That's easy to say. I'm curious why you are saying it?
The reason I ask is not to indulge myself. I'm grateful for your support and complement. I'm a humble man, and I don't suffer from the 'frank is so great' affliction.
You're real, you're honest, you're still 'trying', even in letting go....even with me...you're a peaceful man. I value that.
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I see you as a friend, and face it sgctxok, we love you because you are one of us, one of the survivors. AmyC and so many of the rest of us were miffed when we felt that you weren't really addressing our issues, instead you seemed to be 'speaking the party line' and pushing db principals where they may not be working. What I have seen in your recent posts is a sincere, loving and compassionate person I am only now beginning to know.
Listen, I'm not anybody special. I'm just a a guy with a lot of problems.
Have you read 'the four agreements'?
In it, there is a one agreement you need to honor:
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Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
I honor you because you are in a position where your words carry great power.
Consider this, as an awakening. With great power comes great responsibility.
I believe you were attracted to these threads for a reason.
What do YOU think that reason is?
I'll tell you one thing. It wasn't to make friends.
It was to heal. No matter what.
You've said a lot. And you speak to where I'm at......so....I'll try to do it piecemeal....
AmyC and so many of the rest of us were miffed when we felt that you weren't really addressing our issues, instead you seemed to be 'speaking the party line' and pushing db principals where they may not be working.
Several things are at play here. I haven't read through everyone's every post. I cannot. I would....but it's impossible. I have a fulltime job and two children ...etc.
I do not begin to pretend I have expertise or am a better DBer than anyone. Michele has me here because I do really understand DB principles, completely....completely believe in them, because I've seen them work
I understand....and so does she....you can completely try everything and lose your spouse. DB isn't for everyone. There are other places for those folks. That sounds harsh....but this is the place to DB.
I am not talking about anyone in the recent issues on the board when I say this: A lot of folks never really try to use the techniques. They are on here to blame their spouse. Many folks are really very comfortable diagnosing their spouse as MLC when truly they have been a complete jerk to live with, or so depressing to live with....etc.
Even when a spouse is MLC.....and IF you are trying some of the things Michele describes....and they don't seem to be working.....you are 'training' yourself with skills when they return or you enter a new relationship.
Unfortunately, if you divorce and end up in a new relationship....and I know FIRSTHAND...your own behavior is still there. Everything you were able to pin on your MLCer (or abuser, or etc) gets you 'off' the hook. Until you're in the new relationship, and you realize (and hopefully you do) that all the relationship ills are not solely the other persons fault. That change has to happen.
And lastly....on this initial topic....
A lot of the MLC information that folks want to delve into is theory oriented. That's fine. But...the basics of SBT is action. No matter how much you 'understand', it doesn't help you 'do'. DB helps you do. And you can ALWAYS use DB principles to 'do'. If it isn't working, you change it.
It sounds simple. The words are simple.......and if you're overwhelmed with the complexities and crap of your situation...I can see where you might get angry or upset at someone talking about the basics. But its the truth. And I have lived it.
I do care, and am open to the dialog.....I am time-limited though....and I won't notice everything on the board...doing my best. Please always feel free to 'notify' moderator.
I'll do the next topic in the next post.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
