I will get 1/2 of the equity in our home. Which we built 2 yrs ago and so there's not a lot of equity built up. We started building it AFTER he started his A (the A$$). He did say he'd keep me and S's in our home until S15 graduates (2 1/2 yrs). We will see about that one. He originally said until S15 graduated from college but within days it was graduation of HS and then on New Years Eve he said he wasn't giving me ANY money and that HE could afford the house and that I could move out. But, he is giving money for home & bills.
We live in a community property state so I will also get 1/2 of his 401K (which he has had for only 7 yrs.), stock options, etc. But, what ticks me off is that he is at his highest earning potential ever because of all the sacrifies the boys & I made to do without him thus allowing him to be places and events where higher ups would notice him and now H and OW will enjoy this earning potential.
Yea, $250 is a lot for a second opinion. The L retainer is $6K which I think is INSANE!!! And, I can ask for H to pay my L fees but he doesn't have to agree to anything except what he is LEGALLY required to. So, I am having to prepare for worse case scenario A/K/A I'm getting screwed.
So, I have to make sure that whereever by S's and I end up I can afford it on my salary only.
Just spoke to H. He needed me to refax papers (to the office in the town where OW lives) regarding our sale of investment property.
I probably didn't do good DBing but this is the jest of our convo.
I asked H if he had plans to do anything with S15 this weekend (he didn't do anything with S15 last weekend). He said No. I said I thought you needed to fix the boat so you and S15 could go on your fishing trip for his birthday. H got defensive and said he's tried and tried to get with S15 about fixing the boat and that H was going to take it to a shop for them to fix. I then said Ok, I know it's been some time since S15 has seen your mom and I'm sure he'd like to see her. Maybe you could take him this weekend to see her. (H is supposed to be staying with her when he's not at OW's.) To which H replied (not as defensive) that that wasn't in his plans right now for this weekend and could I please fax the papers to him. A/K/A I'm spending the weekend with OW and her kids working on her home and I don't have time for my S's.
I did maintain a pleasant voice. Maybe too pleasant.
I think you did just fine. Ask him stuff once about the kids and then drop it. It's his loss.
About the retainer, just because it's $6K doesn't mean that's what it will end up costing you. It's just a deposit. If you only run up $3K in fees, they refund the rest. And depending on the laws in your state, if he is the sole breadwinner he may be responsible for your legal fees, within reason.
Get a good lawyer. One that understands your position and does what YOU want.
That doesn't mean you want a divorce.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Soonerlady, L advice....make sure in your D papers that you have them put "Lifestyle use to and custom to". Also, most L will give you the 1st consult visit for free. Also, calling them for the 1st time is free. Remember H social security, retirement, investments, etc. Also, whatever you are cashing in....unless you really need the money, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T. You may get all of it....but if he can talk you into liquidating it, that's more money for H and OW.
Do not ask your H for anything. They look at this as persuing them and that will push them farther away. It is sad to say....but you and your S are H pain in the butt. You represent RESPONSIBILITY!!!! BALL AND CHAIN!!!! OW is exciting, adventurous, no responsibility. Your H is on vacation, he is FREE right now and hate to say this...but he LOVES it and loves this feeling. It's also a freeing of being BAD. Guys love that feeling. DO not ask him to fix anyting. Do not ask him if he is going to spend time with S. Do not ask him about finances. Do not ask him about the M, D or R with you, them, or OW. DETACH DETACH DETACH!!!!Treat him as a sales person or a parent of your S friend that you just met. Also, do not invite him to eat with you if you are cooking supper. And do not let him take a shower at your house. Let him know he is only a quest because of S. Think about it....would he let you take a shower at OW or his place? Would they invite you to stay for dinner?
If he brings up D or finances or M, or R....tell him you are not feeling very well and you will have to get back with him another time. Do not commit to a day or time. If he tells you to fax something, tell him it is not working or you were too busy to get to it. This takes the control out of his hands and brings things under your control.
Learn from my mistakes. I did all of the above. My H has been gone 5 months. He is the same today as he was the first day he left. He has never looked back. I take blame in that. I let emotions get in the way the few times I saw him. Now, he has cut all relationships with all of us. He has not contact with S or me.
I hate this. I want him back and love him with all my heart. My heart is so torn. H is so cold and distant. After 31 years how do you do that??? Now, all he wants is a D and the sooner the better. I have postponed it with one excuse after another. I know my rope is running out.
2ndnoah Married 24 years Dated 6 years H Filed D 3/5/08 Crushes my Heart! 2 teenage boys 15&19 Missing Him!
Around here L want $250 for a 1 time visit. They don't give anything away for free.
Good point about detaching. I need to make sure not to call him for anything. I did have to sign the paper and fax it to him so I couldn't get around that one.
He has a key to the house and comes and goes when he pleases. I don't want to change the locks because I'm afraid if I do that then he'll quit giving me money and I can't afford our home on my salary.
He used to come and shower after I'd left for work until they moved to his new office and he has a shower in his office so he doesn't do that anymore. I did remove his soap, shampoo, and towel from our bathroom. I also cleared the top of his vanity and night stand. I don't know if he's seen it but helps me not to have any of his reminders.
I haven't mentioned anything about our M, R or OW (I even called her by her name the last time we spoke) in about a month.
I did get an email from H yesterday wondering when S15 and I would be returning from our trip to my Dad's at Easter time. I believe he could have waited a few weeks to ask me that one. I think he was just thinking about me and wanted some sort of contact with me yesterday. Maybe I'm just reaching here or just wishful thinking. I just emailed a reply to him of I'm not sure yet.
I think him calling you about Easter is a baby step like the DB book says. Look for the small stuff. I wish my H would just do one thing in that direction. Instead, he is running the opposite way. After 31 years, he has just left and has never turned back. Here the Divorce laws say if you have minor children you must go to a Divorce parenting class. He has already gone to it and back 3 weeks ago. I just cannot believe it. I hate this. He told me he had a V-day weekend planned. I believe he and his bi+ch went to the Daytona 500 if I was guessing. Last week he could not wait to get his belongs as well as a list of things he wants out of the house and barn, but then all of a sudden, he emailed me saying.....you know the weather is going to be bad this weekend why don't you pick a day out next week for me to come and get that stuff. Th email was really wordy and sweet. He is a man of little words and especially in emails. It was not from my H, I know his bi+ch had to have told him what to say. I hate this. I wonder.....does DB really work or is it just a way for us to working through finally acceptance of failure. I am so confused at his point. It's been a very, very hard weekend. I am at my wits end as to what to do. I know my rope is almost at its end in him filing for D. I just am so tired of always walking on glass in how and what words I say and decisions I make. I just want him to come home. My boys are crushed, I am crushed, My life as we knew it is crushed. H did not even call my S15&19 to wish them happy V-day and that he loved them. That was so hard. I just do not understand. I have prayed night and day for God to make him miserable in his sin and to allow him to realize what is right. I have done this for 5 months. Nothing. My heart is broken! It is just broken!
2ndnoah Married 24 years Dated 6 years H Filed D 3/5/08 Crushes my Heart! 2 teenage boys 15&19 Missing Him!
I think I am loosing my mind. I am becoming a crazy person. I cannot make my own decisions and doubt the decisions I do make. This is not me. I am not this kind of person. I think I need drugs. Am I alone in this feeling or does anyone else feel this way?
2ndnoah Married 24 years Dated 6 years H Filed D 3/5/08 Crushes my Heart! 2 teenage boys 15&19 Missing Him!
You're not alone!! I'm right there with you. I've only been at this 3 months but it feels like an eternity. Maybe you should see about getting some meds. There is no shame in this at all. We have to be strong for our boys 2nd and if that means taking some meds then so be it.
Regarding his email. Don't assume it was your H's OW. Maybe it was him. Maybe he's trying to reach out and be sweet because he is realizing the hurt that he's caused you and the boys.
I know what you mean about being at the end of your rope. But tie a knot in it and hold on honey.
I've been so furious that my H is fixing up OW home (using our money for this too!!!). I wonder if they could put themselves in our shoes and see and feel how we feel? I asked him if he was going to spend some time with S15, take him to see H's mom, etc. and H said that it wasn't in his plans for this weekend! I'm sure he enjoyed himself with OW and her kids. His loss. S15 and I had a great time yesterday at the park with his girlfriend & her little brother (my friends children).
S19 said he was having lunch with H. He said last week he asked about me. I don't know if S19 was trying to be sweet and make me feel better or what. But I hope it's true.
I had to call H today because my dentist called saying that my claim had been denied because I wasn't covered. I had to call H to see if he'd removed me from the insurance (he didn't). But, I was very proud of myself and was calm and sweet during the convo! YEA ME!!
2nd - be strong. I read somewhere on here that for every year you've been married that it takes 1 month for MLC. Holy crap that means 20 months for me and 24 months for you! But, look at the positive side I only have 17 months left and you only have 19! 2nd - We can do this!!
Think of some things we've done in the past that has taken time. We both have 2 boys, so we were pregnant for 18 months and look at what we got out of that. We each have 2 wonderful boys! Remember how the time flew by when we were pregnant? Keep yourself busy with your GAL goals. I've been working on mine - been exercising for 1 month and I've lost 8 lbs but I've lost 11 1/4"!! I'm getting some lovely complements. I even had a guy tell me today that I didn't look 42 that I looked 32! Gotta love him. Made my day.
2nd - We can do this!! We are both very strong, independent women. Granted we are probably seriously lacking in patiences and that I believe should be one of our GAL goals. To become more patient. My dad used to have some old joke that I can only remember the punchline . . . patiences jacka$$, patiences. Every now and then I will say it to myself when I don't things are moving fast enough for my liking.
