Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

thanks Aud)))))
Just found this gems on Frank's thread, dead on, written "for me":

This is Frank quoting our dear dear grasshopper

I hate to say this CM, but you HAVE TO ACCEPT that it might be over, at least for now, it IS over. Your W may not return but you have to let her go, and I mean REALLY let her go to find out if she ever will.

Every time you have one of your "blow ups" it's because you allow your perception of what SHOULD be, or what COULD be to become a weapon which her perfectly normal reactions to you use to inflict pain.

She is acting like a woman who is ready to divorce, sure the marriage is over and is moving forward with her life. You are acting like a husband who's wife continues to do things to hurt him and can't figure out why, as if there were no separation, no pending divorce, no OM, no future other than the one where everything goes back to "normal."

Unfortunately, THIS IS NORMAL in your life right now and the sooner you embrace that, the better.

I am not saying to give up on reconciliation but I am saying to let go of that expectation.

I know how this goes. I know why you lash out. You don't know what to do and you just get to your wits end, thinking that if you are shocking enough, you will shock her into reality, YOUR reality, and she'll realize just how foolish and selfish she's being.

The sad part is that it's her life to do that with if she wishes and the longer you force yourself into the role of "daddy" keeping her from making her own decisions, the longer you will be trapped in this role of miserable left-behind husband.

One last time. Keep this in the forefront of your head 100% of the time as you make decisions that you HOPE may influence her to give your marriage another chance some day.

SHE HAS TO WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU!!!!!

Everything you do/say in regards to her should pass through the filter of "will this make her want to come back more?" If the answer is no, then don't do it. The would mean you would stop begging, stop being an a$$, start DBing and GAL, invest in your counseling/meetings, in short, be a upstanding, compassionate, loving man who extends those things first to himself, then to the rest of the world.

Again. Before you even ask us, you should have already asked yourself; Is what I am about to do going to make it more or less likely that she will return some day?

Do this and you will start to get ahead of the game.

I AM FREE TO BE ME instead of being who I think she wants me to be