I arrived home this morning... I went to Mexico again.. and stayed for a few days... My H was very Romantic with me. It doesnt seem real.... we had fun. I allowed mysef to have fun without guilt, for once. I will catch up later... take care everyone. God Bless...Ali
I am doing well, and yet I see that I have a long way to go.
This year my Goal is to realy let myself be vunerable in a way I havent before. AND by that I do not mean let him walk all over me. I MEAN let my love shine thru in the things I do and especially in lovemaking which is where I tend to want to hide and not be vunerable. Be open to love and to let him love me and this is great ....awesome in fact.
But then for some reason fear sets in. We had a fantastic time and he was amazing and I let myself be AMAZING and really take the lead and be me. I even drove him near the edge in bed , he loved it.
So it is odd to me that today I feel so anxious I could hardly breath at times. I feel like this is too good to be true and he is going to turn into MR JECKYL anytime soon. I hope not cause this time it feels so good , so different from before and the best feeling of it all, is, it feels genuine and real and sincere.
and still all in all downright SCARY.
I am being honest here..... and I also am trying to work thru this... not walk around it , or climb over it but truly walk thru it and come out on the other side a better Person for it.
Scared as H*LL, as I approach my fear, but still walking towards it. This is precisely what I worked so hard for, a H like this and now that he seems to BE slowy arriving and growing up and most of all showing me I am first. I am his everything.It is bliss.
I know this, that I have a lot of work to do to let go and feel this and embrace it, not fight it and allow him to love me and love him back w/o fear.
A lot of work in store for me this year,alot. Blessings many and now it is time for me to thank God for them and work hard to show I APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERYONE. God Bless...
Thinking.... I am trying too hard , trying to let go of all my fear. It feels like it is going to swallow me whole. I am letting my mind take over my heart and it hurts...
I am thinking too much and not just allowing myself to feel this good love that we have......
I am afraid if I trust you..... I will get hurt and this time it will be so much harder than the last time to get up and brush myself off.
I am walking towards what I want and yet I feel frozen. Frozen by the pain , frozen by the memories, frozen in this state of mind before I can move thru. When will this feeling go away?
I am here writing to let these feelings out, It feels like I have been working a long time....
..... and I am tired and I feel overwhelmed. I feel like everyone else is normal and I am the only one who loves this much and gets so lost in trying to make it better. My heart aches, and why I cannot explain. My H is being wonderful and for some reason I am terrified. I just want to break down and cry, it feels like I am up against something that just wont let me be still and blissful. I just want to be happy. I want to be like "Jane" down the street who seems to have it all together,, and at the same time I know there is no such thing. People look at me and envy me and they have no idea the pain that swirls around my soul at times. I dunno maybe this is the last step before I really give every last piece of my heart to him and it scares me. What if I trust you again , will you love me like I love you? will you remember I have feelings just like you do? will I remember that you are just as fragile as me? will I hold your heart in my hands and handle it with TLC? will I forget everything I have gone thru and have to go thru it over again when my fear holds me down and I let you down by closing down again? I know in my heart I will not let you down but I am scared that I am not showing my love,,, that I just keep it in my heart locked up tight. It is a love so beautiful and I want it to reach you and I want you to see how beautiful it is and feel it in your heart. I will try very hard this year to have what I hold deep inside just for you to be given to you in little ways everday, try hard to let you know WHO I AM and why I am here with you. To hold your love close to me but also let it go and watch it grow.
.....Words dont mean a thing to you , you want to see my love and you want to feel it and you want me to be strong and lead with my beautiful spirit. Somedays it feels like my wings have been clipped and I am trying so hard to reach you..... maybe God is holding them down so that you can fly on your own and REACH ME?! I will keep praying and keep working on me and keep my light on cause I need to and this change feels so different. I feel so strong and at the very same time so damn vulnerable....... God bless....Ali
Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond to you. I'm not sure how to help, but to say that you are an inspiration to me and I think to most women.
You are a fighter; faithful, strong and mature. You fight on, never giving in to mediocrity, always looking to improve your sitch, not settling for second best. I really admire the way you are moving forward, growing, and taking stock of your sitch.
I'll bet your H is enthralled with you. He must wonder how in the world he got hooked up with such a wildcat. Deep down he knows YOU are the best thing that ever happened to him. He may not know what to do with you, but he knows he'll never find anyone better than you.
Your feelings are going to swing back, forth and sideways. Just let them swing, ride out the waves. Then act and do what YOU know is the right thing to do. Your H is very blessed to have you and believe me he knows it. Just keep on showing him what a REAL woman is, a superior woman. Not a mean, sower, cold, and insecure child, but the natural beauty, firey hot lover, strong and powerful individual that you are.
Go get um tiger!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Ali, I know how you're feeling. It is so tiring sometimes to always have your guard up. You just want to feel safe. I know. I think we all aspire to feel that way. But the fact is, that feeling will take time and hard work.
My C said to me yesterday that it typically takes at least 18 months to recover from an A.
Only time and consistency on both yours and your H's part will give you that feeling of security.
Also, the one thing that helps me is to remember about ME. When you start to feel scared and insecure, turn your focus on yourself. What do YOU want from YOU... Find things that make YOU feel good. Remember that your life is your own, regardless of what your H does. When I tell myself this, it always helps me to at least feel some of that security within me.
I do think, though, that the more time you and your H work on repairing your M, little by little... you'll start to trust again. But it won't happen over night. And if it did, that would be alarming.
Hang in there. Remember that a M takes work EVERY DAY! If it were that easy, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high and the infidelity rate wouldn't be so high. Only the strongest of Ms survive (IMO)... those that put forth the work and commitment and who realize that it's not a walk in the park.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
You couldn't have expressed my feelings any better. It is a natural thing to think these thoughts I know but, it doesn't make it any easier to work thorugh them. I am glad things are going well with you and your H.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 02/12/0803:50 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
***************He may not know what to do with you, but he knows he'll never find anyone better than you.***********
COG you as usual have brought me to tears.. thank you for the beautiful words. You all are so amazing and so supportive. I love this place!!!
Well I am sure you all know that my H is is Mexico and he will be home in March just like last year. THE DIFFERENCE????
This year I dare say he is actually doing some work and by that I mean soul searching.........
I havent had time to update but two days ago he talked to me in the morning and said to me.. " GUESS WHAT?" IN A REALLY HAPPY VOICE. And I said .. " I dunno what?" He then says to me ..." I am wearing my ring again."
I wanted to cry right away but instead I said " YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHH!" and he replied "yeah, you ******."
( it is kind of an inside joke but he says this swear word to me and EVEN IN THE WAY HE SAID IT,,,, it says alot to me, he is basically saying " YOU GOT ME, I SURRENDER, I AM YOURS AND I LOVE YOU TO DEATH..." )
After he said that the tears came.... I said ..."now look what youve done I am going to cry........ I love you too and that is so awesome. I love you so much."
And even in the past weeks when I say those 3 scary words ILY he 90% of the time says ILY2 baby...
I think that is why I was feeling uncomfortable a while back he was retreating some to find him and I had to resist the urge to hold on tight and instead let go...... uncomfortable as H*ll and scary to tell the truth. I felt sad , but the outcome is unbelievable. I had not even mentioned it anymore and as a matter of fact I had not been wearing my ring for a long time too. He said Awhile back to our D9 when she asked "WHY DONT YOU WEAR YOUR RING DAD????????????????" that he did not need to wear it to prove he loved Me,, and she disagreed with him.......
I will post more later... Just wanted to say thanx for the posts you all; they do mean the world to me and keep me going... yes it is going to take time to get thru this. And even thru all my pain... This IS GOING TO BE THE BEST D*MN M , I CAN MAKE IT AND BEST OF ALL WIN OR LOSE , YES I WILL KEEP WORKING ON BEING THE BEST D*MN ME THERE IS ,,,
I like posting what I really feel deep down and keeping it here so I can see my growth and not forget how important this is for me..... for ME and my M.
LIKE someone once told me save yourself and if you save your M IN THE process now that is just the icing on the cake. God bless, ALI
Everywhere I'm turning Nothing seems complete I stand up and I'm searching For the better part of me I hang my head from sorrow state of humanity I wear it on my shoulders Gotta find the strength in me
Cause I am a Superwoman Yes I am Yes she is Even when I'm a mess I still put on a vest With an S on my chest Oh yes I'm a Superwoman
For all the mothers fighting For better days to come And all my women, all my women sitting here trying To come home before the sun And all my sisters Coming together Say yes I will Yes I can
Cause I am a Superwoman Yes I am Yes she is Even when I'm a mess I still put on a vest With an S on my chest Oh yes I'm a Superwoman
When I'm breaking down And I can't be found And I start to get weak Cause no one knows Me underneath these clothes But I can fly We can fly, Oh
Cause I am a Superwoman Yes I am Yes she is Even when I'm a mess I still put on a vest With an S on my chest Oh yes I'm a Superwoman
...this song is my favorite lately. It is on her new album.... I love it. We are all SUPERWOMEN we just dont know it sometimes! ( WELL I FORGET A LOT ANYWAY..........) Love you all........Ali
peaceful spirit and jak58......... thank you so much,,, yours words mean sooooooooo much and have given me more hope that this will keep getting better. Love and God bless, Ali
and stayed for a few days... 
and still all in all downright SCARY.
for the posts you all; they do mean the world to me and keep me going... yes it is going to take time to get thru this. And even thru all my pain... This IS GOING TO BE THE BEST D*MN M , I CAN MAKE IT AND BEST OF ALL WIN OR LOSE , YES I WILL KEEP WORKING ON BEING THE BEST D*MN ME THERE IS ,,,