I remember your heart-wrenching and very raw posts when I first got here 2 years ago. I just read your thread and recent very big updates.
I'm so sorry about where things are turning.
I was very hopeful that it was working out for you.
I will say this. I remember you describing your past, the man you were before this forced you into a transformation you liked.
Don't forget any of that. Now, you see very clearly, the benefits were not for the M, but rather for YOU. You have healed, grown and developed in so many ways.
Always be proud of that. Always be proud of the man you chose to become, in the toughest of circumstances.
This is about her. This is not your failure or shame, though those feelings are hard to shake....I know.
Stay strong.
Thanks, I try so hard not to feel like I failed. I really didn't 'heal' 2 years ago, I fixed what was broken around me but didn't have anything left for myself. I was 'propped up' but in the end, not healed. I ended up back at the beginning, but not quite so beat up this time.
I'm working on that now. I think when this thread locks I'll move to 'Surviving the big D'. There's no DB'ing to be done here any longer. I think my 'hold' on W has been weak at best. Like Counselor says, she 'orbits' around me. When I'm nice and cordial she's happy and nice in return. If I withdraw by detaching she becomes angry. It's not something you can build a marriage on, and she doesn't want to be married anyway.
So many people tell me that she's not a good match for me, especially at this point in our lives where life is not easy.
How much longer do I need to hurt? As my friend told me today, if it wasn't 'text message guy' it would be someone else. I can't fill her bucket right now, hell I can't fill MY bucket right now. If we were to reconcile, what will happen the next time things are tough?
She's a lost and damaged soul. Even at my emotional WORST I'm nowhere near as lost as she is. I'm sad about that. I miss the parts of her that I love.
She just called to tell me where she was. On a beach watching the sunset. I was pleasant and talked for about a half minute, then gave her to the kids. I felt like it was best to keep it short or I'd start asking questions and make a mistake. And hurt myself.
Do I still feel 'hopeful' a little? Yes I do. I'm just not someone who gives up easily. It's time to stop, that's the only way to get sanity and peace. Stop.
I'm so sad. I know it's time to let go and it's hard.
