MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

[2ndnoah]

Thank You SoonerLady, SGTXOK, and Darboyd5 for your advice. Question on filing for D......Here is my problem. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. He is pushing, pushing, pushing for one. I have used one excuse after another and I feel like I am running out of rope before he files. If he files, he will file in the town that he grew up in where everyone know's him and also where he rubs elbows with the Attornies and Judges. He will have the upper hand if he files first. I on the other hand would have the upper hand if I file first because I know everyone here where I life. I would get a better deal. SOOOOOOOO, my problem is I believe I am hanging on by a thread before he files. It's been almost 5 months since he left. I am sure OW is pushing him. He has never admited OW but I know there has to be one for him to walk out and never look back. He is giving up everything. Financial security, a house that will be paid for in a couple of years, his marriage, his wife, his boys, etc. He has to have a OW. I checked his company cell phone and found a girls number in the address book, as well as both were calling each back and forth. Do I file first or wait. My heart tells me wait, I do not want this. I do not believe in D unless there is physical abuse. My brain tells me to file first. What do I do. I feel like I am consantly treading on thin ice in anything I do and say since all this started. I am so confused. I use to be a woman that could make her own decisions. Now, I feel like I cannot make even tiny decisions without getting help. I hate this. I just hate this!