maybe it is because I keep going down the "cheeseless tunnels" like snooping or trying to get H to see the error of his ways? I know I'm a bit of a control freak, and even though I keep turning it over to God, I keep trying to take it back from Him, too. Practice makes perfect, eventually, right?

I try to stay involved in my kids' activities and in community programs that I was a part of before, I do go out with friends when H has the kids. But it still hurts so much to see our couple friends and know that even though they love me it is awkward for them to be around me. It hurts a lot on days like today, Valentine's Day, to know that even though I am still his wife, he is spending a special evening with a 21 year old bimbo.

I know the things I NEED to do to GAL, sometimes it is just awfully hard to get up and DO them.

Like I said, kicks-in-the-pants would be appreciated. (Not too harsh, though, as I do still tend to burst into tears at the least provocation!)