sgctxok....I'm listening.....

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Wow, 3 days away from the board and so much to catch up on but just want to answer some questions posed to me and make some comments...

The actions I was speaking of is FIB's W's actions. She has not done anything or said anything that would demonstrate that she wants to remain in the M.

Love is an action of which I have not seen any from her. Demanding to be kissed is for her, not for FIB. Love is what you can do for the other person and not what the other person can do for you. I hate to repeat what others have already identified but demanding that FIB kiss her does not say she wants to be M to FIB; she wants control. She pulls him long enough to keep him close but then pushes him away.

Yes, filing for D is not an action towards saving a M however just as FIB has been working on himself to save his M despite the fact that his W said she wanted a D, so now she can work on herself to save her M despite the fact that FIB has filed. The gavel has not dropped yet.

What can she do to prove his worthiness? How about doing something for him; to make him feel wanted; to make him feel loved. Or, how about seeking help and following through with it. Whether she feels that she needs the help or not, she should seek it because she wants to save the M. Not getting any help tells me she doesn't take any responsibility for what has transpired in the last 2 years.

Whether this is MLC or a mental health issue, I don't see the difference. I'm not a Dr and maybe I'm wrong but from what I read MLC, it is a form of depression and depression is a form of mental illness. Does this not make it the same? Of course MLC comes in different severity from those who simply spend a lot of money where they would not otherwise have done so to those who have affairs and start a new family just as there are different levels of depression.

Amy, I agree with you that therapy is not the only answer but the difference with you and FIB's wife is that you did recognize the pain you caused and your part in the demise of your M; you did demonstrate and not simply tell your H that you wanted to save your M. FIB's W did not say she WANTS TO SAVE THE M, she said she DOESN'T WANT A D; this is not the same thing. She also does not recognize the pain she has caused.

I will reiterate what Jeff, Bill and Nic have stated that no one here wants to be D nor do we wish D on FIB and his W. There is nothing more that we would want than to see FIB and his W live happily ever after. The only way this can truly happen is if both FIB and his W want this, not just FIB.

I also want to mention that just because some of us are already D and some in a new R, doesn't mean that we are not standers. Being a stander does not mean that we will wait forever to get our WAS back. Now that my H has a baby with his gf, should I be wishing that he leave his child's mother and his child to come back to me? That goes against my morals. I do still love him despite the hurt but I could not and will not wish to take him away from his child.

To be a "stander", should I not be moving forward with my life even if it means that I could find someone else that will love me? To be a "stander" should I live the rest of my life alone knowing the odds of my H coming back?

Although I will be open to another R and FIB chose to file, does not make us quitters. We make the choices we do because of the choices that our WAS made.

I think we all agree that there is no right or wrong answer that will guarantee that our M will be saved. We can only make our own decisions and know that it is what we feel we must do and have no regrets. We may never know if it was the right decision or not but we WILL make the best of the choices we do make. As Bill and others have proven, there is life even after a D; to think otherwise is to lose faith.

I admire and respect everyone who has posted on this thread and admire FIB for his strength. I know we all came on this board because we all wanted to save our M as none of us believe in D. I know we all came to this thread because we care about FIB. Unfortunately, not all will succeed and it doesn't mean we are failures but rather that our WAS did not want to take the same journey with us.

We are ultimately solely responsible for our own happiness so we alone must make the decision on which path we choose to take regardless of which path others would have chosen.

FIB, I continue to pray for you and your family.

Hugs,
ISLH