Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

this has been a really hard day. I think the realization of how much i have NOT let go is really hitting me. That and the "Anniversary" of him leaving is slowly approaching...as well as wonderful Valentines day.

But it has been hard. I think realizing that I truly do need to go dark. That I need to NOT linger longer - I need to do this for myself. I realized it BIG TIME today.

I had to go get my money from him. Needless to say I did get on "act 1" but crumbled a bit later. I was strong and to the point. Then I looked at the paper work he has to give me (legal stuff for the childsupport/alimony) and things didn't add up...so I called him.

I wasn't and am not wimpy around him anymore. I just HATE beign "Strong" and coming off like a B*. This whole thing just stinks.

Today I wanted to do the "can we talk..is this really what you want stuf..." NO I didn't but I wanted to. I called my mom after work and just balled. I told her all the questions I wanted to ask..she said "you know him best..what do you think he would say" So we went through the questios - and I answered them.

What did he "say" back in my head? LOTS AND LOTS of "I don't know's and some no answers...." That has been my history with him. When he didn't want to answer or WHATEVER my wonderful passive agressive husband kept the peace but not causing any controversy and leaving me hangin'. EVEN though I know the answer...his actions show them.

I just wish you guys - I just wish that when I thought about him it wasn't "Are you sure this is what you want..." I wish it was "Am I sure this is what I want..."

hope it makes sense.....looming thoughts - sad day.
This onion layer life peeling is hard!! =)