Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

[quote=Meredith]
When we’re talking about the actual process of filing for divorce, it gets blood boiling. No one wants to be the one to get served. No one wants to be the one blindsided by it. It’s very obvious why it sounds good to just do it first. The problem with the perceived satisfaction of serving him in front of his peers is just that – it’s perceived. It’s not nearly as much fun as it sounds, I promise. Also, if you are doing it to gain closure or end this chapter in your life, that isn’t very accurate either. You should do those things FIRST and come back to the lawyer after you’re calm, steady and ready.

Funny- everything you say is the "opposite" of those giving me advice TO FILE. They say "Close the chapter, move on." Yes and serve him - let him "feel" the shame. However, my sister made a really good point AND it fits with what you have said...It wont affect him....not right now...IT IS PERCIEVED--yet again ME trying to "get him..."

It sounds as though you aren’t getting a feeling of calm and peace from “yes” in regards to filing. So, don’t. If he does it first then he does it first. However, if he is a runner you might be surprised to find that he likely won’t file. Runners don’t like conflict and divorces are riddled with conflict even in the best scenarios.

I guess I just assume he will. The seperation papers being worked on (as they have since day one) and the mediation, living with ow (basically living with her), him telling my d11 this is someone in his life that is going to be there for a very long time.

You are VERY VERY right about the conflict. HE HATES it and will lie, cheat and run to avoid it. I guess I see the divorce as the final step for him to be "rid" of me..which is rid of the conflict...and to keep ow happy. SEE who will he choose to "apease"??

Now, if he does file first, be the role model. Accept your papers gracefully and do not get bitter, angry or rude in front of him. You do all that stuff over a bottle of wine with your girlfriends ;). I know it sounds unfair and wrong, but the more anger you build now the more you’ll have to knock down later. It won’t affect him like it should, but it will drag you down to depths that you don’t need to be in.

Ah yes - grace in action YUCK! BUT I DO DESERVE DIGNITY!

Stopping the “lingerlonger” conversations are hard. It’s nothing but difficult to have the opportunity to talk and chat with someone that you really enjoy talking with and cutting it short. The problem is that these conversations often leave us feeling a little empty and exhausted. They give us little tidbits to hold onto, as well as a whole lot to analyze. Darkness is a good break from that and gives THEM a good break from it, too.

Man -you have walked my shoes haven't you. YeS YES YES they leave me feeling empty-Man...I have to do this NOT TO GET HIM BACK but FOR ME!! JEEZ!! i miss him. I know i know..just being honest.

Make yourself rush for real if faking it doesn’t seem right!

GOOD idea..I just have to find people who are available on every other FRIDAY nights at 6....and Sunday evennings at 6 we (d11 and I) will be hmm I dont know something.

Now, word of advice here. If your husband is passive-aggressive like mine, he’ll be late.

HA- he has been "early" so far!! =) He only sees my d11 4 days a month..it will be an interesting world in darkland. Jeez'...I want to come through to the otherside...I really do.