Finding Supermom - #4

[JennyF]

All right, I'm a one woman pity party again.
S just left with H and I broke down after he left AGAIN.
I just typed out a long letter to H that I know I won't send...but I had to get if off my chest.
I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing in this DB towel and just letting him have it. Sending the letter and just letting him have it.

One thing is stopping me, IF there is even an ounce of hope to save this marriage, sending that note will not help and will make things worse. I don't want to do that.

My problem right now is that I know all the right things to do and say. I know what I have to do and what I shouldn't do.
I know I have to focus on me and make my plans to get on with my life. I know it all.
And if it wasn't for having a newborn and a 3 year old I may be able to do it all with a smile on my face. But I keep looking up at God and asking him WHY I deserve to lose my children for so much time? WHY IS THIS FAIR? It isn't fair, I know that.
I learned at a really young age that life is not fair and that we are all dealt the hand we get for a reason. I guess in some ways I felt since I didn't have the storybook childhood that I deserved to be happy as an adult.
I thought I'd found my happily ever after and I was going to make sure that my kids had the best life possible. WTF happened?
Why can't I stop looking for answers?? Why?

I seem to be up and down with my strength lately and it is all coinciding with having to let my kids go.
I know I need to keep myself busy, blah blah blah...but I have no money! I can't even take the yoga class I wanted to because I don't have enough money to do it.
I'm rambling now, but I'm feeling quite lost.

I HATE it that I'm typing another post like this. I don't want to constantly ramble on about the same stuff over and over...but I am REALLY having a hard time with this.
Again...the title of my thread seems to fit. I just have to find myself in all of this.
I'm working on it.
J~