Beginning again like a newbie

[saffie]

ACJ,

I am sorry that you are going through all this. I have to say that I agree with ALL Ellie's comments - both those about the children and those about letting go.

I also agree with your comments about TV's in the kids rooms - I would go even further and say avoid letting them all have PC's in their rooms - it leads to a fragmented family life style. Having said that - when I was a teenager I was out of the house from dawn until dusk when I could be, either with my friends or out riding the horses. When at home I would go to my room and either listen to music or read. To me it'a all part of the detachment and growing up process. I am not close to my parents and that does deeply sadden me, and I want my children to be closer to me than I am to my parents - but we can't make them be like that.

One thing that does really help is family meal times. We ALWAYS eat together as a family in the evening and share what has happened in the day. We never eat on our laps in front of the television.

[ACJ]

How we all perceive what a D means in the beginning.

Hence the reason for my thread title. I feel like I am still at (or at very least back at) the beginning.

Most of what I write here is me journalling. It is the only way I can stop myself from going crazy. If it's on 'paper' it is out of my head. That's why you will often see pages of monologue from me. If others comment on it that is brilliant but mostly I do it to help me reflect. I'm clearly not very good at reflection b/c as you so rightly point out I am no further forward than when I first came here BUT now that I have realised that I can start to look at ways of improving that part of ME.

Thanks for your input.

[TRUSTING]

Hi ACJ,

I wanted to keep up with your post. I think you are way too hard on yourself. This is not about you, it is about a very broken person who has to find himself.

I am also going dark, not letting him see me or hear my voice. I think he is getting frustrated, but that is o.k.

Hang in there girl. You can do this. Do you read Charlyne Cares?

[ACJ]

Do you read Charlyne Cares?

Funnily enough I subscribed just a couple of days ago. I have had the link for over a year and have read the site before (especially the Q&A section).

To tell the truth I'm feeling a little hypocritical about this. I do consider myself a Christian. I do have beliefs BUT I don't go to church. This is mainly b/c I have not been brought up to go to church every Sunday. I do pray for my H but not on that regular a basis (sometimes it is every day for months and others it is only sporadic). I'm also having doubts about the power of Christ. I guess that is the impatient me coming out.

That said the message I received this morning was VERY applicable to my sitch so I will persevere with it.

[cat03]

Hey ACJ, I have been trying to get a hold of your stich, have read some of your posts, you surely are going through a whole lot dear)))))))))) and there you are, comforting me)))))))))))
I just had to reply when I read this last entry. Hon, there are times when we are in a crucible, in a very hard place, God allows this to happen so we can grow, so we can learn to trust Him, so we can learn to LET GO, to have blind faith despite having the rug pulled from under us. You've sort of know my sitch, I have been trying to control my M and my H to no avail. I have learned since that my problems are in God's hands, that they will be resolved, maybe not in the time/way I want them to, but they will be taken care of and that all will be for my own good (I just wont' see the big pict as God does).

I am a weak wretch, I survive daily because in my weakness God is strong and carries me, I have nothing good in me, anything worthwhile comes from Him. I now have peace among the madness of my "M", I can smile and be happy with my kids... and that's the power of Christ working in me ACJ.

[ACJ]

Ok H is really taking this whole 'no communication' issue a bit too far now.

My landline just rang. I answered it. I have sort of been expecting him to ring (don't know why) so for days I have been answering it in the most upbeat voice I can muster. The person on the other end said nothing and put the phone down.

I have the facility on my phone to try to ascertain who just phoned. Yes it was H. His mobile number. I'm sure it can't have been that his keypad wasn't locked and therefore as my name begins with A his phone has rung me by itself b/c the way the phone was put down was too deliberate.

There is only S15 in so I just asked him if he has been trying to contact his dad. He said no. I told him what just happened and said if he wanted to ring back to see who it was that he wanted that was fine.

Could this be withdrawal I ask myself?????????? Geesh I hope so it's about time he moved in his tunnel Not gonna hold my breath though otherwise I will look like this:

[ACJ]

I solved the mystery of the phone call. D12 told me he phoned her on her mobile. She was at the cinema at the time but she did speak to him. I resisted the urge to ask what about b/c one of my goals is to not do that anymore.

So replay it is then

[brandnewday]

Hey ACJ,
Heard you are having lovely weather over there.
I am dealing with snow, ice and rain all at the same time.
BLEH!
Glad that you stuck to your goal of not asking questions.
I know it is hard, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.
(((((((hugs)))))))

[ACJ]

Heard you are having lovely weather over there

Yes it's not bad. Still cold though and tonight it is very foggy.

I know it is hard, but the more you do it, the easier it will become

That's what I'm banking on

[brandnewday]

I remember how hard it was when my H would call my D20 and they would have these long chats and I had to stay out of it.

It was so hard to act like I didn't care.

But it was better for me in the long run.