New and alone

[JenInVen]

I actually stumbled across this website and technique about 3 or 4 days ago. After lurking for these past few days and reading all about what goes on with Divorce Busting I realize it's the best option for me and saving my R.

Let me fill you in on what's happened over the past 2 to 3 weeks but has been going on for about a year or more.

For the past year or so H has been gradually spending less time with us (Me and D) and more time with friends. Of course I reacted with nagging, complaining and guilt which of course did not work and made matters worse. On 30/01/08 I found a transcript of a chat between H and a client. The chat had been saved in H computer. I said nothing to him at the time but then he dropped the bomb on 01/02/08 that he was leaving home, he wanted a divorce and that he has felt uncomfortable here for a long time. I accussed him of having an affair with this OW because I saw the chat. H says that she's a friend and client and that nothing happened or ever will with her. The chat was a low moment of his life and he feels like crap for it. I believe him. I know he has been faithful and will remain faithful until we divorce. He has agreed that it was unethical to get involved in any way with a client and has agreed to assign her to another collegue.

The problems in our R seem to repeat over and over again. I know that I try to micro manage his life and that I complain and nag about the silliest things. He hates that I snoop and feels that I have never trusted him

He gave me the IDLYA and havene't for a long time speel. We haven't been intimate for almost a year. He says there is nothing for him besides D at home and when he looks at me he only sees the mother of his D. I am devastated. I knew we had problems but I thought he loved me.

When he said he wanted a divorce I cried, pleaded, whined for a whole week...you name it I did it! When I came across this site and another book called "Stop Your Divorce" I knew what I had to do...agree with him, let him go, no more crying and begging.

He comes and goes now but rarely sleeps at home (his parents live close) D is beginning to wonder what's going on (she's 6YO)he doesn't want to "talk" to me so I just keep up the happy talk. I try not to call or Text him like before. I try to give him the space he obviously needs.

I don't know really where to begin the DB techniques and I need some help.

Thanks for reading my post.

[Just_Me]

I accussed him of having an affair with this OW because I saw the chat. H says that she's a friend and client and that nothing happened or ever will with her. The chat was a low moment of his life and he feels like crap for it. I believe him.

I wouldn't believe him. There is a very good chance that this "friend and client" is emotionally more than that to him.

That's not to say that confronting him, getting angry, making accusations, or worrying about it will help you out. But I think you had a right to feel the way you did. And I also think, based on my experience with so many of the stories on here, that this kind of thing is often a catalyst behind suddenly stating you are no longer in love. Sure, he might not have been entirely satisfied with the marriage, who is, but an emotional attachment to someone else seems to precipitate ILYBINILWY with a remarkable degree of regularity.

Anyway, the advice: You'll have to focus on several things. Don't be crushed by this (or at least don't let it show at first). It's unattractive to show how devastating this is to you. Be strong. Work on the issues that plagued your marriage...you probably have some ideas what those could be. Work to make your life as happy and fulfilling as possible. Find your happiness and he might just want to share in that with you. Enjoy the blessings that you do have. Focusing all your attention on him really doesn't do all that much to woo him back. He has to see someone that he wants to return to of his own free will. It's okay to give yourself permission to selfishly focus on yourself and your child.

[JenInVen]

Thanks Just Me

He asked me what I wanted him to do about her as a client. I told him to drop her and find another person to take his place. He did and this is the last week of the work relationship. I told him that he can never talk or email or see her again and he said ok. He told me they both agreed that the chat was wrong and a big mistake. He has tried to contact her to say he said things he didn't mean. He said he wants closure. I told him that just let it go. By calling her it might imply that he is pursuing her. The killer is that I know her and know that she is married with a D of 3YO. She seems happily married so I doubt very much she would jeopordize her family. I do think they were both in need of emotional support. I just wish they tried to get it from their spouses not someone elses.

He says he isn't leaving because of this and I know thengs are hard right now. I'm sure it is sort of a catalyst. Maybe he thinks that if he can say things to an OW then maybe he doesn't love me? I know that there might have been an emotional element to this friendship but nothing more.

I hate that he did this and he says he hates it too.

I will not get angry and cry in front of him anymore and will try and do what is best for me and D. I took off my wedding band last night and put it next to his in my jewerly bag. I talked to him today but got off the phone first.

GAL will be the most difficult since I find it hard to make and keep friends. There's a language barrier still even though my spanish is pretty good.

Thanks again

[christarn]

Hi JeninVen...I'm sorry that you are here...but welcome, you will find a ton of people here that are awesome and give great advice! First and foremost, learn that you and your daughter need to become your top priority! It's hard, but it has to happen. You are doing awesome by not persuing him. I am going put JENJAM's top ten on here for you to read...it became my saving grace when my H and I first seperated. I have been at this for over a year. Read it...it helps

Also, get Michelle's books. DR/DB...they are awesome resources. There are also other great books out there the 5 love languages is an awesome read, you will learn what his love language is, so you can adapt to what is he needs from you.

Most important, give him space...try to empathize, try not to fight and arugue or persue. Those are the hardest things to do, but you can do this! Hope this helps Christa

This is Jen_Jam's famous top ten, It helped me keep my sanity...when I find myself getting down about all of this, I read it...it's good stuff, again thanks to jen_jam, for the famous top ten!!

1. Don't panic, no one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

[cw68]

Wow. Jen_jam's top ten is going to become my new bible.

[JenInVen]

Thanks! That top ten is great! Now if I can just practice what she says!!!

Good luck cw68 too!

[addie]

Christarn, thanks for the top 10. I am going to print up the list for myself.

JeninVen,
I am so sorry that you have to be going through this. The first thing I would recommend is to read Micheles's book Divorce Remedy. There is a wealth of information in there on DB. Also continue to post and read other people's stories. I found that has helped me a lot in seeing that I am certainly not the only one going through this and that my M can be saved.

Your H needs space right now. Accusing, pleading,crying, argiung will only push him further away. Believe me, I know from experience - my H left when I wouldn't stop all the above behaviours. He was also having an EA which he denied and to this day continues to deny he is involved with OW but doesn't want to work on M.

You have to find some things to do for yourself to help take your mind off your M. You said it has been hard making friends; do you have any family where you are living that can support you emotionally/socially? I know what it's like, feeling alone, because we moved to a new place a few months ago and I have no friends or family for a couple thousand miles. I have started some new classes and exercise a few times a week but it's been difficult actually making friends.

You've stopped pursuing. That's a great step. Give H space and GAL for yourself. Those are some things to start on.

[christarn]

I am glad that so many people found the top ten as useful and helpful as I did. It was my bible, and when I get down, or start to get frustrated...I turn to it! It's a great tool!!

JeninVen...stay focused, read the books..you can turn your M/R around, patience is a MUST!! Like I said before I've been at this over a year...still no D, if I can hang in there, so can you!!

Take care,
Christa

[JenInVen]

Hi thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. For the first time in 2 weeks I feel that I have at least some idea as to how to fight this D without actually fighting about it.

Addie, I don't have any immediate family (except D) here. My spouses family lives close but I obviously cannot lean on them at this moment. I have a good friend whose H is friends with my H. She has been great.

Today H told this client that he wouldn't be dealing with her after Thursday and she said that was fine. I don't think there is or was much of anything there to begin with. Except stupidty maybe

I have been reading a lot of posts these past couple days and everyone has been an inspiration to me.

[addie]

I know what it feels like to have no family or friends around for some sort of emotional support, even if they are not fully aware of the details.

A word of caution - Be careful what you say to the W of your H's friend. It may all get back to your H and cause further conflict for the two of you, even if that's not what she intends.