I went back and read some of your first posts. You've been dealing with this for over a year! Longer if you count the first A. Have you ever gone back and read your old posts? (I find it helpful to go back and look at mine, like reading old journals.)
From one of your first posts:
Originally Posted By: lovelyolive
One of my biggest concerns is for myself.. Even if we get back together, have I compromised who I really am and what I stand for by allowing him to have two affairs and come back to a marriage with me?
It's a different struggle for me this time. The first time it was a feeling of fighting for my life. This time... I don't have a clear direction of what I really want to do.. It changes minute to minute...
You've been living minute to minute for a long time. If you know that song from Rent, there are 525,600 minutes in a year. That song is about measuring life in love. You haven't had any of that in a long time.
I can't believe you've been doing this so long. I would have gone off the deep end months ago. You can't say that you didn't try. You gave it one h3ll of a fight. The one thing that has been consistent is your H's waffling. He was on that fence so long he probably has a splinter in his a$$ that is buried so deep it's going to be with him for the rest of his life.
So, again, what Sara said. You're definitely a person of compassion, honesty and integrity. You deserve better than what he's given you. You probably got the best part of him, your D.
My son is 14 and it breaks my heart when he spends every Sunday with his dad. But I know it is good for my son. I arranged it so that I would have my son on Sat. and H could see him on Sun. Thank God my son lives with me, I couldnt live without him.
I can't believe you've been doing this so long. I would have gone off the deep end months ago.
Yah.. neither can I. Maybe I have gone off the deep end and I just don't know it yet!
H says that he feels like the fog is finally lifting (his words) and that he can look back and see the things he did or didn't do that made me feel insecure after the first A - a short-lived fling. He is finally looking at himself and taking some responsibility for the demise of our M.
Originally Posted By: JoieDeVivre
You're definitely a person of compassion, honesty and integrity.
You are probably tempted to take him back. You must make sure he has really changed. That is, he must come up to your standards for you to take him back, not you simply accepting him the way he is or has been.
I recommend that he not be taken back until after he completes a Retrouvaille weekend with you. The weekend is a good time for him to come to understand all that he has done wrong and to ask your forgiveness in a meaningful way. (You will also ask for forgiveness for whatever you feel you have done wrong.) It goes on to investigate what kind of changes you both are willing to make to make the marriage work. It is a turning point. Without a turning point things don't really change. And if nothing changes, then you know, nothing changes.
At least he is feeling remorse. I hope you can take some comfort in that whether or not you choose to take him back.
Hi, I am new here. My WAW left on Dec. 03rd. We have a D4.5 and a S3. It rips me apart knowing I will miss half my kids lives. I miss hearing their foot steps coming down the hall to climb into bed with mommy and daddy. I am a fantasic dad and I take my kids to everything. In march I am taking them to Disneyworld alone. I too don't understand why the kids alone don't make our WAW want to at least talk about it to us. My kids make me want to be the best person and father that I can. They also make me want to do everything I can with my WAW so we have a family again. I was not a great husband when we were together. I was selfish and self centtered. My wife leaving me as forever changed everthing I am about as far as priorities and family values. I an in C alone, reading every book I can and 100s or hours of research on-line, have a great career now, personal trainer, started flying lessons etc. Became the man my wife always wanted... Now she and I text each other everyday about the kids only, but no interest on her part of anything to do with me.She is very attractive and from a weathy background so she needs nothing from me. So, yes there are many fathers that are torn up not seeing their kids everyday. My heart and tears go out to anyone on these boards that misses their kids.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Hummmm....if you decide to take him back perhaps you can agree to some type of legal deal (through the lawyers) where if he files for D again you get 100% custody (or he ONLY gets every other weekend... and maybe you get the house!). This way, if he waffles again he'll lose even more...
Do this now while you are still holding all the cards.
Explain that you need to protect D. She can't go through any more "wishy-washyness" on his part because she'll end up with a guy who does the same thing to her. She needs for him to be a healthy role model so she will eventually have healthy relationships. If he cannot provide this he needs to do the next best thing... which is allow D to have a more stable environment with you (a main "home" and dad as a place to visit... no 50/50 cr@p).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You must make sure he has really changed. That is, he must come up to your standards for you to take him back, not you simply accepting him the way he is or has been.
Good point Sara. Nothing has changed but his words. My standards just went up, too. Doesn't sound too promising does it?
Sooo.. is everyone looking forward to Valentine's Day like I am ??
ROOT has a good point about your D. My IC told me several times that I was being the stable parent, and how important that was for D14. Your H really needs to get himself straight.
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