Amy and I moved in together and have lived in her brother and his girlfriends basement for almost 2 years. I think this is one source of our problems because it has prevented our relationship from growing.
Anyway, we went to France this past summer and got engaged. Over the past couple months a lot of negative things have happened.
November 22 (Thursday): Amy and I spent Thanksgiving seperately because her grandfather is real sick and she wanted to make sure she spent time with him.
November 24 (Saturday): Amy and I went out together to Lynn's Bar to hangout with friends.
November 30 (Friday): Amy and I went out together.
December 1 (Saturday): Amy and I went out together.
December 3 (Monday): Amy had class.
December 5 (Wednesday): Amy had class.
December 6 (Thursday): Amy and I went Christmas shopping and out to dinner.
December 7 (Friday): Amy and I went out together with her brother and his girlfriend and with my sister and brother-in-law.
December 8 (Saturday): Amy buys wedding dress; Amy and I go to movies with my sister and brother-in-law.
December 10 (Monday): Amy had class.
December 12 (Wednesday): Amy had class.
December 14 (Friday): Amy and I went to a Christmas Party; Amy caused a situation at the bar that she bartends at when she calls a coworker a "fat bitch".
December 16 (Saturday): Amy goes into work crying and apologizes.
December 17 (Monday): Amy had class.
December 18 (Tuesday): Amy got news that her grandfather may have to go into a home.
December 20 (Thursday): Amy goes out for girls happy hour.
December 21 (Friday): Amy and I go out my hometown.
December 22 (Saturday): Amy and I go out in my hometown.
December 23 (Sunday): Amy has wedding dress fitting.
December 24 (Monday): Amy and I celebrate Christmas with her brother, his girlfriend, Amy's parents and her brother's friends. Amy is sad that it is the first Christmas that does not include her grandparents who do not come. Amy and I get no sleep in the basement because her brother and his friends were playing video games until 5am on Christmas morning.
December 25 (Tuesday): Amy and I celebrate Christmas in my hometown and ask my aunt to marry us.
December 27 (Thursday): I play cards with my friends.
December 28 (Friday): Amy and I go out to dinner together.
December 29 (Saturday): Amy and I go to lunch with one of my friends. Amy and I go out with her brother and his girlfriend that evening to watch a football game.
December 31 (Monday): Amy and I go out together with friends for New Years Eve.
January 1 (Tuesday): Shortly after midnight I am assulted and go to emergency room for 8 hours. I end up with torn rib cartlidge and bruised kidney. I am highly hurt that no one helped me or came to the hospital. Amy's brother was at home playing video games while I was in ER.
January 2 (Wednesday): Amy's brother watched video tape of the assult and defends the bar for their actions. He is a distributer for the bar (one of his customers). I am hurt that he did not stand up for me more than he did.
January 3 (Thursday): I have a followup doctor appointment.
January 4 (Friday): Amy and I go to my hometown for wedding plans.
January 5 (Saturday): Amy and I visit and select caterer for the wedding. Amy and I fo to my nephew's birthday party.
January 7 (Monday): I get a tent estimate for the wedding.
January 10 (Thursday): I get a new tent estimate. Amy goes out with coworkers until 2:30am. Her dogs make a mess in her brother's girlfriends house.
January 11 (Friday): Amy and I go out together. I am noticiably uncomfortable. This is the first time I am out since the assult.
January 12 (Saturday): Amy goes to a Passion Party. Amy and I go out together.
January 13 (Sunday): Amy goes with our moms and my sister for them to try on dresses for the wedding.
January 14 (Monday): I got the guest list for my side of the family and a final estimate for the tent.
January 15 (Tuesday): Amy goes out with her girlfriends to support the one that had her uncle murdered the day before.
January 16 (Wednesday): Amy and I argue about the apporpiateness of going to a "bar" for moral support.
January 17 (Thursday): Amy and I go to the wake for her friend then we go out to dinner together.
January 18 (Friday): Amy and I go out to happy hour. We then go to my brother's girlfriends apartment warming party.
January 19 (Saturday): Amy and I look for apartments all day then we go out to dinner with he friends.
January 20 (Sunday): Amy and I watch football game with my friends. While Amy is driving us home, my friends coat was stuck in door causeing light ot go off. Amy snapped at my friends because she though we were goofing around. Amy and I got into a fight and she ended up walking home. I brought friends home and stayed at their place for the night.
January 21 (Monday): I am notified by lawyer that my X is contesting a lawsuit I won....still dragging on 3 years latter.
January 22 (Tuesday): Amy out with coworkes until 3:30am. I had to pick her up because she was too drunk to drive. We end up getting into arguement about her being out so late. Amy throws ring at me. I try to get amy to go through front door so others would not be woken up. Amy gets pissed and thinks I am "manhandling" her. She beats me with her purse, punches me, kicks me in the nuts, and slaps me in the face. We end up rolling around the snow and I, in a moment of weakness and embarrassment, slap her in the face in an attempt to get her to snap out of her drunken anger. The ring falls out of my pocket. The arguement continues inside in front of her brother where she continues to hit me and say that she loathes me and wants me out. After she calms down we hug and feel bad about what happened.
January 23 (Wednesday): I spend most of day looking for ring.
January 24 (Thursday): I continue to look for ring. Amy feels bad about loosing it and how she behaved.
January 25 (Friday): Amy and I go to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. I send the photographer a downpayment.
January 26 (Saturday): Amy selects table arrangement for wedding. Amy and I go to a birthday pary. Amy apologizes to my friend for her behavior the prior weekend.
January 27 (Sunday): Amy selects arbor for wedding.
January 28 (Monday): I call my mom about making napkins for the wedding. I send tent downpayment. Photographer confirmed.
January 29 (Tuesday): I had a followup doctors appointment for the assult. Amy had class. I recieved a letter from X's lawyer about fighting lawsuit. Tent confirmed for wedding.
January 30 (Wednesday): Amy told to drop class because she did not do well on a pop quiz. Amy calls me and I reassure her that she can do it and I will help her.
January 31 (Thursday): I select DJ and send downpayment. Amy has class. Amy goes out with coworkers until 4:30am.
February 1 (Friday): I am upset about prior night, but do not argue with her. Amy send a text message asking if i "still love her". I respond "why wouldn't I". In an effort to do my own thing I go to happy hour alone. Amy, her borther and his girlfriend meet me. Amy asks why I didn't visit her at work. Annie (brother's girlfriend) tells her that it was not right to go out that late the night before.
February 2 (Saturday): Amy tells me that she does not know what she wants anymore. I cancel wedding appointments that we had in my hometown. Prior to cancelling caterer appointment Amy asked me to wait because she still had "15 minutes to decide". I voice that I don't think that 15 minutes is an appropriate amount of time to make such a major decision. I end up going to my hometown to give her space for the weekend.
February 3 (Sunday): Amy texts "I miss you". Amy and I have good text exchanges during Super Bowl. Before going to bed I text her to see if she still misses me. She replies "Yup". I ask "How much". She replies "Can't measure".
February 4 (Monday): Amy and I talk that night after I came home from the gym. She says she still doesn't know what she wants. That she has been crying all weekend. She states that the only thing she knows for sure is that we need to postpone the wedding. I am shocked and try to change her mind. Amy slept upstairs and gave me time to think about her decision.
February 5 (Tuesday): Amy and I talk in the morning. I tell her she is right and that if we have issues to work through that the wedding should be postponed. Amy has class and returns from class irritable. Amy tells me "I love you but I am not in love with you". She also tells me that she doesn't understand why she feels this way because I am "perfect on paper"....attractive, smart, good job, kind, caring, etc....her feelings for me have changed. Amy hugs me hard for a minute or so. I tell her I don't want to let go because this could be the last time I have her in my arms. Amy kissed me on the neck and on the lips and went upstairs to bed. I have not seen Amy since.
February 6 (Wednesday): No contact and I moved some of my stuff out while she was not home.
February 7 (Thursday): No contact and I moved some of my stuff out while she was not home.
February 8 (Friday): No contact and I moved some of my stuff out while she was not home. I went to my hometown for the weekend to hangout with family and friends.
February 9 (Saturday): Amy gets rid of the dogs that she has had for almost 10 years.
February 13 (Wednesday): I have completely moved out.
Amy has lived a very chaotic life. She move across the country at an early age. Her father became an alcoholic and did inappropriate things. I am not sure what he did exactly....just that it caused her a lot of pain. Her mom left him and moved back to NY.
After a short separation, he cleaned up his act and her parents reconciled their marriage. Amy was a rebellious teenager and was kicked out of the house at age 16. She then moved in with another family and did not talk to her parents for 2 years. I know that things have gotten physical in 2 other relationships that she has had. One with a guy in high school who threw her down some stairs and also with her X, who she slapped and punched him in the face. She said that once she punched him in the face she knew their relationship was over.
Amy met her X at a bar and the day before they moved to Florida, she saw him flirting with another girl. They moved to Florida where they got involved in drugs and he started bringing other women into the bedroom for threesomes. Amy ended up rejecting this practice and they moved to California but the drug use by her X continued. After a year in California she moved to Colorado with her X. After a year there, they ended their marriage and Amy returned to NY. I met Amy a short time after that.
In the 2 years that I have known Amy, she has had 7 different jobs and changed her major in school 5 times. Amy is 34 and pursuing her Masters , I am 32 and have a professional job with NYS. I have my MBA and am very stable. I feel that I am the most stable thing that she has had in her 34 years. I just don't know.....
I know I could have done things differently. I could have been less nagative with my assault, the dogs, and living in the basement....no one likes to hang out with a negative person. I was going through a difficult time and just wanted support, which I never received. I think I stopped being "the better option". this just encouraged Amy to go out more. I don't blame her...why hang with a negative guy when you can go out with your friends and have fun?
I could have been less anal retentive. I am an engineer and to a fault I am a perfectionist. She was unhappy that everything was a chore. I had to research everything and make sure everything that was planned for the wedding was perfect. I just wanted her to have the best....instead it became "unfun".
I could have communicated the inequity in the investment in the relationship that I was feeling better than I did. Instead of explaining my feelings, I was passive aggressive and this led to arguements instead of discussions. She felt like I was "keeping her in a box" when I had a problem with her going out so much. I just wanted some investment in us....
I do understand the role I played in this mess. I just wish I could fix it...
I will not be making any effort to contact Amy at this point. It is apparent that she is still in a "fog". It is almost like she is an unrecognizable person. If I try to contact her she will feel justified in her ending the relationship. If this situation were to ever be resolved then it would have to be from her reaching out to me....otherwise there would be no change and she would continue with the relationship as it was...which will not work.
Does this sound like a good approach?
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
I can tell by your post that you're an engineer. It's very detailed and all laid out.
Being "perfect on paper" is probably something very forgein to Amy. It sounds like her life has been quite chaotic and she may not know what to do when there is no drama. Do you think there's another man involved that made her feeling for you change? Just a thought.
I CAN tell you that what she needs right now is SPACE. You are doing the right thing by not contacting her. I DO think you need a apologize for your contribution to the demise of the relationship, validate her feelings, agree with her that it's not going to work, then go dark.
By the book divorce remedy. Although you aren't married yet, it can still help your situation.
Oh, and welcome to DB.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Thank you Ms. Ladybug....during our long conversations the 2 days before the breakup, I did admit my contribution. Also, in order to improve myself and address my contribution, I have begun talking to a therapist. Amy knows this as well...
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Very good. Be patient. When was your last contact with her?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Over the past couple days I have received "business" emails with respect to separating things. I have responded with a very pleasant tone and attitude, answering her questions, no relationship talk, no pressure.
Today I received a text message asking "Did you change the phone plan?". This was because the provider sent us each a message saying the plan had been changed. I responded by texting "I called to get you on your own plan (this was her request)...all you need to do is call xxx-xxx-xxxx to finalize the transfer..." That was the last contact I had with her.
I just don't understand how within a week she got rid of me and her dogs of 10 years. It is almost like the wedding plans and stress made her snap and she is now ridding her life of all commitment and responsibility.
I know one thing for sure...I was the most stable thing she has ever had in her life and I was trying to help her accomplish her goals to get ahead in life. I am 32 and Amy is 34. She is still bar tending and has significant debt. I was good for her and am confident I would have helped her get her life on track...
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Maybe she doesn't want your help. All she's known is chaos, and therefore that is what makes her feel OK. All of a sudden she had to be grown up and responsible and that may have freaked her out. Just a thought.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Maybe she doesn't want your help. All she's known is chaos, and therefore that is what makes her feel OK. All of a sudden she had to be grown up and responsible and that may have freaked her out. Just a thought.
Very true...is there anything that I can do besides being patient and give her space? Is she done for good?
Nate
Last edited by nate75; 02/14/0801:13 AM.
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
You are now going to get a little advice from a 43 year old guy who works in NY, manages guys your age and has been through the mill. I am currently working on saving my second marriage - ugggh.
Here is the good news... YOU ARE NOT MARRIED!!! If you are having these kind of problems before the wedding, there is a good chance your marriage will be a disaster.
When one of my guys asks me if he should get married I tell him to examine the following:
1. Does she have a good relationship with her family?
If yes --- good - she will want that to continue with a family of her own. If not, be careful.
2. Does she drink heavily?
If yes -- not good. Be careful. When you have issues, which everyone does, she will hit the bottle.
3. Is she a "career" woman?
If yes -- be careful. This can create a lot of issues within the marriage once children arrive.
4. Is she a big spender?
If yes -- be careful. She may self-medicate via shopping sprees.
5. Is this the woman that you want to raise your children? Will she be a good role model for your children?
I am not being sexist, we can develop the same list for a man. These are things that you should consider before getting married.
ALSO.... NEVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN. Regardless of the situation, if she called the cops, you will get arrested.
I cannot tell you what to do, but you need to be very careful.
The two of you also need to start growing up. Stay out of the bars, it will only lead to trouble.
Give her space, take some time off, hang out with friends and then figure things out. If you go dark, she will most likely come back to you. You are probably the only stable thing in her life.
Thank you for the feedback Ms. Ladybug and Fish! I really appreciate it. I just second guess my plan sometimes. She broke up with me 9 days ago. I have gone totally dark. I have only responded to her 2 emails and 1 text message. My responses have been upbeat, polite and to the point. I have moved out without running into her to avoid any possible encounters.
Unfortunately, I don't know if I am in a good situation to turn her head. We have no contact so she does not have any opportunity to see me "act as if" or GAL. On top of that she still considers herself finished with me.
It boggles my mind that within one week we go from planning a wedding and looking at an apartment to breaking up! I know every situation is different, but how long does it usually take to start to see changes after going dark? Thanks.
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Sometime changes are noticeable rather quickly, other times it takes what seems like forever. You have to be patient and look for small things. Going dark is not a miracle worker. I have had to do it twice and am still working on trying to come out of it. Your acting As If and GAL will work for you while you are waiting. Once you start doing these things for you, she will notice when you least expect it.
