Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

H took S13 to karate last night. When he got home I asked if he was going tonight also and he said yes and that his dad said he would pick him up on Friday after school and also on Sunday after church if we didn't have plans. I sent text to H asking what was going on since we had a schedule for him to have S13 every other Fri 630p-1030p and that was it and he agreed to that schedule. H called me back and said that he wanted more time with S13 and as long as we didn't have plans and he's off work this weekend he'd like the time. I told him that was fine and he asked if we could sit down together sometime soon to talk over some settlements without the L's. Well.....that made me really sad and I couldn't hold back the crying. I was trying really hard but just couldn't do it. As I stood in the lobby of my office trying to maintain I felt all these questions bubbling up in me and had to ask him why he was in such a darned rush to get rid of me. Yeah, not the way to put it but that's how it feels. He filed so fast that my head is still spinning. He said he's not trying to get rid of me.....huh? He says that the reason he left is because we never talked (um...hello? He NEVER has been a talker and all of a sudden this is his concern?) and I spent my weekends watching football (ok, I did that while I was taking care of everything else in the house not like I was sitting on the actual couch doing nothing). He spent all day in bed when he was home watching TV and never interacting with us. It's all about what I didn't do of course.....never about his failings. He is just so calm and happy about throwing me away. I'm so tired of feeling like garbage.

I told him again that I do not want a D, that I don't believe in it and I will never accept it truly in my heart no matter what it says on paper. I didn't expect any reaction from him to that statement and I didn't get one. All he kept saying besides that "all I did was watch football all weekend" (ok, that's a few months out of the year - explain the rest of the year) is that he didn't want to hear me crying. TOO BAD! If it makes you feel bad - tough.

I'm trying to figure out something to do Friday night while H has S13. I don't have any friends who aren't coupled so I don't have anyone to go out anywhere with. I live in suburban hell - VERY few single people in this area who aren't under 30 and no social activities here. I have to get out of the house but do what? Sit like a lump in a bookstore and read? How is that GAL? That's no life - I can do that at home. I don't even know how to have fun anymore. There is no fun, only misery. I guarantee you that if it weren't for my son I would be in an even darker place than I am right now (or not here at all) so I thank God for him every day. He's my anchor to some sanity.

Ok, so I'm obviously having a SERIOUSLY bad day after talking to H. It's also cloudy and cold outside today (35 degrees after it was 67 yesterday) so that doesn't help.

Anyone have any ideas for activities for loners or just something really funny they heard recently? I need something to help perk me up a little.