These things are slippery slopes and the behaviour patterns feed into each other. One day one of you did something mean to the other one - or something the other one perceived as mean. The injured party decided to not say anything and to hold onto the resentment. Because they did that their behaviour was different. Because of their behaviour the other one couldn't reach them. Then they felt lonely and isolated and made it into the other ones' fault, and became more resentful.....
That is why the things your W listed seem so trivial. She can't really remember what caused her to feel hurt once way back. She can't really remember why it seemed so important. But inside herself she has been rehashing that resentment over and over and building you up as the bad guy. She feels wronged and she feels it's your fault. Maybe you stepped on her toe one time and didn't say sorry. Whatever it was it's HER resentment not your error that is the problem.
Once you start to realise that it's her problem you no longer need to walk on eggshells, you can just go about your business behaving the way you want to behave as a normal mortal reasonably decent guy. You can say the stuff you want to say, you can do the stuff you want to do. And her reaction is immaterial - it is hers.
If she sees you as nothing more than co-parents to your kids then she is emotionally divorced from you. It has already happened. And in my view that is WORSE for the kids than being open about it. It is also worse for you because you are living in a sexual desert with a woman who no longer wants to be your wife.
How come she gets to live with a wealthy man (who's wealth she says she despises - boy that's a luxury being able to despise wealth while still living off it), maintain the illusion of an intact family life to her children and friends, while in no way behaving like a wife?
Why is that OK? Why are you letting her get away with it? If she was an employee you'd have fired her by now.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
