Finding Supermom - #4

[JennyF]

Brit...

Is he going to help support you and the kids, or are you expected to go it alone from now on?

Yes, he's still paying for things. He is going over and above what he is legally entitled to and NEVER misses an opportunity to tell me about it. He's good at throwing it in my face whenever I hint that I don't want to sell the house or buy him out. I am worried that if I decide not to move on the house right now he will start to pull back the support. They I'll see his true colours and so will others!

IC...I think he is using the bills to further jam it down my throat that it is over. He first mentioned it last week. I still can't believe how he doesn't care what a vulnerable position I'm in being on mat leave. He is running so fast that it is completely unreasonable, but NOTHING I say can make him see this. I don't try to make him see it either though, I just go with the flow where I can. I will send him the info...but when I get to it. I'm tired of being pushed around by him so HE can move on with his life.
He just called to make arrangements for tonight and asked me where I was going. I just said, 'out to dinner'. That's all.
He seemed pretty to the point again. We had a good small talk conversation about D's gymnastics.
Now I have to go find something to wear!
J~

[JennyF]

MORE SNOW! I can't believe how much snow we have...I am so sick of shovelling! The snowbanks are actually taller than I am...and I'm tall!

Anyway, I have to fill out my financial statements today. H gave me back the forms (he took them to photocopy them) and he said that his are filled out and with his lawyer. He said that his lawyer is drawing up a letter to give to my lawyer so they can figure it out.
This is crazy. It's moving right along.

These things along with the fact that there seems to be NO connection whatsover with my H is really discouraging. Is he REALLY over me? Is it all REALLY gone and he wants to completely move on?
I have no little signs to keep me believing there is hope, with the exception of the strong feeling in my heart.

I keep thinking about the part in DR where Michele talks about the WAS's whose mind is just made up and there is nothing any DB'ing can do to save it.
I KNOW that the DB'ing is for me and I have to do it regardless. But I can't help but wonder if H is really in some kind of life crisis (all signs point to yes) or if he is just really wanting to move on with on with a different life and that is why he is moving so fast.
I keep believing that OW R is doomed...but right now that does not seem to be the case.
Don't believe 100% of what they say and only 50% of what you see....right?
I'm teetering on that line between believing it's over, really really over and seeing this all as part of the whole process that there is still a chance.
SG...if you're stopping by at all....I'd love some advice! Can't wait to see the links for the "11th hour" thread!!
J~

[JennyF]

OH...I forgot to talk about my night last night.
I told H I was going out dinner...but not with who.
And let me tell you, I looked GOOD! (if I do say so myself).

I didn't get home until almost 11PM. Had a blast with the girls and got to home to H telling me about his lawywers and the financial statements.

Anyway, it was great to get out (in the middle of a snowstorm!).
I had the most delicious glass of wine, a yummy meal and great conversation.
So there...last night I GAL!
J~

[Startingover2]

I am so glad you got out and GAL. Whether your H returns to the M or not, you will be fine. My H rushed through the D as fast as he could, but yet was still seeing me all the time. Your H may see losing steam in the D as a sign of weakness. Who knows.

Hang in there.

[blindsided1]

It sounds like he is pushing this along so that he doesn't doubt himself, which I'm sure he is. Is your H a stubborn man? I also want to believe the OW R is doomed. I actually pray for it, sad but true. One day he is going to realize what he did to you and your family. I don't know when that day will come, but it will. Hang in there and good for you going out. I'm really happy you had a good time. Do more of that.

[JennyF]

All right, I'm a one woman pity party again.
S just left with H and I broke down after he left AGAIN.
I just typed out a long letter to H that I know I won't send...but I had to get if off my chest.
I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing in this DB towel and just letting him have it. Sending the letter and just letting him have it.

One thing is stopping me, IF there is even an ounce of hope to save this marriage, sending that note will not help and will make things worse. I don't want to do that.

My problem right now is that I know all the right things to do and say. I know what I have to do and what I shouldn't do.
I know I have to focus on me and make my plans to get on with my life. I know it all.
And if it wasn't for having a newborn and a 3 year old I may be able to do it all with a smile on my face. But I keep looking up at God and asking him WHY I deserve to lose my children for so much time? WHY IS THIS FAIR? It isn't fair, I know that.
I learned at a really young age that life is not fair and that we are all dealt the hand we get for a reason. I guess in some ways I felt since I didn't have the storybook childhood that I deserved to be happy as an adult.
I thought I'd found my happily ever after and I was going to make sure that my kids had the best life possible. WTF happened?
Why can't I stop looking for answers?? Why?

I seem to be up and down with my strength lately and it is all coinciding with having to let my kids go.
I know I need to keep myself busy, blah blah blah...but I have no money! I can't even take the yoga class I wanted to because I don't have enough money to do it.
I'm rambling now, but I'm feeling quite lost.

I HATE it that I'm typing another post like this. I don't want to constantly ramble on about the same stuff over and over...but I am REALLY having a hard time with this.
Again...the title of my thread seems to fit. I just have to find myself in all of this.
I'm working on it.
J~

[Imconfused0807]

Soother Fairy...or are you SuperMom tonight? I get the outfits mixed up

Anyways, you're doing fine!!! I'm still feeling that your husband is not as comfortable with walking away from this as you think. Don't throw in the towel just yet. You went out the other night...had a great time...came home I'm sure still in a good mood...husband must have seen this, and quickly brought up something that he felt would bring you down. I don't think he is comfortable at all with you getting a life!!! Keep it up. No money to go out? Invite friends over, rent a yoga DVD and bake another one of them butter cream frosted cakes No more pity parties!! Leave those to Miss Brocolli when your husband comes home

- IC, who is still scratching his head over a Canadian woman using the c-word in CFB

[JennyF]

IC, you rock. I needed that so much...thanks.
I'm sitting here giggling to myself.

I really hope you're right with your 'feeling' that my H isn't comfortable walking away. I don't think I've given you any reason in my posts to believe this so I hope it's good intuition on your part.

I don't use the C-word lightly...in fact I don't know if I've ever used it up until now. But us Canucks are feisty women!!
Speaking of which...the plough just came by so I'm on way out to shovel...AGAIN!
Miss Brocolli, you crack me up.
Thanks again for making me smile....
J~

[phbear316]

Jenny

Which ever outfit it is soother fairy or super mom, you wear that S on you shirt with pride. Proud of you!!

hugs
bear

[Startingover2]

Happy Valentines Day Jenny!!! Look at your precious babies. They are our true Valentines!