Posted here yesterday looking for advice on how to confront my wife with what I know about her affair. Well, I did it last night. I was calm, non-vilifying (as much as I could be), and factual.
I told her I know she has had sex with her OM, which she responded to with "Oh you do, do you? How do you know?". It started to bug here when I kept saying it didn't matter how I know, but I do know. To get her off that I dropped a few hints from her call that she recognized, then it started to click for her that I really *did* know. Amazingly she *still* was in denial! Tried to say that the orgasms she referred to having in her call were a result of phone sex!!! Can you believe it? Then continued to try to say that he wasn't interested in her. It is really sad, how messed up she is right now.
I told her I didn't want to divorce, but I won't stand in the way if she wants to pursue one. So we started talking about the logistics of how we would split up, again very factually and very clinically. Would both like to pursue a dillilusion and keep it very civil. I told her that for the kids sake it would be best for them to stay in the house, and the only way for that to happen is for me to stay and her to go (financial reasons). I told her think of it this way, you'll have lots more time to pursue the OM this way! Know it was wrong to say, but couldn't help it.
Anyway, the more I talked in a very non-threatening and resigned way about proceeding with the disillusion the more she started talking about maybe waiting a bit. I told her I can wait but I can not put up with her being with him - in no uncertain terms let her know she wasn't going to get to have her cake and eat it too. She told me she didn't know if she can completely quit him, and I respect her honesty. We did agree on a fixed time period - started with 1 month and ended up at 1 week - where I won't snoop and she won't see/contact him and we will put off pursuing the D.
Went to bed, all is well. Got up this morning and totally different mood - she was *pissed*!!! Said she dreampt about being a fly in a petri dish and can't live like this any more. Very bitter toward me, angry at the degree to which I snooped, said I couldn't know how that feels. I shouldn't have, but I reminded her that she could never know how it felt to be betrayed by adultery. I think underneath it all she was just angry she got caught! Anyway, I left for work and here I am.
Any suggestions how to handle this next week? Do I just DB as usual, or try to come on to her more strongly and be more loving? I think coming on to her while she still feels this way about OM is stupid - there is no way I can compare to him in her eyes, so trying will just make me look pathetic. Other perspectives?
