Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Wanted to change my screenname. Although feeling "uncertain" was how I felt at the time of registering on this site, it's not how I feel everyday.

Some thoughts now......

When H initiated the R talk last week, I got the impression that he still has doubts and is teetering again. He gets this "I'm scared, confused, and don't know what to do" look on his face. I've become very familiar with it. When this happens, I don't exactly know how to handle it. What do I do? Do I even say or do anything at all?

H has always been an individual who needs a lot of emotional support. Numerous times throughout our R, at H's request and sometimes not, I would hold and reassure him that everything would be alright, even when I was unsure myself.

Sometimes when we're on the phone, I can hear it in his voice. I'll ask him what's on his mind, and he'll reply with "the usual" or "I don't know...everything, I guess". I never know what to say, other than it could always be worse, and he should be happy that he's fortunate to have what he's got, and try remembering what goals he's achieved. I try to make him feel better about things.

Asking if he'd like to talk to someone, anyone, about it would be going down a cheeseless tunnel, so what can I do? I'd like to help, but it's seems almost impossible to help someone who doesn't want it.

Well anyway, I have decided to keep focusing on myself. Since H's talk of reconciliation several weeks ago, I went back to focusing on the R a little too much. I must stop doing this for my own well-being. I need to get back to where I was a couple of months ago. Going forward with my life.

I will remain open to the idea of reconciliation although I will not talk about it (I actually haven't - all R talks have begun with H), unless H initiates it. If he wants to work this out and stay M'ed, he's gotta move back home so we can actively work on the M together. It's been impossible to do so when he's living over there and I'm living over here. It's too easy for him to turn away at the slightest bit of turbulence when he doesn't have to live with us.

I'm going forward with the D as planned, unless H gives me solid proof that the M is what he really wants.

3 years is too long to be uncertain. I won't live with fear and doubt any longer.