Losing it: narcissistic mother ruins my DBing

[stella_k]

Hello all.
This is my first post, though I have been lurking a lot, MLC sites mostly.
I am dyslexic and it takes me forever to write anything, so I've been postponing
doing so; but now that I'm at my wit's end, I really need some help/advice.
I'm afraid it's going to be a long story, so please bear with me:)
I am the only daughter of a narcissistic mother (NM). If you don't know much
about N, the short description is: Larger than Life Ego, pretending to have deep feelings but actually incapable of love, impossible to please, always suffering from
real or imaginary ilnesses and making you responsible for their well-being,
demanding your full and undivided attention all the time.
13 years ago my H and I have left the country to live and work abroad, mainly to
stay away from her and keep her as far as possible from our D(now17).
I kept calling her once a week to receive a weekly portion of
whining and blaming me for abandoning her. My H was most loving, supportive
and caring throughout our M23. What I didn't realize is that my constant
unhappiness over my mother's demands, has been hurting him badly.
I remember one day, 2 years ago, when I got off the phone after talking to my NM, he suddenly burst out crying (he never does
that normally), saying: it's hopeless, she'll never let go of you. I felt so guilty and tried to comfort him, and
promised never to bother him again with NM issues and really stopped talking to
him about NM. I guess it was too late as he was in MLC already.
The rest is usual MLC story. Last September he receives this offer of a new job in
our home town and goes away for an interview. He calls and tells me he wants the job and takes it, will be back for Xmas. Shortly before Xmas he calls
me, drunk, and tells me he is in Hell. I am scared but consider it just him been drunk
and the fact that he is missing his family. He arrives and he is an alien. His eyes are
beady, he is cold, unloving, makes nasty remarks, doesn't want any sex (impossible!). Then, on Dec 27, the Bomb and
ILUBNILWY speech. We both cry (I perform all the pleading-begging-sobbing Don'ts)
and he says he needs time to sort things out, just wants to be alone. I ask whether
there is an OW and he says NO. In 23 years he didn't lie to me once,
so I believed him, of course. We decide that he goes and I stay where I am (I work full time teaching) until our D17 graduates.
And we tell nobody. He goes away and tells me he still loves me and things will be ok. First 3 weeks he calls often, then it starts again - he is distant, cold, doesn't
call that much, doesn't say anything about our R. By then I start reading about MLC
and don't push it, just try to stay calm and positive.
Then he comes for XMas again. He is not an alien anymore, much nicer to me and D,
but still doesn't want sex. When I confront him, confesses that there is an OW,
and has been for a year (the phone call from Hell).
I cannot really blame him when he says I was unhappy all these years and made him unhappy as well. I pity him with all my heart and I see that he suffers too (he kept saying: what have I done?!) I promised to wait until May, when the D17 graduates and I supposedly will join him in our home town.
Now that he is gone again (same scenario: calls often, says ILY, calls
less and less, sounds distant) I find it next to impossible to remain calm, tell nobody, not to cry in front of D17 (she has no clue! And I manage to act funny and
happy when she is around), keep listening to my NM complaints, now twice a week,
and appear sane in the classroom.
I cannot help imagining him with OW. The worst of all is that he is visiting my NM!
I begged him not to, but I think he feels obligatedd and thinks of it as a right thing to do. I feel that all my DBing is ruined
by her. She is picking up quarrels with him, complains, demands, sobs, asks why
doesn't he call his family every day. In short, she does all the things I am trying so hard not to do!
Needless to say she has no idea of what's going on. I asked her, of course, to stop complaining to H and demand tings from him, but I could tell her
to stop breathing as well, all she cares about is her precious self. Sometimes I even
think she would be glad to have me and H divorced, with him out of the picture and D17 off to college, she would have me giving
her all my time (in her dreams!).
I feel that I start losing the battle. Yesterday I cried in front of my D17, just couldn't
help it. Gave her some vague explanation. And then I called my H, something I resolved not to do ever again, because I needed to hear his voice.
I cry myself to sleep every night and in the morning I have to teach.
I am trying to GAL, work out a lot,
but at the moment everything seems dark and hopeless.
I am so sorry about the length of my post, just needed to get it off my chest.
I would appreciate any advice/words of wisdom.


Me 45
H46
D17
M/T23
Bomb: Last XMas
Found out about OW: This Xmas
separated: 17 months