wow, B hopeful is SO good at validating!! How did you learn how to do that?? Can you give us some pointers? Or point us to pointers you found?
Well first off, it's pretty easy to validate when things seem to start going your way. This is a very thought provoking question though. I don't really feel like I'm validating when I talk to her. It just kind of comes naturally I guess. When I really think about it though, I think here is what I do. I try to set my wants and desires aside as I listen to her. They only get in the way when I'm trying to really hear what she's trying to say. That's not to say that they don't matter, but when I switch into listening mode I have to switch out of my needs mode.
Think of your very best friend. The one that you can tell anything in the world to and they won't judge you. They accept you for you and don't have any agenda of their own. This is who I try to be for her. I don't always make it there. An example, I couldn't tell her to go into the Peace Corps. That was for my own selfish reasons and not because I didn't think that she should really go. So, it's not always easy to put yourself aside and love unconditionally.
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Hooray for your reconciliation!!!
She's not home yet, but it sure seems like she's committed. She spent the night again last night. She started out sleeping on the couch, but ended up snuggling in bed with me after a couple hours. It made for a very nice night.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Awesome B. Snuggling in the bed is something I miss a great deal and would do just about anything to have again.
I'm sure you're thinking about this, but don't be surprised if she pulls back a little before moving forward again. This is all pretty confusing to her I am sure.
Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing the current success.
Hey B, Have you reread DR? The parts about asking for what YOU want? I just don't want you to get so focused on validating her that you lose sight of your own needs. You also need to share with her what is going to make YOU happy in all of this. Maybe not right away...but just something to think about. Looks like Bob was right, every little thing, IS gonna be alright! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
I haven't reread those parts, but I'm not going to let myself get lost in trying to meet her needs. I'm still continuing my GAL activities and doing what makes me happy. I have shared some of my needs with her. Meeting each others needs is something that we have to work on together though.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Peace, B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Just continue doing what you are doing bhopeful...definitely doing the right things...just like you said consistency...and move at her pace. You'll be fine...your head is on straight...
Going to reread your story this weekend...I've gained a lot for what you write. Heck 9/16/2007 is also the same day I was booted and moved to parents. Of course, 9/16 is also the day WAW and I made 5D all those years ago...happy anniversary not...lmao..
She's wallowing around today about telling OM. I think that I might have made her a little mad asking about things, but I was able to smooth it over I'm pretty sure. It started with her telling me that she wasn't sure that she was going to be able to tell him this week. I guess that they're meeting up for dinner (as friends) with a bunch of friends. She said that she wants to tell him in private, which I totally understand. I asked what I thought was an obvious question though of why do you have to hang around with him still. That's when things started to go against me a little. She said that she doesn't want to be mean to him and that she needs time to work it all out. I backed off and said that she could take the time that she needed.
She kept talking to me after that, so I don't think that she's upset. She also said the following: "I'm just letting you know, which I don't have to, but I want too. Be thankful.", and I was thankful...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I imagine the whole thing is difficult for her..."the have to hang around with him still" is just asking for it. Be careful not to push her which seems you did by backing off and the "thankful" later...be patient...be thankful...
