Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

thanks for your words guys))))))))))))))))))

There is only one word to described what I did: clusterfcuk

I screwed up bit time. H called me this am talking normal, (he still has no phone & calling from payphone), his mom told him to call me (I was talking to her last night). He had been on the road stuck the entire time, he had no plans to see ow and the card I found he said he drew it because he was feeling bad and still has feelings for her, that he hasnt' talked to her since 2 weeks ago and anyways that phone is disconnected now (I called). That there is no way in hell they could ever pick up where they left off, that it was impossible.

I jumped to conclusions, called ow and told her things I shouldnt' have (about the letter from her I found, about him doctoring a lawyer's letter, stuff that she could use to get back at him). She truly is a snake, she talked as if indeed they were meeting, I thougth it odd they hadn't met yet as it was 9pm and she sounded like she was still on the train, she led me on, I told her he was on his way (I wonder if she waited for him). So I muddled the waters and maybe gave her ammo for her to go his job and set a complaint (also against me for "harrasing" her).

H was pissed that I looked into his computer, told me that I promised not to talk to her nor snooped & that I did it again. That he was actually trying to do something nice (got candy for all of us and flowers for me last night) and that it blew on his face. That his C was prob right, that he shouldn't be "leading me on" since things within himself are not alright and that we could still not end up together.
That I was putting him in a little box and keeping tabs and pushing him and not letting him think and give him space like I said I was. In a ways I was doing that, my desperation seeping in the need to know where he was, my BS radar on full.

Well, I might've made ow even madder and she might do something to screw up H or contact him.

I told H that I also get to screw up from time to time. Yes, I believe what he said, he was disappointed and said we should prob talk only about the kids from now on and keep it at that (I said that at the beginning of our convo when he first called). He said it twice, don't know if he will keep to that. We dont' "have" to see each other until next monday, I'm not expecting him to call.
Yes, I screwed up and reminded him that he too, has lost his head before and made rash decisions and that that's exactly what happened to me this time around.

Ok, will crawl back into my rock now...