While no one judges someone here for having had enough, giving up....FIB sends signals/sentiments that he isn't really sure. May he really doesn't want to give up and feels like he has to.
He can, but he doesnt' have to. Michele has evidence that MANY marriages are saved at the 11th hour. Is it easy. Oh...definitely not. Not even close. Is it possible...yes.
I have actually seen it myself. The couple went to court (BIL and SIL) all that was left was to sign the papers. They didn't.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
While no one judges someone here for having had enough, giving up....
But they are.
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He can, but he doesnt' have to. Michele has evidence that MANY marriages are saved at the 11th hour. Is it easy. Oh...definitely not. Not even close. Is it possible...yes.
I agree. I hope that is the case here. I really do. I said a prayer the day my Ex was scheduled to sign our papers.
Anything is possible. But at the 11th hour does it not take TWO to tango for long term success? And if two are to tango, do they BOTH not have to dance the dance?
FIB sends signals/sentiments that he isn't really sure. May he really doesn't want to give up and feels like he has to.
Not to be rude or disrespectful here, but.....DO YA THINK???
This is the part of this site that tends to get me worked up, especially since I AM now divorced and have moved on to have a new life of my own.
If you propose that you stand forever....or that EVERY marriage can be saved no matter what damage has been done or no matter how little interest one spouse shows....then it seems those who say they are done are looked on negatively. Some abandon you, at precisely the time you could use the support the most. Others pop in and do their best to convince you that there is still hope, even in the face of overwhelming fact.
And yes, 11th hour miracles are possible....not very darned likely, but very little is impossible.
So you get the message from FIB's posts that he wishes this didn't have to happen? You think? Good lord, anyone who has followed FIB's thread and thinks he is HAPPY about his marriage dying is clearly not reading closely enough.
Here's a surprise alert. Even those of us who support his current decision, even if we are already divorced, are NOT happy about having been divorced. I never planned on being divorced. My current happiness is DESPITE the fact that I have been divorced.
No, FIB is NOT happy about being divorced. He's NOT happy that his kids will be children of divorce. He's NOT happy that the woman he loves and pledged his faithfulness to has abandoned him and shows no willingness to fix what has been broken.
Don't confuse his longing for things to be right with doubt about his current path. Simply understand it to be a sad resignation at the reality that his wife has created.
Even now, if she could only show that she had the desire to make things right, to recover what was lost, if she could show any inclination whatsoever to acknowledge that she had caused near fatal damage to their family, even then he would probably listen and watch. Which is far more than most people would do.
FIB has stated his position. Only those who refuse to accept his decision as reasonable and appropriate given what he has been through persist in suggesting that he's waffling.
Now, how about we support this man who we all know is a fine man of integrity who has done everything possible to repair things between he and his wife.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
My W insists that I kiss her now when leaving the house. She demands to be held.
Reconcile these 2 quotes for me.
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
But what you and others are missing is that this is NOT IN OUR CONTROL.
Agreed. The only thing our actions can control is whether we sabotage what we really want. Is there any doubt what FIB really wants?
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
If FIB's W wants to save the M she must do it - without condition.
But that's not what posters who are encouraging FIB to walk away are really saying, is it. Shouldn't that read "If FIB's W wants to save the M she must do it - with the terms and conditions outlined by FIB even if they are not attainable in the short term". What I'm telling you in my previous post is that the goal can not be unattainable. I'm suggesting FIB break down the goal. That's solution based.
And no, you don't make a demand of her such as "I need this by then." You set your own goal (By the end of the month, I'd like W to call me in the middle of the day to tell me she misses me) and you express it, not demand it. (W, I used to love it when you would call me in the middle of the day.) If it happens, you took one step forward.
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
When she reads FIB's 30, she has two responses that FIB outlined for us: 1) FIB is a liar, or 2) What have I done?
You missed one: 3) Well, I guess I'll throw in the towel now since FIB has given up.
That's the one I'd fear the most by taking the position you take. And the moderator just told you, it happens. MArriages do get reconciled.
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
FIB cannot change her. Impossible. So why are you asking him to try?
Last thing, I'm not asking him to change her. I'm asking him to change him by setting smaller goals that lead to bigger accomplishments.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
FIB's wifes response to him right now is no different than it has been at any other point in his sitch when he began to seriously detach and pull away from her.
We have seen this before.
You can call it baby steps if you like (though I'd be careful saying that around FIB), but if you've been watching, we've all seen this show before.
What has been lacking everytime is ANY step of substance. ANY step.
Words require actions to make them real. Otherwise they are empty. Particularly after what has taken place by the wandering spouse in most of our sitch's.
I think our back and forth here is rather pointless. Short of any NEW or SUBSTANTIAL change in FIB's wifes behavior, I won't see recent events as anything but more of the same. Perhaps a bit more desperate now because the divorce is looking more real to her this time.
And for those with the other outlook, you will never fail to see hope in her actions, no matter how small or how similar to past actions that lacked any substance.
FIB is there. He's living with it everyday. I trust that his head is screwed on straight. He had the opportunity to say that he wanted to "start again." He declined. I'm doing my best now to support him through these next steps, even as I know that in his heart he will always wish it could turn out differently.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
FIB is there. He's living with it everyday. I trust that his head is screwed on straight. He had the opportunity to say that he wanted to "start again." He declined. I'm doing my best now to support him through these next steps,
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even as I know that in his heart he will always wish it could turn out differently
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Is that not contradicting?
He declined.
Yet you know he knows that he wished things woud have turned out differently???
Would it be best Bill, if we all just sat back, gave FIB some breathing room and let him make his own decisions?? Including you?
It's a personal one. I understand it. He does not need help in making a decision that will affect his and his childrens entire lifeteime. He, I believe from earlier posts has let go of the little boy and is now wearing big boy pants.....right?
Funny...my husband couldn't make the decision either on his own, he had friends help him make it.
With that, I will now bow out of this as it is so painful to read. I know it must be killing him inside to do.
Sending all my blessings to you FIB. It's a long road to peace.
Jeanette
Sorry, I forgot to ask.....are you now his spokeperson as it is too painful for him to speak about.?? Hmmm.....I remember sobbing over the keyboards for so long.
again...just trying to understand when enough is actually enough.
Last edited by Jeanette1120; 02/13/0803:25 AM.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
My W insists that I kiss her now when leaving the house. She demands to be held.
Let me add the emphasis: My W INSISTS that I kiss her now when leaving the house. She DEMANDS to be held.
Not my words - FIB's. That is the language of someone who need to control the situation. These are not actions - but words. Those are not the words of someone who wants to work it.
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The only thing our actions can control is whether we sabotage what we really want. Is there any doubt what FIB really wants?
No. We can only control US. That is it. We cannot "sabotage" anything. If they react to us - that is their reaction, not ours.
What FIB WANTS does not matter at all. I want to live forever. Do I have it? I want to control another. Can I do it? Slavery was outlawed long ago.
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"If FIB's W wants to save the M she must do it - with the terms and conditions outlined by FIB even if they are not attainable in the short term". What I'm telling you in my previous post is that the goal can not be unattainable. I'm suggesting FIB break down the goal. That's solution based.
I agree. FIB should set goals but his attitude should be "wait and see" as DR says to do. He should not share his goals with W or require that she meet ANY expectation of his.
Or it will be the little girl: "daddy If I am good can I get some candy???"
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You missed one: 3) Well, I guess I'll throw in the towel now since FIB has given up.
Agree. Her call, not FIB's.
Interesting choice of words "giving up". Maybe you do not appreciate the courage it takes for what FIB is going through. Giving up??
I don't think so. This is the most powerful thing that he has done in his life.
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And the moderator just told you, it happens. MArriages do get reconciled.
Yes they do. But do all?? Odds?
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I'm not asking him to change her. I'm asking him to change him
Has he not changed him already? For the better? Much better? What more should he do?
Okay, I will yet again ask my question of you and others and the moderator here, since someone obviously "notified" the moderator to join us.
What has FIB not done? Maybe FIB and I missed a chapter of Michele's books. Despite what I said in an earlier post, I am having a hard time approaching this with a "beginner's mind". This is not a new start thread - this is two years. I have seen nothing new offered lately, no new ideas. Just that FIB is "giving up" and somehow now it is all his fault and it is his to save if only he will.....
I don't see that logic. Sorry.
Tell me, please, what is FIB to do? What am I to do? And so many others? What have I missed?
Said enough. I will not change anyone's mind here so why bother.
FIB - if you proceed with the divorce I will not imply that you are wrong (I said if you choose to proceed with it, not WANT it). On the other hand, if you decide to do something different I am your man.
