H and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. We have a 2.5 year old and have (had, I guess) been trying for baby #2 for 2 years! We've been having some issues, agruing a lot and I haven't been doing a very good job at cleaning the house (I admit, its messy and cluttered).
This past Friday we got into an agrument, which actually led to a discussion! We have not discussed our issues in so long (other than fighting about them). We talked for 4 hours, in those 4 hours so much information came out. It was mainly him telling me his issues as I don't have too many with him. I just get defensive (which leads to fighting).
In this conversation at the start of it he questioned if he still loved me, or was in-love with me (says he'll always love me). But he said he had some feelings for someone at work! He said he doesn't know what to do other than get a new job (which isn't really practical right now). He was clearly upset and said he felt so quilty about it. He said she doesn't know and that it is nothing more than he is excited to go to work to see this person. I don't think it is anything more than this for a few reasons 1- he doesn't come home later than usual 2- he is in a management postition and I am not sure he'd risk it.
He says he's only been with her in groups, etc.... We pretty much hashed out everything this past weekend and when Monday came (now its Tuesday) I really started going crazy. Wondering what's going on, does he still feel the same about her even after our talk? What if his feelings get stronger?
To add to all this, he is going away on Business in 3 weeks with 4 other people in his department, and guess who one of the people are! Yup, "her." I know her name and now I keep rethinking all the times he's ever mentioned her (I've never met her). When they are away they do things as groups and the first night they are going out to bars (he's not much of a drinker) and the last time they did this they were out til 1am. They will do dinners together etc..... I am going crazy! I am so afraid he will come home from this trip only to discover he didn't miss me and had fun with "her" and others and change his mind about working on our issues and staying together.
When I brought up concerns with him he was insulted that I didn't trust him because he's never done anythign to betry that trust.
He is the one who brought this to my attention, I never suspected anything like this. If I am going crazy like this now, how am I going to feel when he is away? I have been crying so much since our "talk." I just had no idea things were so bad for him in our marriage.
You're so lucky he felt safe enough with you to tell you about his feelings for this co-worker.
Here's what I suggest:
Say to him, "H, thank you so much for having the courage to tell me of your feelings for co-worker. I know things haven't been great for us, but I am going to work on being the spouse I can be."
And then DO IT. Seriously, act AS IF your H is an honored guest (this really worked for me). Treat him the way you would treat someone who rarely comes to your home, but who you love and respect very much. It will feel weird and unnatural at first, but eventually, it will start affecting you and you will start remembering the man you fell in love with. And he will start remembering the woman he fell in love with.
Also, I would suggest you check out http://www.marriagefitness.com. Do the tele bootcamp with your H. It can be amazingly transformative. At the very least, sign up for the email newsletter. If you're really ready to make deep, lasting changes in your life and your relationship, you'll have to work very hard, but it will be very worth it.
Good luck to you!
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
I agree with ntl, you are very lucky that he opened up and told you about this before he took action. Everyone else on this board was kept in the dark by their spouse, so that shows you how common the lying and cheating is.
Your relationship is pretty good is he will be open and honest with you. You do need to show him he is special to you. You should thank him when he does something nice. And you can take care to look good and make the dinners he likes. I acted like we were dating. When my H came home for dinner and we were on tenderhooks, I dressed sexy, offered him his favorite beer or wine, then had an appetizer ready. nothing fancy, just like chips and dip; hummus and pita chips, things like that to nosh on while I cooked dinner. It got him to hang around the kitchen and talk instead of going to the bedroom and watching tv while I cooked.
You will not be able to control him on the trip. You will have to trust him. He is right; messing with that woman would be a very bad idea professionally.
It's important for people to remember that being married, or even being happily married, is not a vaccine against lust. We are humans and we still feel a spark around some people. It takes self-control to not act on lustful feelings. But having them does not mean there is anything wrong with the marriage. It just means that there is more than one person out there who can make your pulse quicken. It actually has no meaning about the 2 people. The fact that he gets excited by her doesn't mean that she gets excited by him, or that anything about the two of them is "meant to be." People let that feeling go to their heads and act on it. And then later they realize that that impulsive act ruined their otherwise very good lives.
Thank you for replying, Sara. I have been doing the things you (and ntl) suggested, though its only been a few days. This seem better and feel better. I had a rough day so he is bringing me home a latte (his suggestion).
I really need to get over his lust/attraction whatever it is that he has for his co-worker. I realize I am lucky that he told me instead of acting on it. He didn't have to tell me..... I have too just tell myself that is a good thing. I hate feeling jealous! Its an awful feeling!
Sing it, sister! Feeling jealous is the worst feeling...it just eats you up inside. The good thing is that you can positively affect this outcome. Be so thankful that you have the opportunity to make changes before the irreparable harm an affair wreaks on a marriage ensues.
Please, please keep working on being the best you ever. And keep posting!
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
oh my! Ok... I'll see if he'll do that... Geez we did that 11 years ago when we were in a long distance relationship, wonder if I'll remember what to say, LOL!
