Cat, I hope you are feeling better today. I think you are doing better than what you realize -- and I've BTDT twice with 2 husbands, so trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
I don't think you lost any ground by calling OW. What you did was, you got in close enough to the enemy to feel her out, to see what she was made of -- look at this as a kind of reconnaisance operation in wartime. You took a few flesh wounds to get the intelligence. But now that you've got what you wanted there's no need to go back.
Ah, Cat. Reflect back on the title you chose for this thread: Battlefield of the Mind. You were right on there. The thing to keep in your mind is that you are very likely to win the battle for your marriage. There are a lot of divorces in this country, and most of them are filed by women -- by wives who have given up on their marriages for one reason or another. It is simply a matter of hanging in there no matter what. And not being attached to the form of the marriage or the image of H that you initially started with, because for sure these will change, as everything inevitably does. And change is not always a bad thing. Just because you cannot imagine now how you can possibly be happy and fulfilled in the future is nothing more than a failure of the imagination. So hang in there, Cat, and work on finding ways to control or limit panic attacks when they come up.
[quote=cat03
We had a written agreement that during the S we wouldnt' date
-- Cat, this is important. The agreement exists and H is not honoring it. There's nothing you need to do about this. H knows it exists and he is not honoring it. That is enough. Leave him to work out his own deal with the Hound of Heaven!
i didn't want him to think he could fool me.
-- No need to worry about this! He knows bloody well he can't fool you!
I was angry that ow was going to win
-- This is a no-win situation for OW. So don't disturb your inner tranquillity with anger for such a loser. Save your anger for more important things.
nothing I do will make him do anything (I keep forgetting that).
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
-- Right. You can't make anyone else do anything. But on the other hand, you can certainly give him a lead with your own example. He will either follow you or he won't. I think he'll end up following you, Cat.
I actually was holding to some hope for a bit before tonight
-- I'm still seeing plenty of cause for hope.
this lunatic still wants to play casanova and I dont want to put myself out there for him to hurt me. I must go dark
-- Yes. yes, yes, yes....
we had plans to do something this weekend (is not his weekend w/kids) but I don't know how can I even look at his face now.
-- So tell him that, in one sentence. And follow through with calmness and confidence. Don't worry, he'll be back!
If this goes south, I know I will be ok, but what if this ow is near my children? that thought alone terrorizes me.
-- These are the kind of thoughts to stay away from. For a religious person, entertaining such thoughts is tantamount to the sin of pride. Cat, you have put yourself in the hands of the Lord. So allow the Lord to provide, OK?
Pray for me, I'm trying to put all my faith in God right now, I need His strenght badly.
-- I will send up a prayer for you, Cat. My prayer will be that you learn to recognize your own strength. [/quote]
