Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[seekpeaceofmind]

Also, I have numerous friends who are psychotherapists who think it's really important for H to tell him my feelings, to let him see how much I am hurting and to face what he is doing.

I guess my question is - who would that benefit? You or him? Would it bring you closer to your goal (whatever that is right now)? Do you really think your H is in a place where he can have empathy for your feelings and act on that? The way I understand DB, it is to be solution-focused. How does an emotional confrontation move you and H forward? The other basic principle I see in DB is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Experiment and monitor for results. Pick one or two things that you will try to do and do them with enough time and consistency to see if they have a positive effect.

Another observation - and I don't mean this to be harsh - is that it seems like your H only agreed in MC to "try" was b/c he was backed up against a wall. He has no where to turn and sees no way out. This is the time for you to be the strong, empathetic one. I know it's not easy, but my suggestion would be to really look at things from his perspective and be as supportive of him as you would be of a friend. It doesn't make any difference really whether this is MLC, depression, or feelings of inadequacy - whatever- he must feel like crap all day, every day. No job, financial pressures, marital stress. What is bolstering him and helping him to feel like a strong, successful man?

The vows are usually "for better or for worse" - this is "worse" and those of us in DB mode are trying to figure out how we can honor our promises to our spouses even in the face of their pain, rejection, fear, running away - whatever it is that has brought our Ms to the current crisis.