Losing it: narcissistic mother ruins my DBing

[missmyfriend]

Stella, it is tough when you have a mother like that. My Ws mother, I believe, is N as well. My W has started adopting these traits over the last 2 years even though she would be horrified if she realized it. (She may have and has given into it).

Your H feels duty bound and he is affected by her even if he doesn't believe so. Not to make you more angry toward your M but it is a possibility that he feels freedom when he is with the OW (unless he feels she needs fixing too) and being on his own is freedom. You may not be able to stop your M from being N because if she truly is, it will take loads of therapy, an admission of her problem and possibly medication to make her "normal". You may not be able to control her (you can't) and you may not be able to control your H (you can't) but you can change yourself as it appears that you have.

Try not to worry about what your M does or says to your H. Do not try to control any of your Hs R including the one he has with your mom. Be the rock for him. Let him know peace with you. Listen to him when he complains and validate (that doesn't mean you should agree with or support bad behavior) but avoid being judgmental. Over time (yes, time) he will realize that your are that place of solitude and safety, regardless of your R with your M or the freedom to be on his own or with the OW.

Try as hard as you can not to worry about how others are with your H. I know this because that has been a huge thing with me and my children. You can make it a lot easier with all the people you know if you do not share every painful detail about what your H has done or is doing to hurt you and your family. Speak only kind words about your H to others. It will make it much easier for you to DB.

It is a mess. But messes usually get cleaned up with patience and care.