Battlefield of the mind

[appleroad]

Cat, I hope you are feeling better today. I think you are doing better than what you realize -- and I've BTDT twice with 2 husbands, so trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

I don't think you lost any ground by calling OW. What you did was, you got in close enough to the enemy to feel her out, to see what she was made of -- look at this as a kind of reconnaisance operation in wartime. You took a few flesh wounds to get the intelligence. But now that you've got what you wanted there's no need to go back.

Ah, Cat. Reflect back on the title you chose for this thread: Battlefield of the Mind. You were right on there. The thing to keep in your mind is that you are very likely to win the battle for your marriage. There are a lot of divorces in this country, and most of them are filed by women -- by wives who have given up on their marriages for one reason or another. It is simply a matter of hanging in there no matter what. And not being attached to the form of the marriage or the image of H that you initially started with, because for sure these will change, as everything inevitably does. And change is not always a bad thing. Just because you cannot imagine now how you can possibly be happy and fulfilled in the future is nothing more than a failure of the imagination. So hang in there, Cat, and work on finding ways to control or limit panic attacks when they come up.



[quote=cat03

We had a written agreement that during the S we wouldnt' date

-- Cat, this is important. The agreement exists and H is not honoring it. There's nothing you need to do about this. H knows it exists and he is not honoring it. That is enough. Leave him to work out his own deal with the Hound of Heaven!

i didn't want him to think he could fool me.

-- No need to worry about this! He knows bloody well he can't fool you!

I was angry that ow was going to win

-- This is a no-win situation for OW. So don't disturb your inner tranquillity with anger for such a loser. Save your anger for more important things.

nothing I do will make him do anything (I keep forgetting that).

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-- Right. You can't make anyone else do anything. But on the other hand, you can certainly give him a lead with your own example. He will either follow you or he won't. I think he'll end up following you, Cat.

I actually was holding to some hope for a bit before tonight

-- I'm still seeing plenty of cause for hope.

this lunatic still wants to play casanova and I dont want to put myself out there for him to hurt me. I must go dark

-- Yes. yes, yes, yes....

we had plans to do something this weekend (is not his weekend w/kids) but I don't know how can I even look at his face now.

-- So tell him that, in one sentence. And follow through with calmness and confidence. Don't worry, he'll be back!

If this goes south, I know I will be ok, but what if this ow is near my children? that thought alone terrorizes me.

-- These are the kind of thoughts to stay away from. For a religious person, entertaining such thoughts is tantamount to the sin of pride. Cat, you have put yourself in the hands of the Lord. So allow the Lord to provide, OK?

Pray for me, I'm trying to put all my faith in God right now, I need His strenght badly.

-- I will send up a prayer for you, Cat. My prayer will be that you learn to recognize your own strength.
[/quote]

[cat03]

thanks for your words guys))))))))))))))))))

There is only one word to described what I did: clusterfcuk

I screwed up bit time. H called me this am talking normal, (he still has no phone & calling from payphone), his mom told him to call me (I was talking to her last night). He had been on the road stuck the entire time, he had no plans to see ow and the card I found he said he drew it because he was feeling bad and still has feelings for her, that he hasnt' talked to her since 2 weeks ago and anyways that phone is disconnected now (I called). That there is no way in hell they could ever pick up where they left off, that it was impossible.

I jumped to conclusions, called ow and told her things I shouldnt' have (about the letter from her I found, about him doctoring a lawyer's letter, stuff that she could use to get back at him). She truly is a snake, she talked as if indeed they were meeting, I thougth it odd they hadn't met yet as it was 9pm and she sounded like she was still on the train, she led me on, I told her he was on his way (I wonder if she waited for him). So I muddled the waters and maybe gave her ammo for her to go his job and set a complaint (also against me for "harrasing" her).

H was pissed that I looked into his computer, told me that I promised not to talk to her nor snooped & that I did it again. That he was actually trying to do something nice (got candy for all of us and flowers for me last night) and that it blew on his face. That his C was prob right, that he shouldn't be "leading me on" since things within himself are not alright and that we could still not end up together.
That I was putting him in a little box and keeping tabs and pushing him and not letting him think and give him space like I said I was. In a ways I was doing that, my desperation seeping in the need to know where he was, my BS radar on full.

Well, I might've made ow even madder and she might do something to screw up H or contact him.

I told H that I also get to screw up from time to time. Yes, I believe what he said, he was disappointed and said we should prob talk only about the kids from now on and keep it at that (I said that at the beginning of our convo when he first called). He said it twice, don't know if he will keep to that. We dont' "have" to see each other until next monday, I'm not expecting him to call.
Yes, I screwed up and reminded him that he too, has lost his head before and made rash decisions and that that's exactly what happened to me this time around.

Ok, will crawl back into my rock now...

[Aud31]

Hi Cat,

I was just thinking about you and realized that I would like to clarify what I said last night about letting him go--I know it's much easier said than done, and it's nuanced because somehow you have to find a way to detach from your expectations of him while you still have love and concern for him and your kids.

I love ROOT's approach. Apple had some good ideas about it too...finding little ways to show him kindness without putting any expectations on him. I think it's vital that you look at letting him go and going dark as dropping every expectation you possibly can, as soon as possible (as opposed to cutting off all contact and acting cool towards him).

Something that helped/helps me deal with anxiety over expectations is to remind myself to accept that my sitch is what it is, that beneath the shock and what-ifs and worries, I'm really okay and will continue to get better no matter what happens, so it's okay to let go.

Also, I think it's entirely appropriate for you to pray for strength to be free from expectations and that if it is His will that your M be preserved and protected, and for angels to be with you and H. Sometimes it helps me to think of more specific things to ask God for, better than just a general 'help me' request. KWIM? I'll pray for those things for you today.

[Aud31]

Cross post there...sorry for the thing blowing up in your face...I can honestly say I've done that too, and it will blow over hon. Just pick yourself up and keep moving toward your goal. I think my post above still applies very much--will help in dealing with all the ups and downs on the rollercoaster.

((hugs))

[ntl]

Hey cat,

Glad things were just a mix-up but understand you feeling bad about it. Like you said, you're also allowed to make mistakes. And one mistake doesn't ruin everything. You've apologized sincerely, and that's most of the way back!

ntl

[cat03]

re-reading the above posts in an effort to learn to let go of my expectations, I still expected a lot, I forget he has nothing to offer right now since he isnt' whole, I'm still holding on with eyes shut wishing he'd make up his mind.

SIGH***, I will get there, thanks for everyone's suggestions about letting go, I need to burn those in my brain.

=========today's email devotional, fitting for my sich===============
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:8).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria

Is there something you are believing God for? Does it seem like it’s taking a long time to come to pass? Be encouraged today! The Bible says that through faith and patience you will inherit the promise. You can trust that God’s Word is true. Submit your prayers to the Lord, and keep an attitude of faith and expectancy. Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep knocking on the door, and it will be opened to you. It may seem like it’s taking a long time, but know this: God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. He is orchestrating things in your favor. He is perfecting whatever concerns you. Don’t give up! Start thanking God for His faithfulness in your life. As you stay faithful in your prayers and thanksgiving, the Lord will move mightily on your behalf. He’ll take you places that you’ve never dreamed, and you will live the life of victory He has in store for you!

A Prayer for Today

Father in heaven, thank You for giving me a diligent spirit. Thank You for Your faithfulness. Give me strength to stand until I see Your promises fulfilled in my life. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

[Sara]

Cat,

Don't sweat the acting out. It is a release and sometimes, you just have to explode. After things settle back down he may even see that you only did it because you care so much. Drama is not so terrible. The worst thing is apathy. You know that.

[cat03]

thanks hon))) feeling a bit better, it does sting to think of that stupid card (I know I know, in the big scheme of things it shouldnt' matter) It was just such a nicely done pencil drawing of her inside a heart with all her pets around her, hurts to think that after all that happened (her being a whore, threatening our children and calling them miserable, threatening his job, etc etc) he still has feelings for her. I guess it is sort of like me, despite what he's done to me I still love him.
SIGH, pushing those fruitless thoughts out of the way... Yes, he is allowed to have those feelings, it just hurts to think about it.

[ACJ]

Yes, he is allowed to have those feelings, it just hurts to think about it

Then get out that big red STOP sign and stop wiggling that sore tooth!

[runningoutoftime]

"We had a written agreement that during the S we wouldnt' date."

Okay, maybe I'm missing something here, but if a spouse cheats while they are married and living with you, why on earth would they honor some written agreement that they wouldn't date during separation? That makes no sense to me....

I EXPECT spouse, who has cheated, and who wants to be seperated, to date others. In fact, I'd encourage him to date.. not just OW but go out and sow those darn oats!!!! Get that out of his system. Why on earth should he limit himself to OW???

Rather then making him lie about this, I would tell him that because you are separated you both should be able to date... even if you don't plan to. He doesn't need to know this. Although, you can say, "No I don't plan to date, but I don't want to close off my options either...."

At this point, I don't think you have anything to lose. You have been traveling down the "cheeseless tunnel" too long. I truly believe your husband won't be anywhere near making a decision to stay or leave until he's spent enough time "examining the grass on the other side of the fence."

The longer you hang on or try to convince him otherwise, the longer you'll deal with a frustrating situation. Push the boat off! Wave bye!!!