Meredith - your 5 years..

[Meredith]

And as for you, my favorite corner dweller....

You know I have all the time in the world for you!

We've all been very guilty of thinking that going dark is going to force us to miss the ONE lone opportunity out there to save this marriage. Well, as we well know, if there really is just that one loophole we're better up passing that on by

Now get the heck out of the corner! We need to fire up the DB van.

[CMNM]

First of all, let me say that I am kicking myself for not adding the P.S. that I had in my head last night about your vast knowledge of P/A behavior! I read that last night and had to laugh.. if she knew "Sting" in his heyday....oh man!

Please do get the van going. I am feeling "ookey" on this board again and I don't like it. No, this is NOT one of those dramatic posts about how I am leaving the board (sniff, sniff).

I just get weary of it, ya know?

Cagzmom, that is not intended towards you in any way. I respect you for coming here and rethinking your actions. That is what saved me. I had to get past all the thinking that there was some easy fix out there. I had to dig deep and admit that there were times that I didn't behave as well as I could have. I see the light bulb going off for you and I am happy.

You know what has me all discombobulated, Mer? I think that is the fact that I just read your Solution Journal post. You restated those goals brilliantly. It pisses me off that there is so little of that great advice out here. You did better than the person who set up the journal in the first place!

Also, I see those journals as a suggested means to an easy fix. There ain't one, people! I guess I am feeling a bit angry because the down to earth advice is ignored because the shiny, promise-of-a-better R NOW advice is being dangled elsewhere.

Mer, thanks for being here for me. You tell it like it is and I love that about you.
And, you KNOW that no one puts Baby in the corner!

[CMNM]

Oopsies...

I think that my comment just got you stuck in a mess of your own. I didn't see you promise to be anyone's "solution buddy," but just were made one as an "I'm taking my ball and going home" type thingy.

Yuck. That has a weird feel to it, no?

Just to clarify, I am all for moderators, and bless them all for doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. The fact is that all of us here have made MWD a very rich woman (along with the guy who wrote 5LLs), so if anyone is going to try to get things moving in the right direction it should be someone like the aforementioned person who never vistits her own site.

And now I am mad because I allowed myself to get dragged into all the bad feelings and ill will. I guess we all are just frustrated and need a breather.

I guess this is my melodramatic "I'm leaving the BB" speech!

[Meredith]

Holy drama, batman!!

Park it, Baby - you aren't going anywhere. You are better than goodbye speeches anyhow. You can sit in the corner if you want to.

The long and the short of it is, there is NOT a quick fix. People want there to be a fix and they hear that there is one and then they can't get past the part about having to work for it. You understand that, and you need to keep helping others understand it. Some aren't capable or ready or willing or WHATEVER to hear it, and while it is frustrating it isn't the end of our world - only theirs.

Now can someone tell me what a "solution buddy" is??? I totally did not get a job description with that title...

I also need to apologize to Fixer for causing him to get unsticky. That can't be good.

Now. Back to Cagzmom's regularly scheduled program....

[cagzmom]

ok ok you two i am giggling. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF you know!! =)

I have to read and reread but I see something here --- hmm one momento...gotta watch American Idol then I AM BACK!

[cagzmom]

This reminds me of one of my favorite Meredithisms that came up once when we were discussing, off the BB, someone who always claimed to be "dark" but was always in her H's business:

As the song says..I have been wearing my sunglasses at night! Ok so the truth is coming to my face. WOW! I thought I was dark.....I guess telling ourselves that we are dark- doing what we know is good for us is easier than seeing the truth.

I have been WAY TO DEEP into H's business. WOW- ouch.

[cagzmom]

May I ask you this-
Other than the obvious, why do you fear him filing so much that it may make you jump the gun on it? I do understand wanting to have some control, but I really caution against acting out of fear. I believe you will live to regret that, no matter how this all shakes out.

You will find you can ask me ANYTHING and I will tell u the truth! (One of my downfalls...)

WHY DO I FEAR HIM FILING...

Wow I have to think about it. Of course CONTROL (another downfall..ha!) FEAR - yes that he will "win" yet again..he gets what he wanted in the first place.FEAR- she will gain I will loose. FEAR--- that it will be final. That everything he said is true - he doesn't love me..is happy to be without me and I loose. I loose the best friend I ever had. (or so I thought.)

Him filing --- it was what he wanted all along. NOT ME. Humiliation --the papers coming to me..

[cagzmom]

[quote=Meredith]
When we’re talking about the actual process of filing for divorce, it gets blood boiling. No one wants to be the one to get served. No one wants to be the one blindsided by it. It’s very obvious why it sounds good to just do it first. The problem with the perceived satisfaction of serving him in front of his peers is just that – it’s perceived. It’s not nearly as much fun as it sounds, I promise. Also, if you are doing it to gain closure or end this chapter in your life, that isn’t very accurate either. You should do those things FIRST and come back to the lawyer after you’re calm, steady and ready.

Funny- everything you say is the "opposite" of those giving me advice TO FILE. They say "Close the chapter, move on." Yes and serve him - let him "feel" the shame. However, my sister made a really good point AND it fits with what you have said...It wont affect him....not right now...IT IS PERCIEVED--yet again ME trying to "get him..."

It sounds as though you aren’t getting a feeling of calm and peace from “yes” in regards to filing. So, don’t. If he does it first then he does it first. However, if he is a runner you might be surprised to find that he likely won’t file. Runners don’t like conflict and divorces are riddled with conflict even in the best scenarios.

I guess I just assume he will. The seperation papers being worked on (as they have since day one) and the mediation, living with ow (basically living with her), him telling my d11 this is someone in his life that is going to be there for a very long time.

You are VERY VERY right about the conflict. HE HATES it and will lie, cheat and run to avoid it. I guess I see the divorce as the final step for him to be "rid" of me..which is rid of the conflict...and to keep ow happy. SEE who will he choose to "apease"??

Now, if he does file first, be the role model. Accept your papers gracefully and do not get bitter, angry or rude in front of him. You do all that stuff over a bottle of wine with your girlfriends ;). I know it sounds unfair and wrong, but the more anger you build now the more you’ll have to knock down later. It won’t affect him like it should, but it will drag you down to depths that you don’t need to be in.

Ah yes - grace in action YUCK! BUT I DO DESERVE DIGNITY!

Stopping the “lingerlonger” conversations are hard. It’s nothing but difficult to have the opportunity to talk and chat with someone that you really enjoy talking with and cutting it short. The problem is that these conversations often leave us feeling a little empty and exhausted. They give us little tidbits to hold onto, as well as a whole lot to analyze. Darkness is a good break from that and gives THEM a good break from it, too.

Man -you have walked my shoes haven't you. YeS YES YES they leave me feeling empty-Man...I have to do this NOT TO GET HIM BACK but FOR ME!! JEEZ!! i miss him. I know i know..just being honest.

Make yourself rush for real if faking it doesn’t seem right!

GOOD idea..I just have to find people who are available on every other FRIDAY nights at 6....and Sunday evennings at 6 we (d11 and I) will be hmm I dont know something.

Now, word of advice here. If your husband is passive-aggressive like mine, he’ll be late.

HA- he has been "early" so far!! =) He only sees my d11 4 days a month..it will be an interesting world in darkland. Jeez'...I want to come through to the otherside...I really do.

[TRUSTING]

Cagz,

Just wanted to check on you and say Hi.

Sounds like you are growing and growing.

It is such a process.

There is no quick path.

You will make it.

[cagzmom]

Thanks Trusting. This growing thing hurts! =) Thank you for the vote of confidence.