I don't think it was a huge error... hopefully she will be level headed about it and realize the same.
I just wanted to post that I think you are handling what's going on amazing well... It's new territory for you and yet while you are trying to protect yourself you're still attempting to DB. I know it can't be easy!
Hope the week gets easier and that you get to see your little girl.
Thanks for your support. I appreciate you chiming in. I'm struggling with the whole thing and I was really, really weak last night. It is difficult to stay strong as this is such a long, painful and difficult ride.
However, I do think I learned a few things from my slip-up yesterday.
1)I didn't stop to answer the critical question: "How will what I'm doing pull me closer to achieving my goal? Will it help or hurt my efforts to DB and save my M?" By not taking the time to fully question myself, I made the wrong decision. I need to continue to learn from this instance and prepare myself for these situations in the future. I have to always remember the goal in everything I do.
2)In honestly calling myself on this, I went to sign up with Yahoo on purpose. I was in denial while I was doing it last night, but it is very, very clear. In fact, I didn't take the time to listen to my head as my wounded heart was leading me into this backsliding mistake. I could have chosen another free mail server. I chose to use Yahoo b/c I knew this is where my W's "other" e-mail account was located. The OM set it up for her so they could "chat" w/o me knowing. I did this to cause myself pain. Not good for me to do b/c it only helped me to feel worse and for her to have an excuse to pull farther away.
3)I need to GAL. Too much time alone at the house isn't good. It gives me too much of an opportunity to stress and obsess. I need to muster the strength to exercise regularly again as today marks one week since I was served and one week since I've done any cardio activity.
The good news about my excercise inactivity, is I haven't gained weight because I haven't been able to eat very much. I need to change that one as well.
Oh, well. I'm hoping today will be better, I will be more focused and stronger. I need to be more confident and work on me, especially today as I'm looking to beat myself up a bit.
Thanks to all of you for your help. I'll keep you posted if I know more. RTL
Don't beat yourself up too much. Everyone makes mistakes. If you learn from it then it is not a mistake. It's a lesson. Just don't make it twice.
No snooping is so hard. I fight it everytime I see her cell phone. I want to look at the numbers to see who she is calling and who is calling her. I keep telling myself that no good can come from it. But, it's hard not to look.
You are exactly right. If it is a learned lesson, then it can't be a mistake. W/out mistakes, there is no learning and growth. The problem is if it continues then it will border on insanity. Don't they say something like "insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results?"
I know it is hard not to snoop and pry. It is so damn hard not to know. Letting go is the toughest thing. Every time I do something that is snooping or whatever, I'm the one who is hurt by it.
I guess it is part of the greiving process to want to cause yourself pain. I think there is part of me that I'm fighting that feels I "deserve" what is going on so I "deserve" the pain.
That is the part of my wounded soul that I have to work overtime to supress and defeat. Sometimes, unfortunately, he wins. I need to win today.
I find myself snooping everyday. Our cell's are in my name and therefore I access Verizon online everyday, multiple times a day to see how often he calls out or people call in and then when the bill breaks each month I go online and look at the detailed report and fine numbers I don't know and numbers from towns he doesn't know anyone in or at least didn't before he walked out. Not snooping is VERY HARD. I often ask myself why I need to know and I can't come up with a good answer. My problem is that I worry daily about him having an OW which he swears he doesn't and that this is about him and finding out who he is and beig fulfilled by doing the things he never did when we were in our 20's like clubbing and partying. He says he has no interest in sex or women right now just the party life. Well while I want to believe there isn't anyone else it is very hard. Anyway, I work everyday to correct this behavoir as it goes against all DB'ing but it is still a struggle.
I am most bothered by the fact that I am the one who is now ledt at home to continue to be mommy but now also have to play daddy while he runs out and has his MLC and fulfills his own selfish needs. I don't mean that I mind being home and mommy but when there was a partner at home every night with you and helped you by doing his daddy thing with the kids and that is suddenly gone and you are the one left consoling crying children to sleep at night it drains you and makes it so very hard to continue to DB when your babies hurt so badly from what daddy has done.
WOW, RTL, sorry to get off on a tangent there and hijack your post for a moment. My apologies...lol.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
No apologies needed. Ever. Your willingness to communicate is a sign of your pure heart and soul. I appreciate EVERYONE who has been and is willing to stop by and see how I'm doing.
Ok, here is my latest update...
W sent me a text answering last night's question about D's health and telling me she could get in to her apartment tomorrow instead of Thursday. She didn't say anything about the Yahoo incident and I cancelled that account today and will not be using Yahoo again for an alternate e-mail.
I did reach my L today and he advised me to grab whatever time w/ D that is offered, but he also wanted me to be very generic and non-committal w/ my contact w/ W. I really couldn't do that and seem loving and her friend, but I did follow his advice and showed excitement at the prospect of finally seeing my D (It was exactly one week this morning at 7 am local time).
Instead of sending off something cold, here is what I sent my W this morning:
Quote:
(W), I'm glad to hear D is feeling better and you'll be able to get into your place a day earlier than expected. I should be able to be home between 4 and 5 tomorrow to meet you and get you some of the things you need.
I'd also like to have D tomorrow and Thursday, like we talked about. Can you bring her over with you tomorrow? That would be great. I could just take her to school on Thursday and either drop her off w/ your parents on Friday morning or take her to day care and have you get her there.
Until we are able to settle things on a short-term and long-term basis concerning D, I'm happy with whatever opportunity I have with her right now. Thanks for offering her to be with me this week. Tomorrow and Thursday would work well.
That is it for now. Let me know what you need for tomorrow and if you'll be able to bring D with you (I could pick her up at daycare as well tomorrow, if that is easier).
Talk to you later, (ME) PS - I called daycare yesterday and told them GG was out b/c her grandparents were in town, so they know she'll be away or sporadically in this week and next.
How does this sound? I think I'm DBing, but still not completely sure. You all know how it goes, I'd guess. By the way, when I called daycare yesterday, they hadn't heard from W, so I guess I'm being the responsible, involved parent in this case. D's daycare was worried about her, so I'm glad I called. The next step will be to talk w/ her teachers individually about our pending situation and W's new residence.
I'll look forward to hearing any and all feedback on this one. RTL
I agree with filling the teachers in on what is happening minus any graphic details. I did so within a few days of H leaving and the teachers were able to understand why the kids were distant then and got them in to see the school guidance counselor whenever needed. Unlike my H who is very private and has been gone for almost 8 weeks and hasn't told hardly anyone which I believe is his way of hiding his shame and guilt...I guess that is good maybe because he realizes he handled this poorly. Heck if it weren't for the fact he had to move in with his parents I don't believe he would have even told them.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Hey, guys. Well, I sent the e-mail to W about 6 hours ago, but still haven't heard anything.
We'll see. I'm hoping W will keep her word and let me have D tomorrow and Thursday, but I'm not really going to be surprised if it doesn't happen.
I'm going to clean the house and D's room tonight in the event I am able to get her, so the worst case is the house will be clean and I'll keep waiting.
I'll keep you all updated if and when I have news. RTL
