I would go w/ a card and maybe flowers that you give her instead of having them delivered. I got a very non-mushy card for H. I won't give it to him unless he gives me one. I also have a box of candy that he will like, just incase. I will follow his lead.
Well, I picked up a dozen roses in a vase for W, plus I got her a card from me and a card from D. W came over tonight to drop off D's toy (Can't sleep without piggy!), brought me hot chocolate and some cake. When she left she didn't want kissing or anything, but she said I'd get my valentine when I go by her house in the morning to pick up some cakes for a party D is having at school. I'm guessing it's probably from D, rather than W, but it's weird that she remembered it.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
My H is seeing his C tomorrow also. I don't think he realized it was v-day when he made the appt. I also don't think the day means a thing to him. It has never been a big day for us, although I do remember where he took me to dinner the first year we were married. It is 1000 miles from where we live so I don't think we will be going there tomorrow, not that we will go anywhere.
Yeah - It was never really significant to us either.
I would go w/ a card and maybe flowers that you give her instead of having them delivered. I got a very non-mushy card for H. I won't give it to him unless he gives me one. I also have a box of candy that he will like, just incase. I will follow his lead.
D and I went over to W's house this morning to pick up cup cakes for D's party at school - We gave W our cards and the roses. I don't think she was expecting the flowers, but she seemed to like it. I got a card from both D and W - I didn't think W would bother at all. She signed the card with a heart and her name. No idea what to make of that.
She is REALLY quiet today. I've been talking to her off and on via IM, but she isn't really into it. She has her C appt this afternoon, so maybe that is on her mind. She just seems very withdrawn - Quite a change from last week and the weekend. We don't have any plans together tonight - I guess we'll see if W goes to the soccer game tonight with people from work. I have arranged for her mom to watch D next weekend, so we can go out to dinner for her b/day. This Saturday W is watching her sister's baby, so maybe I'll offer to help out or something. We've been alternating days with D at the weekend recently, so I'm really not sure what our schedule with her is going to look like this weekend.
Such a weird day huh!? Even though you haven't placed much emphasis on v-day in the past, you probably can't help but hope something will change today.
Let me know how the b-day turns out. H's is coming up in less than a month. I don't know what to do about it. H took me out to dinner w/ Ds for mine in Sept. Didn't bother to get me any gift though, not even from them and they really wanted to get something for me.
Such a weird day huh!? Even though you haven't placed much emphasis on v-day in the past, you probably can't help but hope something will change today.
Today finished up sucking really badly - W said something, I reacted, it snowballed.
D and I went out for dinner together - W was going to the soccer game with friends from work, so she said she'd get dinner on her own. Usual Thursday routine. On the way home D was really cranky, so I called W to see if I could go by and get some cartoons on DVD from her (I don't have any here) for D to watch to make her feel better. W said I could come over, but that she was leaving in a bit. So, D and I got there and got the movies and stuff, and we were starting to leave.
No idea quite what happened - Maybe it was when I hugged W, or maybe I said something, but W got really upset and started to talk about what she had talked to her therapist about.
Quick rundown.
1) She has lots of confusing relationships right now, including me. She doesn't know what she wants, but she is unhappy. She said she sends lots of people mixed signals because she doesn't know what she wants, but that she wasn't being fair to anyone.
2) She knows I want a M and for she and I to be together. She said she can't handle that right now.
3) She said therapy is very stressful for her and she always finds it difficult. She had an appointment a couple of hours before I got over there.
4) She got mad when I told her I had made plans for her birthday. She said that she'd prefer for me to check with her first - She said she'd still go, but that I need to talk to her first next time.
So, I talked to her for a while - I explained that I understood that she wanted to be separate, and that I thought it was a good idea. I told her I didn't expect her to want to live with me tomorrow, because I wanted her to be happy with herself first. She talked a little about what she needs to do for herself, then I, like a complete moron, brought up OM. KA-BOOM. Got accused of snooping, told me she didn't trust me, blah blah. Basically dredged up all of the old stuff from last fall. Not good. She said that she is tired of people accusing her of having inappropriate relationships - I guess people at work have brought up similar comments that I have. On the plus side, we both acknowledged that no other person is the problem, and that it is between she and I.
She was honest with me about her feelings towards me - Basically she is still hurt and still has a lot of resentment (Obviously). She told me that the only reason I want to fix our M is because 'you don't have any other options right now'. She is terrified of she and I getting back into our old routines and habits, and said that when we were living together she was stressed out because she we starting to get back to that.
I guess the plus side is that she said "I don't want a relationship right now. I'm not going to say never, but I need to work on me". She also acknowledged that I had done a lot to help her and support her, but she didn't feel that I had really changed. I just told her that I didn't want things to be the way they were anymore than she did, and that I had worked through a lot of my problems.
At one point I told her that I understood how unhappy and confused she was at the moment, and that I was trying to understand what I needed to do to help her - She just told me that she needed to do things on her own, because she always tries to help everyone else and doesn't take care of herself. She got really upset when I told her that every once in a while I see her happy and hope that at some point she can feel like that every day. I think that is what she really wants, but she's obviously a long way from that right now.
By the time D and I left, she was half an hour late for her game, which I know was stressful for her. She refused to even be touched by me at all when we were leaving and just seemed totally uncomfortable, even with herself. She told me she just needed to be alone for a while. I have no idea if she actually went out tonight - She logged off IM, but that doesn't mean anything. She had been drinking a bunch when I got there, so I think the day in general, plus therapy, had been difficult for her.
So, I guess I screwed up pretty bad tonight - We'll see how she is tomorrow. I know the right thing to do at the moment is lay low, keep my mouth shut and wait for her to make the next move. I want to send her an e-mail to apologize and 'clear the air', but I know nothing good will come of that.
It sounds like you did a lot of good reflecting in your post of tonights events. Don't apologize to your W for today. That may just make her feel guilty and make her feel worse. It sounds like you handle the sitch as best as possible.
Hey Brit, I don't think you screwed up pretty bad. In fact I doubt you really changed the sitch at all, just got a lot of things out in the open it sounds like.
I can't help it when I read your posts that I can never blame you for saying or doing some of the things you do with your W...she sends you so many mixed signals that you don't know which way is up with her. And it's good that she realizes it!!
Sometimes she hugs and kisses you, sometimes she doesn't. Then she gets upset when you try it. Same with the ILY's. And her b-day?? Come on. She has dinner with you all the time, why wouldn't you want to do something nice for her? She is kind of cake eating don't you think? I mean she just wants it her way when she wants it and you're supposed to sit back and take whatever she throws at you...not knowing from one minute to the next what you're going to get. I don't know what I'd rather have Brit...that mass confusion...or my H's all out certainty.
Quote:
She told me that the only reason I want to fix our M is because 'you don't have any other options right now'. She is terrified of she and I getting back into our old routines and habits, and said that when we were living together she was stressed out because she we starting to get back to that.
Do you know exactly what it is that she considers "old routines and habits"? She's built up an image of you and it doesn't seem to be changing with your DB efforts. Do you know exactly what change she's expecting in you?
Sorry your day turned out this way. I agree with Lizzy that I wouldn't apologize or send an e-mail. Just leave it. Who knows, she may even reflect on it and come to you. Don't beat yourself up about it. Everything happens for a reason. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
I don't think you screwed up pretty bad. In fact I doubt you really changed the sitch at all, just got a lot of things out in the open it sounds like.
We will see - This is the second stressful conversation we've had in a couple of weeks, after no fighting for 4 or 5 months. Yeah, I don't help it and I don't stop it, but it seems to be sourced by something else. Today was probably kicked off by her therapy session that got her braincells jumping around. I'm not absolving my contribution to the problem - Probably would have had a totally different outcome if I had said it on Tuesday or something, instead of tonight.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
Sometimes she hugs and kisses you, sometimes she doesn't. Then she gets upset when you try it. Same with the ILY's. And her b-day?? Come on. She has dinner with you all the time, why wouldn't you want to do something nice for her? She is kind of cake eating don't you think? I mean she just wants it her way when she wants it and you're supposed to sit back and take whatever she throws at you...not knowing from one minute to the next what you're going to get. I don't know what I'd rather have Brit...that mass confusion...or my H's all out certainty.
There occasionally is some pattern and consistency to the mass confusion. Usually when she has a more stressful encounter with OM, she'll want to hang out with me either for company, or to talk about it, but she won't be into the physical stuff. Other days, she'll be very affectionate (Last Tuesday is a good example), without any obvious reason for it. Again, I don't think it really has a whole lot to do with me.
You're the second person today who has mentioned cake eating. I spent a bunch of time today working with a lawyer to try to fix a debt problem she has from eons ago that got out of control - I committed to handling it for her a while ago (actually, me NOT helping her caused the last argument), so I'm not just going to throw in the towel with that one. It's hard to figure out - She really has no money and no resources, so when something comes up, she's pretty much screwed. She feels like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders during our marriage, so the less I do to help, the more the idea gets cemented in her head.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
Do you know exactly what it is that she considers "old routines and habits"? She's built up an image of you and it doesn't seem to be changing with your DB efforts. Do you know exactly what change she's expecting in you?
Our R started out with W almost assuming a caregiver role - That's the way she has been with all her R's in the past. She'll take on the burden of everything in order to help the other person, even though it totally exhausts her emotionally and mentally. She's admitted that this really has little to do with me, and it has been a recurring problem for decades.
I don't think much is going to change with W's image of me until she works through her own problems. She has habits and ways of dealing with things (or not dealing, as the case may be) that have caused a lot of tension between us - Problems with anger and trust. She has told me she felt very alone and unappreciated after D was born, which I can understand - I worked a lot and she and I never really took time for ourselves. We spent A LOT of time together, but it obviously wasn't quality time. Of course, she takes any time I put into she and I right now as pursuing, so it's going to be a while before we figure that one out.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
Sorry your day turned out this way. I agree with Lizzy that I wouldn't apologize or send an e-mail. Just leave it. Who knows, she may even reflect on it and come to you. Don't beat yourself up about it. Everything happens for a reason.
We're talking a little on IM now. She seems angry and upset, but not to an extreme like I have seen before. There is probably very little 'talking around the problem' right now. She just needs time to simmer and get over it.
You might want to shop around for a new thearapist if you W does not think this one is doing her any good.
No - It's not that. W just finds it very emotionally draining. She has been to a couple of therapists over the years, and it's pretty much the same for all of them. W never really deals with things, so I think she has a tough time when she has to face up to a lot of stuff.
She seems to like this one, although I've not talked to her much about what they discuss.
(2:30:58 PM) W: I know this is really hard for both of us (2:31:08 PM) W: but I need some space (2:31:42 PM) M: okay (2:32:51 PM) M: I'm sorry if I've made you feel overwhelemed (2:34:31 PM) W: that's okay
