I actually put a lot of thought into having 5D hand deliver but just unrealistic with 5D with me today through Friday. Postmaster said it would be there today. So, a day early...perfect, she has to work late on v-day and wouldn't see it until very late otherwise..
Sounds good jmw! I did something similar - took a nice box of See's chocolates to school today addressed to D11+S7 and handed it to D11 at school because they'll be with W till Friday.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Well I got a response, as brief as possible, she called and left voice mail from her home phone at 7:30 to tell me 5D did not have school Friday and wanted to make sure I knew and what I was doing, "let me know". I was busy doing HW with 5D and really just didn't want to take the call them because I guess I was nervous. Besides good DB to wait and not be so available
At 8:30, I decide to return the call instead of a text message. I started by saying I had taken the day off and was taking 5D roller-skating and to the circus and stated we were doing HW and 5D class valentines and had muted phones and paused American Idol. I was starting to ramble a bit but then got my head on straight and heard a funny noise on her end and said, "what's that noise."
WAW says she is sanding the bathtub because of the person installing the tile on the walls just made a mess in the tub and ruined the porcelin. Slight 180 for me by saying, "I am so sorry, I don't even know what to do about that". She has said before I am so perfect and know everything. Anyhow, she said they make a kit for it. She then said, "you know how he 1/2 does stuff, he was in there shoveling the stuff out of the tub." she was definitely irked about that situation. I said "oh no, you still have to go to your grandmothers to bath now because of the tub." And she said "yeah, I didn't even want this, I came home one day to mother and 3 dudes working in the bathroom. Don't get me wrong I like it, it's ok, but" Then I said, "and they caught you during your busy week" And she was like "yeah, you just don't know how tired I was and wanting to just crawl in the bed at 9:30 and have 3 people in your bathroom until 11:30." I said I am so sorry.
Then, the unexpected...she said,"I got 5D's card today" in a voice that was definitely positive. Very surprised she acknowledged it and it caught me but I quickly said, "5D picked it out all by herself and I wish she was still up so you could talk to her." She said well she has been sick so that's good. Then I got a beep and we abruptly got off the phone. In retrospect, this was a good beep and time to get off because I was enjoying the conversation to much and it might have lasted too long otherwise.
It was really nice to find out that perhaps some of her mood may just be because of this bathroom mess. Also, it taught me that it's a bit arrogant to think that everytime she sees me that her mood is either positive or negative because of my presence. I just need to continue to be consistent and to not rock the boat. She has a busy week next week and I need to leave her alone unless she initiates contact...Regardless, very positive conversation...patience and consistency...
Looking forward to picking up 5D today, took off work tomorrow because 5D school staff development. Take my own advice...just spend time with 5D, skate, circus, just going to have a good time.
I really don't understand because I could just be a mess today but I feel so incredibly good and happy. I know it has a lot to do with my changes, 180's, reading hope for separated, 5LL's, listening to KLA, and the love of 5D. But it is almost more than that...maybe it's just over-confidence that WAW will change her tune.
Maybe it's just the way I feel, whatever word, whatever the action no matter if she tells me it's over again or I am done again or ilybnilwy again or D papers talk again. No matter how she cuts me down, knock me off my rocker, hits me with the frying pan or breaks, stabs, crushes, or stomps my heart to a pulp...I will still love her more.
Maybe it's just this inner-peace I feel...I know I am going to be ok, regardless...
Wednesday, I was upbeat because of the lame reason for WAW's phone call followed by very positive conversation where WAW shared her bathroom issues and acknowledged getting 5D's valentine day card.
No contact since. Dropped off 5D this morning, Saturday. I had decided that I would offer to take the scrap from the bathroom project to the junkyard by saying I had to go anyhow, if that is something you would like. Well, unexpectedly, she says she didn't know if that is something needed and she would just rather me get my stuff that she had piled over and pointed. Yuck. Then she commented about 5D clothes and I asked about sizes because I had gone and nothing seemed to fit. Church shoes, etc...then back on my stuff and she and her brother might get a truck and put in my carport...yucko x 2. I said, "I am not going to be around to do that. you just don't get it, most of that stuff I just want to yard sale or burn. I am just not the person anymore. I have absolutely no desire to do those things." She said,"well" and I felt like this was going to be a divorce paper topic...so as she said "well" I turned and skipped on down the porch steps like I was the happiest man on earth...
It was the first time I felt that no matter what, she might be done as she has said before. I do not understand with such simple problems in our M. I just do not accept it. I hate this wishy-washiness when she warps my mind with 'tea-leave' positives. Read more and pray a lot. The Lord is the only one. He gives me strength.
Just because of some stinking rain, I speak and offer and act of kindness and then I get hit with moving my other unimportant stuff. Now, I have to validate her feelings of moving it and break "structured darkness" again...It's contradictory but although it hurts, she cannot hurt me anymore...
Any input would be greatly appreciated...thanks again...
Forgot to mention that I text message my sister...call if u can then accidentally sent to WAW so I had to send another "about times" for my stuff to correct my first text. So, she text a message back and so I had to call to respond.
I said that if rain slacked I would come today to get the horrible reminders out of her hair. I then said that you have to know that most of that stuff I do not want. I'll take it and burn it at my convenience. Desk, chess books, whatever...desk of 5D's is mommas but I do not care about it. I don't have internet so maybe you should just keep her computer for now. She said it is making bad noise. I said yeah it's the fan and only solution is to replace or beat it to get it back on plane.
I did make mention of donating chess stuff but I hate to have someone turn into what I was. She said something that hurt deeply, "most people aren't like that." And she said it with that done and I don't accept that attitude. I said yeah you are right I should just donate it to 5D's school.
I did say that you just don't understand, "I am not that person anymore. I have no desire for that. I am so much happier now. I lost my soul and it destroyed me. Even said on a good day I was irked and a bad day I was just angry. But, the Lord has forgiven me and gives me strength to not be like that again." And she said "good" in a great I am happy for you, but I care manner. Reiterated possible times and I need to go. We basically got off the phone simultaneously.
at least no D-paper talk.
Lord give me the strength, wisdom, and courage to continue the fight. Lord give her the strength to find the wisdom and the courage to see me now. To remove the thorns of evil that are destroying our family and to want the glory of the love at our fingertips.
Well, after my Dad said I might have 5 or 7 years left I blundered my DBing and called upset. I asked if anything WAW needed for me to bring for 5D for church tomorrow but it was obvious I was upset and she asked about it. Parents drink way to much and I do not give 5D time with them because of it. Oddly, she asked, "what would she(implying 5D) be missing." I said, "thank you, you are right, I shouldn't have called." But I was a bumbling mess...I love her to much to talk to her...
I sent a text message later saying,"Thank you so much. You are so right. She won't miss much". Probably a mistake I will see Sunday morning when I pickup 5D.
She is so stubborn. Strong as an ox. Argh... I love her so...pray more...stick to my goals better.
argh....i feel like i am blowing what nothing chance i have...next check first thing I will do is prioritize DB coach...It's simple..........I love her, no matter what. I gotta do better.
5D church Sunday pickup --- play with dog if necessary ---avoid WAW contact if at all possible... 5D church Sunday drop back off...just drive off --- no biggie...
5D pickup from school Monday --- royal problem if WAW calls about it...it's like you are playing on the fence. I want to make life easy for WAW but if D is the option then I will pickup 5D when she cannot forever and always. My 5D is the most important thing on this earth. And so WAW work is not going to muck that up. However it does make it a mess when hoping to reconcile.
Drop-off Monday after WAW arrives home -- no biggie...just drive off, probably around 5pm.
5D pick-up Monday at 7pm per schedule - yuck o--- no telling what will happen...no acknowledgment of the schedule of convenience for WAW. whatever. just a mess yet again.
