Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

But if he is seeing the OW and lies about it, so what? If he lies to the OW, so what? He either will or he won't lie, you can't control it. Let it go. Easier said then done, but maybe it would work.

I SO wished I'd read this before.

He's on his way to see her right now... I called her a while ago...

THis pm I get home 1hr late from work, ice on roads, dangerous to drive, H leaves in a hurry waving off my warnings, he's dressed differently & hair is combed nice. I got to the computer and hidden there is a v-day card he made for her.

We had a written agreement that during the S we wouldnt' date (we were supposed to sign it but didnt' get to do so). He said last time that his contact w/her was sporadic, also, the phone he got that time was disconnected today... i actually harbored some hope.

My lifeline (a friend from work) warns me that ow wont' care nor believe me, all she wants is him and not much will be gained if i call her, but to do so if it brings me closure.I loose it and call her. SUre enough the ho doesn't care nor believe me, talks to me fine as pie, 100% sure D is happening, I tell her about our date last night, the fake S papers he was trying to make, that there is no D. Nothing moves her, she said come March "we'll see", denies ever calling me an unfit mother, that H says the opposite. Suuuure. I tell her about the note I found, she shuts up. Tell her i know about her sex contract which no one is supposed to know but her and H, she is quiet for a bit. Says she doesn't have anything to do with me.
Not much to say to that, other than to tell her to tell H that he shouldnt' have bothered to take me out last night (bet H will bs his way out of that one) and that i didn't want him to think he could fool me.

Breath wasted perhaps, but H's night won't be the total bliss he expected it, so he might bs his way out, but the fear of yeat facing his lies with me will keep him on his toes. His phone is lost so we can't talk.

I was totally furious and had all sorts of ideas 30mins ago. Until my friend tells me, like LN, to LET GO. I was angry that ow was going to win and friend tells me "you want that kind of man to be the father of your children?, are you going to be the 'crazy woman' out to fight him from ow?". That no matter what I did H was not going to change, to leave this in the hands of God who will work ALL things for the good of his children. That if H will be the man for our family he will shape up and win his family back, that nothing I do will make him do anything (I keep forgetting that).

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I had a good cry, I actually was holding to some hope for a bit before tonight, but this lunatic still wants to play casanova and I dont want to put myself out there for him to hurt me. I must go dark, dont' know what else I could do, we had plans to do something this weekend (is not his weekend w/kids) but I don't know how can I even look at his face now.

If this goes south, I know I will be ok, but what if this ow is near my children? that thought alone terrorizes me. H has said repeadtly how he'd be nuts to have an R with her, how it'd never work... and lo and behold, at it again.

I've prayed and cried out to the Lord, this is totally his fight, He'll either eventually send me my H in good shape, another man who will make me happy or his grace might have to suffice so I can be happy with my kids. Pray for me, I'm trying to put all my faith in God right now, I need His strenght badly.