I am new at this and not sure if I am doing this right please let me know.
Here is my story: Married 5 years together 8. Have one child who is 16 months old. My H and I have been having difficulties past 6 months or so. He is having trouble over the responsibilty of raising a child. Has not been around much to help, which started a huge lack of communication.
I suspected for a while something was going on with a woman at work. When I confronted my H he basically told me I was crazy and I believed him. On dec. 9th found out he had an affair. My life as I knew it was over. He told me it was a one time deal and he would end it that day. As things went on I found out the day after christmas it had been going on for months and was much deeper and more involved than I could have imagined. H tells me everytime we talk he is going to end it, and he wants his old life back. Trouble is he moved out a month or so ago and has pretty much been living with OW. He shows no improvement on getting things done and ending the A. Tells me he is working on it in his head but no actions have taken place.
The subject "need some hope" by "doing my best" if extremly similar to mine. In my case OW is divorced with a 6 year old child. The post there has helped me alot I feel almost the exact same way. My situation however is not and has not gotten any better. Looking for some advice on how to handle this. It's been almost 2 months with no signs of improvement. I need help I have read the book and I am trying to use the techniques mentioned it's just very hard. I am currently in another state spending time with family.
Oh hurt mom, I am so sorry. You found a good place. Its helped me tremendously.
First of all, you posted correctly and everything looked good. My only other question would be your ages, but that's because I am nosy.
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As things went on I found out the day after christmas it had been going on for months and was much deeper and more involved than I could have imagined
This happened to me and it was devastating to realize how emotionally attached my H and OW were during their A. To me, it was as bad as the physical part. I felt my H took all his emotions/heart/caring, and was giving it to someone else. It still hurts that he did that, even though the A is over (he still wants a D).
Glad you have read the DR/DB books. I also suggest Not Just Friends and Surviving Infidelity. And down the road maybe "Love Must Be Tough".
At this point, there is not much else you can do but take care of yourself and your little baby (I love that age!). Is he asking to see your child? I know you said you were in another state, just wondering if he is wanting to see his baby. You cannot change his actions, which took me so long to realize.
Hurt mom, You're so right about life as you knew it being over! This isn't supposed to happen to anyone! Yet, here we all are. And people join this board every week. It's so sad.
I second what LWB said, too. Take care of yourself and your little one. You probably have no idea how you're going to do this, but life goes on.
The A is a fantasy. He was having problems with the responsibility of raising a child, but OW has a child? He's not going to find what he needs there. Be the person he wants to be with. Let him see what he will be missing.
But also think about your own boundaries and what you're willing to take or put up with.
thank you all so much. I am 29 H is 31 OW is 24! He is asking to see the baby but only when it's good for him. Says he misses him terribly but supports me being gone. Imagine that. His life over there is a totatly fantansy and I know that but still want it to end. I know I have the means to support My son and myself I am an RN but currently work very little. It's so overwhelming I dont knwo where to start to pick the pieces back up. It's been two months and I dont think I have made much progress. I have been trying but everytime I think i'm doing well I find out something new and take 100 steps backwards. Any suggests or just comments are always appreciated. I feel like he just walked away without looking back and found a new W and another kid, we have been completely replaced.
You are still in 'shock' phase. At two months, I was still barely eating and sleeping, functioning on some odd/creepy automatic pilot. Slowly, your days will get easier, then raw pain will lessen to a dull pain (still there, but more manageable). Your mind and your heart will help you heal. Don't fight your emotions, but also do things to get your mind off of things every now and then.
Replaced. Yep. I know that feeling. Its not a good one.
How much are you contacting him? I would keep it minimal. I would start making decisions on your own (finding more work, care for your son). When are you going back to your house? I would start making it your own, move furniture, do things differently. All of these things will make you feel empowered and help you a lot.
I think I will be going back on the 23rd. I have already moved all of his stuff from the house. It's all upstairs in a seperate room that I dont have to look at. I talk to him lot. Probably way to much. Usually once a day and then text a few times. I cant help but wonder where he is at and assume they are together all the time. The first week I was gone I only talked to him once even though he left me messages daily. Then I tried (for 1 week) to just talk and not bring any of this stuff up. It's hard to do that I feel like I am giving myself false hope because we do have good conversations. My imagination is probably worse than the reality I dont know.
I hurt so much, cry all the time and I dont know how to pick myself up. Sometimes I feel so good like I can handle the world 5 minutes later I'm a mess. I think I need to get back home so I can move on. My parents are pressing for me to stay with them. I'm torn it's easy sometimes to be here (florida) and be away from it. Othertimes I want to be home (michigan) so I can get on with my life. I just dont know what the answer is or where to start. I havent worked in 2 months so I really think that would help me, if I can just bring myself to do it.
Thanks for writing so quickly I'm a mess and any adive or just to know someone is thinking of me is great.
Aw, sweetie, so many of us are going through this and it just sucks. Especially when the pain is so new. You will feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, abandoned, furious.....on and on.....and it will get far worse before it gets better.
But I am told that it will get better. In fact, you will have days when you think you can conquer the world, and then you will dissolve into tears and feel hopeless two seconds later. That's where I am at right now.
Oh, and about the house: lwb gave some great advice to "make the house your own". This helped me a lot because I could now do what I damned well pleased in this one area of my life. Plus, I can watch what I want on tv, eat only what I want for dinner...well, you get the idea.
thanks again to those who are thinking of me and have taken the time to respond. Today has been hard as I am sure it is for most people on here being Vday.
I'm just not sure of the right way to handle this and go about all this. how much do we talk, how much is too much, or too little? how do you act when you do talk and what the heck do you talk about? WEll H emailed me today said he is going to meet with someone to talk to (a pastor). Says he cant get out of this by himself and hopes this will help. I have my doubts as he has tried MC and C alone and never sticks with it.
I am wondering how this site works. DO I just go under my post to see my replies or is there somewhere else I can go to see when people have written? Is there somewhere else I should post this so I get more responses?
Talked to my mother in law today..said she sent off an email to the OW. I'm a little nervous about how my H will react to that. I am afraid I will get blamed for it and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Didnt even know about it until it was done. My sister in law calle and told me about it. I guess we will see how that goes.
