Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[seekpeaceofmind]

Also, I have numerous friends who are psychotherapists who think it's really important for H to tell him my feelings, to let him see how much I am hurting and to face what he is doing.

I guess my question is - who would that benefit? You or him? Would it bring you closer to your goal (whatever that is right now)? Do you really think your H is in a place where he can have empathy for your feelings and act on that? The way I understand DB, it is to be solution-focused. How does an emotional confrontation move you and H forward? The other basic principle I see in DB is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Experiment and monitor for results. Pick one or two things that you will try to do and do them with enough time and consistency to see if they have a positive effect.

Another observation - and I don't mean this to be harsh - is that it seems like your H only agreed in MC to "try" was b/c he was backed up against a wall. He has no where to turn and sees no way out. This is the time for you to be the strong, empathetic one. I know it's not easy, but my suggestion would be to really look at things from his perspective and be as supportive of him as you would be of a friend. It doesn't make any difference really whether this is MLC, depression, or feelings of inadequacy - whatever- he must feel like crap all day, every day. No job, financial pressures, marital stress. What is bolstering him and helping him to feel like a strong, successful man?

The vows are usually "for better or for worse" - this is "worse" and those of us in DB mode are trying to figure out how we can honor our promises to our spouses even in the face of their pain, rejection, fear, running away - whatever it is that has brought our Ms to the current crisis.

[newnamenewlife]

spom,
You make some excellent points. I am very confused. I get different advice from friends who have known H for a long time. When I read your post, that makes all the sense in the world, absolutely. When I talk to friends, they suggest other approaches which at the time seem to make perfect sense too.

H&I are both very hurt and confused and stuck right now. I am trying to rise above, to honor his feelings--and yet, and yet--we have kids and responsibilities and things that make it impossible for H to simply fall off the map. He is still being a good dad, though--which is great.

Anyway, for today my goal is to focus on work that I keep not doing and to be kind and supportive to H without pressuring him to be there for me.

[newnamenewlife]

I have read DRand DB and I started with some goals and 180s--stopped crying, stopped asking H to go out on dates, went out more with friends, acted as if, stopped emailing him or calling him, got more work (I freelance), surprised him by not assuming he would join us for family events, came home late a few times and didn't call, etc.

I have made these changes and I will continue them (yes, I backslide from time to time), but I can't think of anything else to do--I've used up most of my options! I really was feeling better and stronger and me-focused for a while but now I am feeling in more pain and agony than ever. I feel like I am just coming apart at the seams; still, around H I am pretty cool and collected and friendly and as-iffy. I had that one crying episode, but that was an anomaly.

People say "take a class, start a hobby, call a DB coach," but we are financially strapped at the moment and I can't do anything I feel like. Most of my days are consumed with working and caring for my kids--though, as I mentioned, I go out with friends in the evenings regularly.

I'm not sure where to go from here, DB-wise, or how to experiment and monitor results. The results are the same no matter what I do--H is absent. I wish I had more control over making myself feel stronger, but the fact that H is in the same place as he was makes me feel more hopeless than ever. I feel like a hole has been burned through me.

I welcome advice on how to do 180s or DB more effectively--but please don't tell me to pursue a class or hobby!!

[seekpeaceofmind]

I really don't know what actions to suggest. For me, I have very little contact with H and so there is little for me to "do" in relation to him. My main thing has been to learn about letting go and also about patience - not my strong suit. But, I read over and over on this board that the people/marriages going through this kind of crisis do not heal quickly - you are still very early in your crisis and the main thing you may need to do is not expect anything while your H goes through his own process and to expect that to take months, not weeks. For me, it has been less about "doing" and more about "being" - if that makes any sense. I have done GAL things to improve my own quality of life - mostly they are things that I let slide or failed to make a priority. But, my real focus is on my personal growth b/c I don't want to go through all this without learning something from it. . . . And, that is something that I didn't pay enough attention to in M.

If you enjoy the time spent with friends and it boosts your PMA, then that is a strength for you to continue. Maybe you don't need to do more of it, just be in that moment with friends and really enjoy that time and those people. The same with your work. You've mentioned that you've had a hard time concentrating on work, but maybe you can train yourself to use that time as your salvation and opportunity for emotional distance. I had the same problem - for a few months, I was never really confident if I was going to burst into tears in the office or not. But, gradually, it became a place where I could put my M thoughts aside and focus on being a competent, successful professional. I haven't really liked this job since I started it 3 years ago, but now I have a whole new attitude about it! If you freelance, does that mean you work alone or from home? Is there a way that you can shake it up so that you can get more from your work hours?

As much as it hurt for my H to move out, it would be very hard to still be under the same roof if he had continued with his emotional withdrawal. It was so awful. Worst of all for me was seeing how much pain he was in and realizing that it was b/c our M was not a source of strength, satisfaction or anything positive for him. It may be that your fresh hurt is from seeing that you really can't change or wake him up and that this is something that you have to go through b/c you can't go around it or stop it. I only say this b/c I experienced something similar - I latched onto these ideas from DB that I could "do" something to change our sitch and I set to work (in my very limited fashion) and looked for improvements on my timetable. Nothing. I caused my own setback because I thought, well he must be missing me by now, he must see how much I care, he must agree that we can make things better, etc. I think I had an idea in my head that he would come around b/c I wanted him to and I was ready to get on with the business of reconciliation. When that didn't happen and I saw that this really would be a long-term change in my life, I felt like I did in the early days of our crisis.

I read some posts on here that suggested that each "low" experienced by the LBS leads to further detachment. That gave me something to look forward to! I would tell myself, this is a cycle, and I won't feel this way much longer - not in so many words, but that was the gist of it. . . .

[newnamenewlife]

[quote=seekpeaceofmind
Worst of all for me was seeing how much pain he was in and realizing that it was b/c our M was not a source of strength, satisfaction or anything positive for him. It may be that your fresh hurt is from seeing that you really can't change or wake him up . . . [/quote]

Exactly. It's awful to feel like H gets nothing from me. He's so stressed out about his job situation (ie no job) and our D11 has been incredibly challenging too. This morning I told him that it would be so nice if we could heal our R in the midst of everything else. No response of course.

He kissed me and said Happy Valentine's Day when he left this morning to take the kids to school, but I know it didn't "mean" anything. I so much want to tell him ILY today, but probably I shouldn't. I think he has felt unloved and rejected by me and that's what led to his own detachment. Now he's so detached he seems gone forever.

But maybe not, maybe not--I still have hope.

[seekpeaceofmind]

For me hope and time are linked. I know that if I push things now, there is no hope. I get hope from other people's stories and see in those stories that time was needed for both partners to decide to work on M. I know it doesn't work in all cases, but it works in some, and that gives me more patience than I would normally have.

[Grace_O]

lmg,

If what you're doing isn't having any response at all, then do what appears to make you and the kids the most comfortable. I found that when I journal and record what's happened in a given day (whether I see H or not) I can look back over it and come up with ideas based on how other's respond to me also. I've come to realize that my actions/mood sets the environment at home too. I know all of this seems small when you're looking for positive reactions, but they do add up.

As far as his kiss ot "meaning" anything, you're wrong. It meant something, just not what you wanted it to. The fact that you got a kiss and an acknowledgement of Valentine's Day is positive (regardless of how small).

You say money is tight and you can't start a hobby or class. How about walking or exercising at home or going to the library and picking up some books on cooking or gardening (or whatever floats your boat). This stuff doesn't have to cost anything outside of your budget. You should see what I can do with a pot of beans! Like you, money is an issue for me, so I find ways around it.

Take care. HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

I continue to be so grateful for the smart and solid advice I get here. I hope one day to feel as centered and able to help others as you folks are.

H just called and asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch before we go to an event at Ds school. I said I thought I should work instead and he said well maybe we'll get coffee afterwards.

Grace, when you say things (like H kissing me and wishng me happy v day) mean something, but not what I want them to, what do you mean? I don't think they mean anything at all except that some days H probably feels guilty and wants to be nice. I'm sure today he feels very guilty and knows that I would want nothing more than for him to send me hundreds of roses.

When he makes little gestures like asking me to lunch or saying happy V day, I do (secretly) get my hopes up that he's coming around, even though I know he is not. It's too confusing. As awful as it is when he ignores me completely, it helps me detach.

I guess this is why they call it a rollercoaster.

[Grace_O]

I don't think they mean anything at all except that some days H probably feels guilty and wants to be nice.

Ok, so he feels guilty and wants to be nice. Is that something you feel and attempt towards someone you hate? We tend to want it to be an all or nothing proposition (love or hate). When you stop to think about it though, hate is not the opposite of love (both are very intense emotions), indifference is. I was more afraid of indifference than anything b/c it isn't an emotion at all. Since this is what I've gotten, I don't have to be afraid anymore. A nice gesture can just be that. Someone who cares enough (whether guilt or not) to do something nice. That may be all it is. Who knows. If I had a working crystal ball (my magic 8 ball doesn't tell me anything), my financial difficulties would be over in a heartbeat. Ok, they probably wouldn't be b/c I wouldn't have the heart to charge. Sigh.

It's hard to have hope without expectations. I call it life on the razor blade (hmmm, perhaps a short story??). If you can "pretend"(remember when we were little?) he's someone your interested in, but haven't started dating and SUBTLY flirt with him. Thank him for his kindness, take an intrest and LISTEN. It might help. Can it hurt?

If you journal at all, please write down what you do and his reaction (if there is one you can see) to it. Sometimes, it's really hard to tell.

[newnamenewlife]

H left 2 dozen pale pink roses in our living room while I wasn't there. No note, no indication that they are for me specifically (and not all of us). I knew he'd do something for the sake of our Ds, but the pale pinkness and the way he delivered them make me so horribly sad--esp because I found an old Valentine from him (without a date) in which he gushes about how much he loves me, feels so lucky to be my husband, looks forward to spending the rest of his life with me.

I have such a hard time reconciling his years of professed love and devotion with his IDLYA announcement. It just kills me.

Still, I am DBing pretty darn well today.