Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

Thanks Trusting. This growing thing hurts! =) Thank you for the vote of confidence.

[Meredith]

Control is a brutal thing, isn't it? Is the "controlling behaviors" list still floating around on the board? If so, it's a good eye-opening read. It makes us see how really controlling we are - and then we can write some 'opposites' to the behaviors to work on stopping. Once you get the hang of it, your teeth clench less, I gaurantee it!

Fear is brutal, too. Especially when our own integrity has been on the line for so long, it's hard to know what to fear more - him filing or you doing it! The thing is, though, there isn't a winner or a looser. He might "get what he wanted all along" but if that is the case he was going to get it anyway.

I think that it is always better to be true to yourself and hold your head high. There won't be any shame in the awful process if you can do that. Never, EVER, be a push over - but give where you honestly can even if it does come down to the big D.


***PS: I'm working from home today so I'm on the world's most awful laptop keyboard. Please excuse any (many) typos!!!!

[Meredith]

Of course you miss him. That is natural, it's going to happen! It's what you do about missing him that will make this better. Did you know that activity trumps an aching heart?? True story!

I don't want you to think that I decided one day to be dark and never looked back, never stumbled, never cried. I did all of those things - over and over sometimes. In darkness, I handled them different, though. I didn't give in to the urge to grab the phone and call him about some mundane thing just to get him on the line, I didn't write another goodbye letter (I had a lot). I had to do other things to get through it.

Hang in there, you're doing great!!!!

Heck, if you need to get some aggression out there are a lot of outlets on the board at the moment....

[CMNM]

ok ok you two i am giggling. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF you know!! =)

Thank you for this! I was scared to death that I ruined your thread!!!

I want to comment on some things, but am bogged down in homework galore. Yes, another lovely change...back to school for more education for a better job. Sigh.

Off topic- wasn't A.I. great last night? I liked the new way of doing things. I like that kid who lives in his car, but MAN! he cries more than one of us LBS's!

[cagzmom]

this has been a really hard day. I think the realization of how much i have NOT let go is really hitting me. That and the "Anniversary" of him leaving is slowly approaching...as well as wonderful Valentines day.

But it has been hard. I think realizing that I truly do need to go dark. That I need to NOT linger longer - I need to do this for myself. I realized it BIG TIME today.

I had to go get my money from him. Needless to say I did get on "act 1" but crumbled a bit later. I was strong and to the point. Then I looked at the paper work he has to give me (legal stuff for the childsupport/alimony) and things didn't add up...so I called him.

I wasn't and am not wimpy around him anymore. I just HATE beign "Strong" and coming off like a B*. This whole thing just stinks.

Today I wanted to do the "can we talk..is this really what you want stuf..." NO I didn't but I wanted to. I called my mom after work and just balled. I told her all the questions I wanted to ask..she said "you know him best..what do you think he would say" So we went through the questios - and I answered them.

What did he "say" back in my head? LOTS AND LOTS of "I don't know's and some no answers...." That has been my history with him. When he didn't want to answer or WHATEVER my wonderful passive agressive husband kept the peace but not causing any controversy and leaving me hangin'. EVEN though I know the answer...his actions show them.

I just wish you guys - I just wish that when I thought about him it wasn't "Are you sure this is what you want..." I wish it was "Am I sure this is what I want..."

hope it makes sense.....looming thoughts - sad day.
This onion layer life peeling is hard!! =)

[Meredith]

It is ridiculously hard sometimes, isn't? Unfairly hard.

The thing is though, it gets better. . . . .someday

I love how you asked/answered the questions with your mom! That is so much more productive than calling H and you likely got the same answers anyhow. Does anyone else hate the sentence "I don't know" as much as I do? UGH.

The thing about divorce is, it's not a question of "do I, or do I not?" - that is more the question for buying produce this time of the year where I live. "Do I want to spend $6.00 on the nasty discombobulated strawberries for the kindergarten valentines day party?" is where we would employ this logic. (By the way, I did it). When it comes to divorce, the question becomes "how can I improve my life RIGHT NOW and for the future?"

Let's face it. As much as we absolutely hate to hear it, they (the confused spouses of the world) don't a have a third clue from Sunday what they want. It's pretty obvious with the marriage/OW combination. There isn't a logical answer for "Are you sure this is what you want". If you need an answer for that particular question I'll give it to you - NO. There, feel better?

So screw that noise. What can you do today to make your life a little bit more fun to live? What can you do to give yourself something to look forward to?

The answers will come, you can't force them. If you don't have a solid answer then it's not time for you to answer that question. Maybe on Deal or No Deal that logic doesn't apply, but since we're not - I can use it

Let's hash it out. What is the worst thing that could happen if you do go dark? If you go dark, what will keep you busy? What will be the trigger reaction when you want to go down a cheeseless tunnel?

What was the movie...something about a quilt...where the woman would throw a dish/plate/cup/saucer/whatever against the wall and then use the pieces and grout to add "tile" to her laundry room walls every time her philandering husband ticked her off? I always liked that movie, whatever it is Throw a good dish, Cagz!!!!

[cagzmom]

Meredith you truly have walked my shoes!

Logic girl here thinks everything should add up - and this walk does NOT give me this.

Ok the worst thing that could happen if I go dark...
I will miss him even more.
He will forget about me.
The hurt will remain and I will "loose" yet again.
He will think that I would NEVER take him back.

If I go dark what will keep me busy?
That there in lay problem numero uno...dont know

Cheeseless tunnel..??? more please...

[cagzmom]

[quote=Meredith]

The thing about divorce is, it's not a question of "do I, or do I not?" - that is more the question for buying produce this time of the year where I live. "Do I want to spend $6.00 on the nasty discombobulated strawberries for the kindergarten valentines day party?" is where we would employ this logic. (By the way, I did it). When it comes to divorce, the question becomes "how can I improve my life RIGHT NOW and for the future?"

YOU NAILED IT ON THE HEAD!!!>....
WOW didn't think of it like that....HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW AND FOR THE FUTURE....

This entire process of going inside of me instead of outside to him is so new to me. Worrying about him - how things affect him - him him him....AND YES through this again IT HAS BEEN ABOUT HIM ---but it is time for ME...

The hard part? I dont like being alone. BUT your sentence is CLEAR. IT IS NOT about do I want this or not..it is WILL/WOULD I DO FOR ME to make ME .
1) Happy (ok the joy stuff not happy happy bla bla bla)
2) Inner peace
3) Give me hope for my future

Hmmm pondering pondering..

[CMNM]

Ok the worst thing that could happen if I go dark...
I will miss him even more.
He will forget about me.
The hurt will remain and I will "loose" yet again.
He will think that I would NEVER take him back.

1. Sweetie, you may think you miss him more when you don't speak to him, but isn't the deep connection what you are truly missing? In time, you learn that just seeing someone doesn't a relationship make. In thinking in this manner, you are setting yourself up to keep on making more of something that is not there at this time.
I was a pusher, too.
No, not drugs.
I pushed and pushed to get something out of my H whenever we were together. In time, I only succeeded in pushing him further away.

I used to get my little "fix" in by not going more than 3 days seeing my H. But that's all it was...I was seeing him. Standing in proximity to him was not deepening the connection, as much as I had hoped it would!

2. I don't need to tell you this, but I will. He won't/can't forget about you. He needs to put you out of his mind right now, but that is not the same as forgetting. Despite the outcome, you will never be forgotten.

3. Going dark was never a promise of lessening your pain. Only time can do that. Nor is this a win/lose proposition, unless you look at it in terms of winning yourself back. If your H were to divorce you, would that make you a "loser?" Hell, no. And, since I know that this is a hard concept to swallow, think of anyone in your life who was forced into a divorce they did not want. Would the word "loser" come to your mind when thinking of them?

4. What is it about going dark that you think will give him this idea? It is not designed as a means to burn a bridge. Going dark doesn't mean going "mean." I really think that this is the hardest part. When I didn't have contact, it was at first hard not to answer the phone (when it finally rang) in either a pitiful voice, or worse yet, an angry voice. It was hard because I did in fact feel both of those things! At those times, I answered with texts. They were nice texts... stuff like, "sorry I missed your call, but here is the info you were looking for..." A text could hide the "a$$hole" or other name that might have otherwise slipped out under my breath...
Seriously, though, please remember this....going dark doesn't mean going mean.

OK, now, since I know Mer will ask you this...
If your H died tomorrow, and you weren't spending so much time worrying/stressing about this relationship, what would you be doing?

Your response of not knowing what would keep you busy reminds me of myself. At first, I felt this way. But, as time went on, I did begin doing new things. I went back to school. I joined the gym. I volunteered at community events. I met up with kooky people like Meredith and saw movies, shopped, and laughed over drinks. And guess what? My H actually remarked that this was what he wanted from me. He wanted me to have my own life, outside of him and the kids. He wanted to be interested in me again. He sure wasn't interested in himself, so when that's ALL I was interested in...well, you can see how this is a recipe for disaster!
Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that an OW would be giving your H unlimited time and praise, etc, so you should, too. That stuff happens in the beginning of a relationship, but it is not the stuff that sustains one.

So, let's get it out here...
A list, please, of things you'd like to try, ON YOUR OWN, for YOU.

[cagzmom]

I was a pusher, too.
No, not drugs.
I pushed and pushed to get something out of my H whenever we were together. In time, I only succeeded in pushing him further away.

I used to get my little "fix" in by not going more than 3 days seeing my H. But that's all it was...I was seeing him. Standing in proximity to him was not deepening the connection, as much as I had hoped it would!

ah yes illusionville. My "fix" interesting you should use that term. In the beginning of all of this my C told me I was like a drug addict...that I thought just a little will do me a lot of good. I have changed and grown so much....but still it is time for more and it hurts. The fixes for me have changed over the past year. At first I was like so many others - daily phone calls - or quick messages just to "hear" him. Since September I thought I had been doing better - and to be hoenst for the time I think I did...and now it is time for the onion peel once again....

2. I don't need to tell you this, but I will. He won't/can't forget about you. He needs to put you out of his mind right now, but that is not the same as forgetting. Despite the outcome, you will never be forgotten.

As you already know- you feel forgotten, thrown away like an old pair of shoes. It is hard to believe that he will ever see/remember what I cherished...and that it will ever be in fondness and regret.

3. Going dark was never a promise of lessening your pain. Only time can do that. Nor is this a win/lose proposition, unless you look at it in terms of winning yourself back. If your H were to divorce you, would that make you a "loser?" Hell, no. And, since I know that this is a hard concept to swallow, think of anyone in your life who was forced into a divorce they did not want. Would the word "loser" come to your mind when thinking of them?

I use win and loose loosely because my H has seemed to ALWAYS get what he wanted somehow...and he wanted to be rid of me ... hence where I come up with the fact that I am the looser. Me DIVORCED - right now today if I am being honest yes that does = looser. I lost the man I gave my heart to.

4. What is it about going dark that you think will give him this idea? It is not designed as a means to burn a bridge. Going dark doesn't mean going "mean." I really think that this is the hardest part. When I didn't have contact, it was at first hard not to answer the phone (when it finally rang) in either a pitiful voice, or worse yet, an angry voice. It was hard because I did in fact feel both of those things! At those times, I answered with texts. They were nice texts... stuff like, "sorry I missed your call, but here is the info you were looking for..." A text could hide the "a$$hole" or other name that might have otherwise slipped out under my breath...
Seriously, though, please remember this....going dark doesn't mean going mean.

Thank you for explaining that. For real...I think for me right now there are 2 things I have to do for me.... HAVE TO. 1 is to have a plan of "out the door" when he comes to pick up d11 and drop her off...I HAVE to or the lingerlonger will be hard to avoid..much like chocolate during PMS. 2-There truly is NO reason other than life or death for me to contact him (for now) period. AND FOR ME - I NEED TO DO THIS

OK, now, since I know Mer will ask you this...
If your H died tomorrow, and you weren't spending so much time worrying/stressing about this relationship, what would you be doing?

Your response of not knowing what would keep you busy reminds me of myself. At first, I felt this way. But, as time went on, I did begin doing new things. I went back to school. I joined the gym. I volunteered at community events. I met up with kooky people like Meredith and saw movies, shopped, and laughed over drinks. And guess what? My H actually remarked that this was what he wanted from me. He wanted me to have my own life, outside of him and the kids. He wanted to be interested in me again. He sure wasn't interested in himself, so when that's ALL I was interested in...well, you can see how this is a recipe for disaster!

Ah the question for all LBS-- GAL I believe is the term on this BB. I dont know right now. I do know I could easily become a workaholic --- i love my job and what I am learning. I actually thought tongiht about starting to write again (and yes of course I have excuses as to why not to). Nice weather is on its way and walks and things outside are coming..so I have ideas. ALSO I am hoping to be able to buy my OWN HOUSE very shortly......just waiting for the final seperation papers to be done. Living in an apartment (For me for now) is good - but limits thigns.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that an OW would be giving your H unlimited time and praise, etc, so you should, too. That stuff happens in the beginning of a relationship, but it is not the stuff that sustains one.

Oh but here in is the twist...she is 23 and does give him praise praise praise. AFterall he is the "poor" man who was used and abused by me.

This thread is really helping. I have actually been thinking about WHAT I CAN DO FOR ME..more than how I could win him back AND THAT IS A FIRST!!!