Option 2 restated - I understand this is what you want. I've research it legally, spiritually, and personally. I take our vows very seriously. I cannot give you documents stating otherwise. I too do not want the marriage from the past. You gave me the greatest gift of all, time. I know I was not the best husband I can be. The positive changes in my life gives me the greatest of happiness and new found excitement for the future full of hopes, dreams, and a special life. So, I just do not feel we have any problem that is insurmountable. I cannot commit our souls to eternal damnation. Through sickness and health, richer or poorer, during good times and bad, we saw the worst. We are now poised for the fruits of our troubled times. The greatest happiest and most special of times are at our finger tips.
Probably too much - but after an email like this in a couple weeks or just stating when she brought it up again, I would never hear lawyer talk again and any positive interaction could be thought of in this vain, instead of clinging to a hope that she was changing her mind over some trivial conversation.
jmw128, I think option 2 is going to push her further away since it comes across at guilt tripping and pursuing. Option 1 comes across as "game playing"; it would be "acting as-if" only if you were honestly ready to accept D. Option 3 is "passive" if you do not make the best use of your separation - detach lovingly, GAL, self-improvement, 180's, prepare or the legal and financial side of D, go to C for yourself, etc. - let W act on the D if she's so inclined you can say you are thinking it over or something non-commital since that's actually the case. I understand its frustrating and open-ended but the pluses so far for you is the "not no-fault state", D is not filed yet, your separation gives you both space and time to work/heal.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Thanks so much fb2...I agree it's option 3. Something very short and simple. Like I am thinking about it. She won't be receptive to option 2, that is what I, not what she wants at this moment, and option 1 is just silly because it isn't what I want.
I have to believe in the goals stated on page8 and adhere to them. I called WAW yesterday based on the positive 5 minute conversation about her stressful week ahead. Of course, she didn't answer but then returned the call immediately. It was short. I said "hey" and she followed with "what, I am really busy" in that gruf I don't have time to talk manner. I said, "5D is really in a good mood and thought you would like to talk with her". She said, "ok" and spoke to 5D. Total time was 1 minute 31 seconds. Just leave her alone I say to myself.
I feel her work must slow for her to open her mind to us. Thus, I still need to believe in my goals and leave her alone.
Thanks so much [b]bf2[/bf2]...I really appreciate it.
Odd weekend...in brief, 5D exchange Saturday was done where we passed each other down a country road. I didn't say much except that 5D still has her cough and she got a runny nose when we were at the zoo. Threw that zoo thing in there...WAW had to work and I got extra time with 5D so that might be why WAW just didn't talk.
Sunday morning pickup...I had already decided I was going to play with dog in yard if 5D was not ready. But she was ready. So, I promptly picked her up and was leaving when I made a joke to 5D about cat in our path. WAW brought up a cat that came home yesterday after leaving prior to our separation. Basically WAW initiated lingering. She shared her work and I validated and understood. She continued talking about it because of my "you are staying busy?" query. As leaving she asked 5D to give grandparents hugs/kisses. I went back to porch and told her grandmothers health. She then asked about my Dad's health. I told her 10 good years at most. She said she was sorry to hear that. As I was half way to truck, I said, "it was thinking in 10 years, your grandmother, my grandmother, aunt, dad, probably my mom, my other grandparents...just everyone I've ever cared about." and I got in the truck and left. Very positive but odd conversation because of the multitude of topics.
Last monday I picked up 5D from school and this prompted my WAW to call and we had a very positive conversation where she shared about her stressful week and pile of work to do. This monday I picked 5D up and she, in brief, said we haven't been doing that. Completely different reaction for the same thing. But, I did a great job of biting tongue and changing conversation by saying I got 5D valentines(180 for me) for 5D's class. WAW has even lost schedule, she didn't even know if she was keeping 5D next day...not the 1st time she has asked a question like that.
5D picked out valentine, with scooby doo on it, for WAW. Going to have her address it and send it. I have 5D this day.
I really think WAW is seeing the life she has choosen. I believe she is seeing me as a new person, jealous of the time I spend with 5D, and really CONFUSED. Her roller-coaster is full of hills and valleys. But I am detaching well from the sitch. I believe that is what is meant by in sickness and in health. To give her the space to heal. This is a journey she must take for herself. Hopefully, I will be there ready when she reaches the end.
Bought Hope for the Separated and the 5 Love Languages both by Chapman and relistening to KLA. Really helped me a lot this weekend. I know I am doing what is best. "structured darkness" I think that it is helping.
Thanks fb2, it's really nice to hear someone give some positive feedback. And you are right I need to be very patient. Extremely difficult.
Odd mood this morning, I think it is in part because of me having a hard time measuring the success of my goals because my WAW is giving me different reactions to identical situations. Such as pickup 5D on Mondays. Last Monday very positive and sharing work stress and how long she was going to be, my offer to do 5D hw, dinner, get ready for bed then bring to her. This Monday reaction of I am here to get her and she is not here. Just odd.
Or, last night WAW calls asking when I was going to bring her 5D after dance class. It has been the same time for the last 5 weeks. I just said she will be done in about 5 minutes. But it is difficult to measure. Unless this is a very small positive of wanting to talk to me. She did go to town between this call and my dropoff of 5D but never mentioned it until I dropped off. Of course, I left promptly, told her about 5D medicine, clothes for tomorrow and gave her another schedule and left...no sense in talking about that schedule or anything potentially negative.
Read more of Hope for the separated...good book...
Need feedback about something...5D picked out a Scooby Doo Valentine for WAW. She made hearts in it, ILU's, wrote her name, and addressed the envelope. I wrote nothing. But I definitely had to buy it, postage, etc...is this going to be a really bad idea. I suppose it could be thought of as manipulating/using 5D. Wasn't the intention but...
Thoughts?
I can still not send it if this is a horrible idea. I thought it was something 5D should do for her mother, similar to x-mas. But she will know I was thinking of her.
I don't think it's a bad idea. In fact, I don't see anything wrong with it. All you did was enable your D to show your W that she loves her. I think that you should send it. It shows more that you care about your D than it looks pursuing. That's my take on it.
B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
In fact, I don't see anything wrong with it. All you did was enable your D to show your W that she loves her.
I guess I doubted myself after showing someone a pic of how cute my 5D addressed the envelope. Said manipulating blah blah...
It does not matter the topic, it can be thought of negatively or positively and that choice is my WAW. I just need to continue to be consistent in my actions. So, WAW will view whatever I do in a positive light. Actually, my 180's have effected me so much that it is just me now. It is not even difficult.
jmw, Looks like a good idea because it establishes a good connection with W. If you wanted it to look squeaky clean maybe 5D could take it over instead of mailing it if that's at all possible without going out of your way.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
