Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

I have read DRand DB and I started with some goals and 180s--stopped crying, stopped asking H to go out on dates, went out more with friends, acted as if, stopped emailing him or calling him, got more work (I freelance), surprised him by not assuming he would join us for family events, came home late a few times and didn't call, etc.

I have made these changes and I will continue them (yes, I backslide from time to time), but I can't think of anything else to do--I've used up most of my options! I really was feeling better and stronger and me-focused for a while but now I am feeling in more pain and agony than ever. I feel like I am just coming apart at the seams; still, around H I am pretty cool and collected and friendly and as-iffy. I had that one crying episode, but that was an anomaly.

People say "take a class, start a hobby, call a DB coach," but we are financially strapped at the moment and I can't do anything I feel like. Most of my days are consumed with working and caring for my kids--though, as I mentioned, I go out with friends in the evenings regularly.

I'm not sure where to go from here, DB-wise, or how to experiment and monitor results. The results are the same no matter what I do--H is absent. I wish I had more control over making myself feel stronger, but the fact that H is in the same place as he was makes me feel more hopeless than ever. I feel like a hole has been burned through me.

I welcome advice on how to do 180s or DB more effectively--but please don't tell me to pursue a class or hobby!!