Thanks for the support! Printed out your message and reviewed before MC. Think it went well...had "normal" conversation, went together to MC, W seemed pretty anxious but genuinely participated, actually did most of the sharing. Interestingly, she showed more emotion openly than I did, which was a bit of a role reversal. She was v. clear re: not at a place of reconciliation at this time, just to process/explore where we are, how we got here. I was working very hard to be strong so that she could say the pieces she needs to, even if that includes that she loves me but that it's over. It takes unbelievable heart and love to do that, even though it's not visible from the outside. Anyway, I did well with that part...really focused on listening, non-defensive, owned a few of my own pieces in this (but not in a matyrdom over the top way).
W asked MC about if we could longer sessions and wanted to continue MC. As we were leaving, she then asked if I wanted to go for dinner, but specifically asked for no R talk; I agreed, kept everything positive but rolled with everything. Had a really nice meal together; a couple of short awkward silences, but no big deal. Then, after I pulled up to drop her off, she spent 30 minutes with me and we were just talking about non-R stuff...she was quite animated, and seemed teary at a few points, but I couldn't tell since it was dark. Then she said that she just really enjoyed talking with me about things...seemed like she was really holding back tears at that point. I so wanted to ask her about the tears and hug her and tell her how much I love her, but I didn't. I just remained really present, listened, and was warm and friendly even though my heart was wanting to burst. She then said she was tired and should go, but it was pleasant, not curt.
We're on for another outing this weekend to see a production. When the bill came for dinner tonight, she said she'd pick this one up and maybe I can get the next one if we do dinner before going out to the play (yay! this was another addition!).
I feel like I did really well with myself and from a DB perspective, this seems like a "success". I got home and cried though because I enjoy spending time with her and still love her dearly. Even though I've just seen her, I really miss her deeply. And the MC was intense for me too...hard to be hearing some of the painful stuff and keep working at letting go. The urge to hold on / be close / cling is so powerful. I feel really good about tonight, but as I am writing this I am also so sad and having many tears. I don't really understand.
Thanks for your support B50. Before going in to the MC session, I imagined all the DBrs on the boards around me supporting me in spirit. The spirit of loving kindness and support which is so apparent in all the threads I read.
