Status 2 - W friendlier but still very distant

[fb2]

I reading but I'm no good on the legal stuff. hope you doing ok though.

Lan, Thanks for stopping by. Let's focus on emotional for now. I phoned W an hour ago about me taking S7 to cub scout breakfast tomorrow. I could not tell if the legal stuff has hit her or not; damn lawyers seem to be acting on their own. The kids go to W this PM for an entire week. I sent some old magazines and calendars thru' S7 as W wanted them for some art work so I told her about this too. And that was all the conversation. I feel stuck in neutral and its very frustrating. Any leads would be appreciated.

On a slightly different note I wanted to ask you Lan (or anyone else for that matter) how handle parenting conflicts? Our styles/values differ a lot and that has led to major conflict. For example W is a spender and very materialistic and I'm the opposite - this could be complimentary if there's a lot of love. But we fought over these sorts of things for years. Anyway now the kids are still in the middle of this and will be for some time to come D or not. The school C told me that in my house I make the rules; however the kids carry messages back and forth and some of this stuff is relevant to DBing (180's, etc.). I could let go a bit for peace sake and detach (for example W buys a huge TV but does not pay school fees, gives D11 lots of spending money, etc). But I can't be what I'm not or adopt bad/inconsistent values.

[smith18]

What a coincidence that you are taking your S7 to cub scout breakfast tomorrow as I am taking my S7 to the cub scout blue and gold dinner tomorrow (W and D5 are going to).

I see similar conflicts like you suggest in my situation with the kids. Two different parenting attitudes can work well together, but when divorced, they can work against one another. I just hope that W and I can be friendly and work of one another.

You might want to print this article out for your W to read:

http://parenting.families.com/blog/top-12-divorced-parenting-mistakes

[Lanzo]

Hi fb2

The conflicts W and I had was that W would spend money on D (responsibly I might add) but because I was a big softy D would always want to get her own way and would act up with W. The only person who could control D was me. Daft as it may sound W didn't feel she was getting value for money with her little girl and felt she had lost her to me. Her words to me was that I had spoilt that girl for everyone else.

After W and I were physically separated for 2 months W struggled but managed to instil her form of discipline with D6 and when I returned I saw a different W and a different D6. In that respect the separation benefited all of us.

But I would say overall W and I haven't been too far apart in our parenting values.

Lan

[fb2]

Kerry, That's a useful article. In general W treats D11 like an adult/equal and some of the other bad things as well. Unfortunately its very difficult to enforce any of these rules with W and even if I gave her the article she'd probably not bother to read it or get angry with me.

[fb2]

(1) While I've been performing at my job, being a single dad and DBing my a$$ off, my lawyer's been hammering out a "settlement" with W's side and informed me that its close to something reasonable now and advised me to OK it. If I was told this 3-4 months ago I'd have been relieved but now I'm feeling down after my DBing efforts and W cooling off!?

(2) I do not have the kids this week so I phoned them and also talked briefly to W this morning. W's studying for her exam so I offered to keep the kids if she wanted but so far she hasn't asked. Her tone was still "friendly" so I set up a breakfast meeting for Tuesday which W agreed to after a moment of hesitation.

(3) I'm planning to give the kids a nice box of (See's) chocolates in a gift bag this week for Valentine's day which they will take to W's place of course but I'm not stating its really for W since her primary LL's a are gifts and affirmation tho' not sure in what order. I'm being "sneaky" and "manipulative" here but I think its fair game after the hell I've endured.

Any thoughtful feedback on the above 3 bullets from wise DBers would be much appreciated, thanks.

[fb2]

Zzzzzzz

[Kalni]

Hi fb2
NOT a wise Dber here, I don't qualify I am afraid. So, I'll read again your last post try to figure out what you mean( I am exausting my vocabulary and I need to read it a couple of times).
Points 2 & 3 OK by me but 1 I don't understand what's happening. If you go ahead and Ok it, then what?

Kalni

Thanks- I am thinking hard whether I am at the end of journey here...

[smith18]

I think he was more than willing to have the D over with 3-4 months ago, but now has some more hope to save the M. Weird how time changes our feelings. I wonder if his W might also be having similar feelings.

[Kalni]

Thanks KerryK.
Indeed, so much can happen in a very short (well depends where you stand during this) time, towards the one or the other direction...
So, fb2 what are you planning to do? Do you think you should talk to her about it to postpone? Can you do that?
Kalni

[fb2]

Kalni, Kerry - Thanks for stopping by. None of us are any wiser - we just support one another in this mess in the hope we do not give up until the very end and even then we can hold our heads high and be at peace inside. I have the draft settlement in my mailbox the last couple of days and so far have not had the courage to read it; tho' I've also been extremely busy.

I met W for breakfast this morning at a cafe again on the pretext of S7. But my intention is always also to sense things. I noticed she's taken out her wedding and engagement rings from the last time we met 2-3 weeks ago. Some here say this does not mean anything but I try to read into every subtle change since there's not much contact at all. This change and the "settlement" does not bode well. I think a man needs to feel that his W is faithful to him and trusts him with all her heart. So the rings gone made W look very unattractive to me. She also seems so full of herself and still does not show one bit of concern for me.

I have not talked to her about M/R at least the last 3 months; when she's brought up the settlement I said I'm leaving it to the lawyers. But maybe its ultimatum time now.

Kalni, so far I have fought the good fight but I feel my M is a lost cause and I'm on the verge of "pulling the plug". If I go ahead it means its "over" and if I don't it could mean further "litigation and hostility". Like you, I feel there's a limit to my patience and a point of no return and so far I've waited over a year tho' I've not always been wise or patient.