Even after all this pain she has inflicted on me, including these most recent instances of her betrayals and her persistence in cloaking herself in treachery, lies and deceit, I am so torn.
Part of me wants to walk away myself. Just gather up the pieces of my heart and give up on her. I told her early on in this crisis I was not going to withdraw again, like I did when I was in the depths of my depression prior to the bomb. But she has shown no compassion towards what I am going through on her behalf. It is as if she sees my very existence as an impediment to her plans and desires. So to recover what is left of my heart I feel the need to let go and move on. If she absolutely refuses to work on our R, let alone our M, then why tilt at windmills?
But there is the other part of me that still loves her, both for the person she was and for being the mother of our children and the wife she promised once. I have been having an extremely difficult time turning that "off". Were it not for the fact that we have between us two small children I love dearly, and this family that we waited so very long to achieve, I would find this so much easier to let go.
I also told her early onward that I have to fight for our M, to which she replied incredulously that she could see no signs of it. Never mind she refuses to see anything positive in me or my actions. What message does it send if I retreat now? That again I cannot follow through and do what I say I will do? Now she again gets to say that I failed our M? Can I really say I have done everything humanly possible to try to save this M?
