When you find out new things, it always gnaws at you. Feel the pain (which you appear to be doing well). I really don;t have a solution, but as long as you are seeing a counselor, you did find your own. I know I had two counselors and even though it took time, it eventually started to hold.
Sorry you're hurting so badly right now. Your C is right that you have to mourn your H and your M. What you knew is gone. That doesn't mean there is no hope for a bright future (with or without him). That flame lives inside you and you either stoke it or not. I believe you will.
What he says about his plans, another person etc, you can only take with a grain of salt. He doing whatever and will it really help you somehow to know? I may be a bit of an odd bird, but I don't snoop and I don't ask. I see no advantage to me. I guess you could say that ultimately I'm being really selfish. Frankly, my dear.....I have enough on my plate.
Isolating yourself (whether here or at home) isn't going to help. You'd be surprised how reaching out to help someone else can help you. Take the time you need, but think about where you'd like to be in 6 months, a year, 2 years etc. how do you see yourself? How can you get there? Is there something I can do to help?
What you said about isolating is true. I went out and found a couple groups to go to. One was a church-based divorce/separated group. Funny you said what you did, because I was just thinking of one of the women from the group last night. Took me a while to remember her name but I did. This was quite a ahilew ago, but I was thinking...hmmm, she's a good woman.
so enlightened, sorry for the stray, but perhapos that is an idea. You have people who are there for the same reason. And there is something to be said for having actual peope to look in the eye and hug.
I'm am so lucky and grateful to have a good councelor.
I have been seeing her for a year when this all started.
She gives me the tools to help me with the current situation and whenever I find out things that make me cry or seem so unlike H she tells me to mentally "keep it in the file"
The file being mentally keping notes of the things thatare going on without confronting H. Good or bad.
She also leaves me with the tools to tackle what's on my plate and right now the tool box is getting a lot of info.
Thank goodness for the help of other people.
Thanks ((((imp )))))
thanks for caring
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and being an abused child that is saying alot.
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
You're welcome, enlightened. These painful times are necessary, but they lead to growth and acceptance (mainly of yourself) as well as leading eventually to a better place in this life.
In the time I had in counseling, about 15 months worth, I remember pouring my heart out, but in the end my Cs left me with a couple simple tools which help me keep things in perspective to this day.
And yes, it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with too.
I would give you an extra word of caution about "creating" (as in pushing/forcing) a situation to relieve the anxiety. Those who have been abused can sometimes bring a situation to a head just so they know when "something" is going to happen.
It can be hard not to feel the victim in all of this and esp if you have been in another arena of your life. Are there activities you can do that will help you redefine yourself?
You kow when the counceller said that my H was dead , she was so right . He is......
I see him cry and I think it means something...but does it?
To me I'm thinking he is on the same emotions as me in that he is hurting but then what comes out next...is crazy talk
He is no where near where I am.
He has remained on the same plane now for a year with no chance for any hope for me.
That is why I feel so empty and afraid, for him and for me and for us.
You're right, it really doesn't matter who he spends his money on because it's not me and that's what matters.
That's why we have lawyers I guess. I hate that it has come to this.
I'm such a romantic and had/have such high hopes for this life.
So much time/love/memories invested.
I see myself in two years holding my H..sad isn't it?
When I was young my self esteem was battered along with my physical self. I came out of that only because I had to distance myself fom that little girl. It was the onlt way I had to get through it.
When I hit 30 I had an awakening...it hit me really hard the the little girl never got to experience life as a child and at 30 I mourned her loss.
That was very hard but now I love that litte girl because she surrvived and so here I am.
Stronger for the battle but tired of the trip.
And here I am again, in another battle that is taking it's toll.
I'm sorry for the long post, I guess I'm battle weary.
Thanks ((((Grace))))
Thanks for caring
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
(((((((E))))))) I'm sorry things are so bad for you now. I know we all wish there was something we could do! All I can say is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and get through one hour, then one day at a time. You know that we will stick with you!
Gave kids a bag of hersehy's kisses and a card and gave H a bag of kisses.
Said to H that 28 years ago today was our first date. He looked and said "E" "the deal went through on the house"
E " good for you,(really sincere too) when do you get to move in"
H when the deal closes...at the end of the month
E be honest with me, is there anyone else.
(He bought her a 120 spa package I've never gotten anything like that)
H He said it doesnt matter. I disagree yes it does because you are living here and living a lie. You are using me and thats a lie.
E Then he asks what's wrong with me????????
H He says I told you it was over.
E Yes I know it's over and I have been nothing but nice to you. Why do you have to keep using me? You need to leave.
H Leave me alone, I'll leave when things are final.
E You're living a double life please get out.
He goes to work and calls me.
H Leave me the f--k alone! Quit asking me questions.
E Please leave before the month is up. I want this done.
H I will not disrupt my life until it is closed.
(Imagine I'm disrupting his life!!!!! )
He calls again
Listen H I'm tired of this....
this marriage was over when you flirted at work and they sent you notes and you kept them,
this marriage was over when you were making love to me and you said "I flirt with a lot of women"WTF
this marriage was over when when we went to visit your "friend" and you two wew in the ktchen saying I love you, no I love you, no I love you and me and her boyfriend heard this
Please stop doing this to me.
I can't imagine there are any trustworthy men out there... I trusted once and look what happened.
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
