Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[seekpeaceofmind]

I really don't know what actions to suggest. For me, I have very little contact with H and so there is little for me to "do" in relation to him. My main thing has been to learn about letting go and also about patience - not my strong suit. But, I read over and over on this board that the people/marriages going through this kind of crisis do not heal quickly - you are still very early in your crisis and the main thing you may need to do is not expect anything while your H goes through his own process and to expect that to take months, not weeks. For me, it has been less about "doing" and more about "being" - if that makes any sense. I have done GAL things to improve my own quality of life - mostly they are things that I let slide or failed to make a priority. But, my real focus is on my personal growth b/c I don't want to go through all this without learning something from it. . . . And, that is something that I didn't pay enough attention to in M.

If you enjoy the time spent with friends and it boosts your PMA, then that is a strength for you to continue. Maybe you don't need to do more of it, just be in that moment with friends and really enjoy that time and those people. The same with your work. You've mentioned that you've had a hard time concentrating on work, but maybe you can train yourself to use that time as your salvation and opportunity for emotional distance. I had the same problem - for a few months, I was never really confident if I was going to burst into tears in the office or not. But, gradually, it became a place where I could put my M thoughts aside and focus on being a competent, successful professional. I haven't really liked this job since I started it 3 years ago, but now I have a whole new attitude about it! If you freelance, does that mean you work alone or from home? Is there a way that you can shake it up so that you can get more from your work hours?

As much as it hurt for my H to move out, it would be very hard to still be under the same roof if he had continued with his emotional withdrawal. It was so awful. Worst of all for me was seeing how much pain he was in and realizing that it was b/c our M was not a source of strength, satisfaction or anything positive for him. It may be that your fresh hurt is from seeing that you really can't change or wake him up and that this is something that you have to go through b/c you can't go around it or stop it. I only say this b/c I experienced something similar - I latched onto these ideas from DB that I could "do" something to change our sitch and I set to work (in my very limited fashion) and looked for improvements on my timetable. Nothing. I caused my own setback because I thought, well he must be missing me by now, he must see how much I care, he must agree that we can make things better, etc. I think I had an idea in my head that he would come around b/c I wanted him to and I was ready to get on with the business of reconciliation. When that didn't happen and I saw that this really would be a long-term change in my life, I felt like I did in the early days of our crisis.

I read some posts on here that suggested that each "low" experienced by the LBS leads to further detachment. That gave me something to look forward to! I would tell myself, this is a cycle, and I won't feel this way much longer - not in so many words, but that was the gist of it. . . .