I feel like I'm spinning out of control

[KPK]

My H has found a place to live, and will probably be moving in the next month. He is still being generous in his support (i.e. based on our income discrepancies he'll be paying 80% of the bills to keep this house), and nice. The thing is he cannot understand why, every time he brings up the apartment, moving his stuff etc... I get (subtly) upset (I cry when I'm alone). He can see it by the expression on my face. He really, really doesn't understand how tis is affecting me, and how it will affect the kids. He is mystified why this move is bothering me- I knew it was coming, and it's my fault he's leaving, right, so why is it bothering me. OH MY GOD!!! I have really been trying to understand where he's coming from, but I just can't- how can he NOT understand- he's walking out on me and our family. Is this normal?!? It's like he's got no emotions at all.

Some days I feel great- happy, like I can conquer this, like I'm totally distant from him and his problems. I have plans to do new things for myself, be a better mother, etc... Then the next day I just want to sit and cry. And I keep cycling back and forth. I feel like I'm insane, and I don't know how to keep going.


Living in MLC Misery Part 2

[mishka422]

KPK - I have been wondering where you have been.

You will never understand where he is coming from so stop trying to. You will only keep hurting yourself and spinning out of control like you said. He is living in his own reality and in that you and the kids really have no part.

Have you considered IC or a support group? I have found both amazing comforting and, well, therapeutic. He is on his own in this and so you must be also. Take this time to grow for yourself and your kids. Spend as much time as possible doing small things for yourself (and I do mean for YOURSELF - not you and the kids.) You need time away from them in order to get yourself straightened out. Don't feel guilty about that. I know they are young but a strong, healthy, stable mom is much more important in the long run than losing a little time with them.

What are your hobbies? What do you like to do outside of your family and marriage? If you don't know, find out! Make sure that you do at least one thing each week where you can be around other people who share your interest. Join a civic group, a club, a bible study - anything you can to give yourself time.

I don't know how spiritual you are, but I can honestly say that this crisis has brought me to God in a way I never imagined in my life. I've been a Christian all my life but had fallen away for a long time. I'm now back in His arms and He has brought me joy and peace. Prayer is an amazing comfort to a wounded soul.

Know that we are all here for you. Keep posting and let us know what is going on. (((((KPK))))))

[KPK]

Hi Mishka,

Thanks for the response. My computer somehow got infected with several nasty viruses and had to go to the "computer hospital", so I've been without my laptop for over a week- it's been torture.

Thanks for the advice- I absolutely know you're right. And I am starting to make a list of all the things that interest me, and that I want to get back to. For instance, I use to take violin lessons several years ago, and I'm starting again this week. So, I'm working on it. It's just the absolute lack of understanding on his part why I am upset about this separation- he REALLY, REALLY doesn't understand. I cannot fathom it, and it just makes me more sad. I do have to stop trying to figure him out, it won't work. I also need to seek some IC- haven't done it yet, but I definitely need to. It's just this cycling of emotions that's getting to me. One day I'm totally happy, ready to move on, the next I'm a mess. Right now he's out "doing things"- he's actually moving furniture into the new place he's renting (it's a friend's house, and all the furniture was in storage and has just come out). So, I'm sad, and when I get sad I get tired and lethargic, which doesn't help anything. Ugh. And I'm also trying to reconnect with my spiritual side- I think it would help.

He really thinks we're going to be best buddies after he leaves, and that he'll be here all the time to be with the kids. I guess I have it better than many, whose S walks, leaving them totally alone and financially a mess. He's being nice, friendly and generous, so I should be thankful, which I am. It just hurts me that this doesn't seem to be hurting him, and that I cannot picture my future without him.

I suppose that's why they say this whole thing is a rollercoaster

I haven't caught up on your thread yet, but will do it now. I hope all is well.

(((Mishka)))

[brandnewday]

(((KPK)))

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

MLC sucks but you can do things for you and the kids to help survive the rollercoaster ride.

You actually sound pretty good for a newbie!

Taking up the violin again is absolutely fantastic, it will not only be a wonderful thing for yourself but it will also be a great distraction.

For now, I am sorry to say, there really are no real answers.

This is your Husband's crisis and unfortunately you and the kids are along for the ride.

You have to keep doing things for you, a little bit each day.

Whether it is taking a walk, or meeting with a friend for coffee.

The length of a MLC varies, but there are some here that have had to go through MLCBS for several years.

My best advice for you is to learn how to be still. To learn how to listen to what he is saying and not react. To relearn how to be his friend again.

Friendship is the basis for any good Marriage, so it is time to get back to basics.

What is different about you now compared to the woman you were when you first met?

How have you changed?

What would you need to change to go back to that place?

You may notice that my questions are about you,and keeping the focus on you. I am not blaming you for the demise of your Marriage, but each of us here had something to do with the problems.

And I have learned that changes have to begin with one person, and as you are the sane one, you get to go first


P.S.
Don't forget to breathe!!!

(((((((Hugs)))))))

[KPK]

Thanks BND. I've totally owned my issues that have gotten us here (mainly sex drive issues, which he didn't mention were that bad until he decided he may have to leave), and offered to try to change things, but he says he just isn't attracted to me anymore, doesn't think he's in love with me anymore. We are still friends, basically it's what we've been for the last several months. There have been some contentious times, but overall ok. He's being very generous. The issues are a) he takes no responsibility at all for what's going on or where our marriage has ended up (it's all my fault), no big change there, b) I don't want to be just friends, but I'm afraid if I keep giving him the level of friendship he currently has and wants, he'll get what he's thinking about- a good friend in me, a divorce, and the ability to just do what he wants to do. I want him to miss me when he leaves- if I keep acting like his good friend, how can that happen? and c) my completely unpredictable emotions, which I have to get a handle on. Right now we're in the process of drafting a trial separation agreement (how much he pays, who gets the kids and when, etc...) so it's definitely rollercoaster time for me. Right now, the way he wants visitation, I'll be seeing him at least 4 days a week, and on some days 6. Great for the kids, which are my primary concern, but bad for me, and for him learning how to miss me.

Ugh.

[mishka422]

(((((KPK)))))

Trust me, if you can maintain calm and remain friends then things will go much easier for you and your kids. I am not able to have a civil word with my H right now because my anger comes out in nearly everything I say. He is totally calm and fine with destroying our family and I can't bear it.

Just know, that in time things can change if you keep DBing. Stay focused on your goal - restoring your marriage. Friendly separation is ok but make sure you don't share too much of what is going on in your life with him. Be aloof.

[sgctxok]

You've gotten great advice.

[KPK]

Thanks all. I know I have it a lot better than most here, so I'm grateful for that. I shouldn't be complaining.
I just need to take lots of deep breaths.

[brandnewday]

Can you try to look at this separation agreement as a business arangement?

Try and have no emotion behind it.

Try and remember that many of the things he will say to you are said in anger, just validate and stay calm.

Remember this is temporary, this is between the two of you, not a judge.

I remember when my Husband dragged me off to see a Mediator.

I felt that this was the end, but I was given fantastic advice by Snodderly and my therapist and was told the very same thing I am telling you.

Do you have a therapist? Maybe seeing someone to help you with your unpredictable emotions may help you. I had to take an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication to help me get through the first year.

There is nothing wrong with taking meds to help you to get through this difficult adjustment period.

One more thing, and I want you to understand I am not talking out of my arse, but when your Husband moves out, you will have a chance to actually work on yourself properly.

[KPK]

Thanks BND. Am trying to see this as business only, as you suggested. He's just thrown a monkey wrench into things this morning- we had originally agreed I'd have sole physical custody, he'd have very flexible visitation, and we'd have joint legal custody. Well, apparently he's done some research and doesn't like the "power" sole physical custody would give me. I'm not happy he's gone back on our agreement, and I think this could be a big problem. We'll definitely be discussing this tonight.